BV on Love

A Super Bowl Recipe for Both Sexes!

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-04T23:06:00+00:00

It's that time of the year, when men get together to scream and shout at the TV, while gorging themselves on chicken wings and fattening their beer guts. Sounds sexy doesn't it? Well it can be, if your as creative as the newly engaged Ms. Christie from New York, who decided to add a feminine touch to a day that has always been male dominated. The new party of the year is (drum roll please)... Super Bowl Engagement Party!

To all the women who don't know which teams are playing in the big game and to those who don't really care, there is a new way to make this day fun for everyone. Men love to watch other men run, throw, tackle, dodge and score, while women love to watch other women open gifts, compliment sparkly rings, plan weddings and score the love of their life. Why not combine the two best days of the year into one glorious fiesta?

I have a feeling women are already convinced, so let me appeal to the men out there. Imagine you show up at a Super Bowl party and instead of just chips and dip and a keg of beer, you find crab puff pastries and prosecco with raspberries. While you lounge on the couch in front of the big game, popping chocolate covered strawberries into your mouth, your lady love is holding court and enjoying being the center of attention. Half-time is no longer just a bathroom break, but a time to play games, score fun prizes, and celebrate the bride and groom to be. For a special treat that everyone will enjoy, try Russian Gummy shots:

2 bags of gummy bears (regular, not sour)
1 bottle of vodka
Shot glasses

Mix ingredients in a bowl, cover and let sit overnight. Spoon the inflated bears into shot glasses and serve as a yummy, gummy treat to toast your nuptials and celebrate your win! Here's to you, Ms. Christie, for realizing that being a partner means creating an experience that will be great for both you and your love. Happy Super Bowl Engagement Party!

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Luv Coach Q&A: Mixed Messages

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-04T22:20:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Parenting, Marriage, Sex

I have been dating a man on and off for five and a half years. Whenever he seems to get close to me, he starts looking for another woman to date orhave sex with. We spent a wonderful weekend together, and he has called me several times a day for the last month. Then, all of a sudden, he says that I am trying to control him, and I need to back off. He said he would call me and that is the way it will be. I am having problems understanding this. Help!

-- Jett

This is a long time to invest in a relationship with a man who is disrespectful and obviously not committed to you. It sounds like he doesn't believe in having a monogamous relationship, and through the use of abuse and control wants to manipulate you into accepting whatever he chooses to do. I would advise you to end this unhealthy, uncommitted relationship immediately. It's time to get educated about healthy loving relationships and learn how to consciously date so that you pick a partner who believes in having a loving, respectful, fulfilled relationship. You deserve better, and the only person who can stand up for that is you.

I have been in a relationship for a year now and things between us are fine until the kids come into the picture. We are both very protective of our own, so we bump heads often concerning our children. We only have disagreements when it comes to our kids. I want her to be the mother figure for my girls, but at times, I don't approve of her tone of voice. It's not what she says, but how she says it. I am the man in the relationship, so I lay down the rules, but it's hard for us both. What should I do?

-- Harlen

First, let me tell you that in any relationship, both partners need to treat the other as an equal, and that means respecting the ideas and choices that each one brings to the table. When you approach a relationship with the idea that you are the man and you lay down the rules, then you might as well be a single father. The purpose of a partnership is to work out issues and to set rules together as a cohesive unit. If you wanted to buy a home, would you do it alone or would you include your wife in the decision making process? So to begin, let go of the belief that "your" way is the only way, and shift your brain to think about questioning what "our" way will be. Next, you and your wife need to accept that you both have different parenting styles and neither one is perfect. When you are faced with an issue dealing with kids, you need to show them that you are united. I want you both to write down (1) what is the issue, (2) what you think the best choice will be, (3) why you believe it is the best choice, and (4) what you expect that choice to achieve. Then, exchange papers and read aloud what the other person has written. Next, I want you to defend what is written on the piece of paper you are holding and explain why you think it makes sense. Once you have done that, work out with your partner what the best choice will be for the kids in order to achieve the best outcome for the family.

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Does Your Lady Have Issues With Strippers? Strip Club Etiquette 101

Mason Jamal — 2010-02-03T13:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Marriage, Infidelity, E-Male Advisor

My girlfriend has issues. She gets upset every time I go out to a strip club with my friends. I try to tell her it's just entertainment, but there's always an argument when I get home. Why can't she just relax about it?

-- Myron

So here's the deal: Every couple has their own version of what's known in broadcast media as "standards and practices." They guide the moral and ethical decisions that are made within a relationship. Ideally, both parties are in agreement on what they'll tolerate in terms of edgy content, but that's not always the case. Specifically, the entertainment value of disrobed women, seductively gyrating in stilettos for a night's pay, seems to be a point of contention for a lot couples.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

Therefore, when it comes to strip clubs, a lot of guys falsify their whereabouts, as if they were CIA agents on covert missions to Ass-ghanistan. We all have a friend or two who operate in this manner and it's a sad sight to see. In your case, at least you're honest and up front about it, which is more than a lot of men can say. It's not like you're venturing off for a Brazilian sex vacation. You're just looking to be teased and titillated for a few hours by some women, who you hope your daughters and nieces don't grow up to be. I got it. Been there (literally) plenty of times.

Having said that, place yourself in her shoes. Imagine that she and her girlfriends are always hotfooting it to male strip shows featuring dancers with those ridiculous names that women seem to find flirtatiously enticing after a couple of drinks. You know who I'm talking about -- names like "Dr. Mandingo," "Jack Hammer," "Chocolate Hurricane," or "Notorious Biggie Ballz.." And it doesn't matter that I just made these names up. The question is how would you feel about it? If you have some uneasiness with the thought, maybe now is a good time to think twice about your own outings. After all, karma is more than just the name of your favorite stripper.

Something else to consider is bringing the girlfriend along (minus the fellas) on one of your pleasure trips, assuming she's up for it, of course. I don't think most men realize this, but a lot of women, especially those in their twenties and thirties, are game. If for no other reason, they're curious. They want to know what the fascination is. Typically, they end up entertained and often amused by it all. And I'm not sure what it is, but female strippers love female tippers. It's unwritten strip club law; the guy who brings the open-minded girlfriend or wife usually makes out like a lucky bastard by the end of the night. One thing I advise against, however, is excessive tipping on your part. Making it rain isn't suggested when you're out with your girlfriend Actually, girlfriend or not, the whole spectacle is absurd. But something about dropping a wad of cash on a naked woman who's feverishly smacking and clapping her butt cheeks while you're girlfriend looks on just doesn't scream best idea ever.

Regardless of tipping habits, be sure you pick a spot that ranks high on the "ashy to classy" index. It makes all the difference in the world. A (bullet) hole in the wall establishment that lacks visible outdoor signage, requiring a secret knock, and that operates without proper permits and licenses may not fly with the woman who already suspects you have sleazy tendencies. Plus, getting your girlfriend swept up in a vice squad raid is not exactly going to grease the skids for the next outing, with or without her.

Now, Myron, if you're hiding something, like you're secretly living out the lyrics to 'I'm In Love With A Stripper' then you're the one with the issues, not her. The first thing you have to do is stop being influenced by strip club anthems. Falling hard for women who go by stage aliases like Karma, Kandy-licious and Klamyida isn't a good look. The second, but most important thing you have to do if you're indeed in love with strippers, is evaluate your commitment to your real relationship. Always know where home is. That's the most important thing. Keep it all in perspective, player.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and on Facebook.

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Let Black Voices Give You A Sade-Themed "Night of Romance"

Lauren Williams — 2010-02-02T09:00:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Marriage, Sex

Do you want to create a romantic Valentine's Day night for your honey this year, but money problems are making those plans a not-so-sweet taboo? You could be in luck -- Black Voices is coming to the rescue of one hopeless romantic. In celebration of sensual singer Sade's new album 'Soldier of Love' and, of course, Valentine's Day, Black Voices and Sony are teaming up to give away a box set of Sade's albums, including her newest release, and a $150 VISA gift card that can be used for a dinner for two.

All you have to do is leave a comment by February 9th letting us know, in 250 words or less, why you and your significant other deserve a sexy, Sade-inspired night out on BV's dime. Entries will be judged on their creativity and originality! The lucky lover will be notified on the 10th, so watch your inboxes. Click here for the official rules.

Read more about Sade on BV:
Behind the Scenes: Sade's Soldier of Love
Get the Look: Sade's Soldier of Love

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Luv Coach Q&A: Loyalty & Lying

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-02T08:34:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage, Infidelity

My husband and I have been married for a year and are expecting our first child in March. Before we got married, he broke up with me and started dealing with another woman. After a week, he came back and we got married. Two months later, I found out that he was speaking to another woman through e-mails and text messages. He told her he regretted marrying me and that he loved her. He apologized to me, so I forgave him. Since then, he has done the same thing numerous times with few different women. The last incident was over the holidays, when we were out of town visiting his family. I went through his phone and saw that he had been messaging the same woman he was speaking to the week we were broken up. She was in the same area visiting her family. When I confronted him, he again apologized and told me he loved me and that it won't happen again. After this last incident, he agreed to go to a marriage counselor, but he has yet to set up an appointment or to even look into where we can go and what our insurance will cover. I can't trust him. I keep thinking about leaving him, but I want to make things work, and I want my daughter to have her father in her life. I'm just at a loss of what to do and I don't know how much longer I can go on.

-- Andrea
It sounds like your husband wasn't ready to be in a committed relationship from the very beginning. His actions before and during the marriage show that he does not want to be in a monogamous relationship, and he is telling you loud and clear. Since he refuses to change and is unwilling to get help, he is letting you know that this is how he is going to operate whether you stay or go. The trust in your relationship is broken, and aside from telling you that it won't happen again, a promise that he has broken more than once, he is doing nothing to rebuild it. The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to raise a child in an unhappy household where she'll witness lying, cheating, anger, hurt and betrayal? Your daughter will always have her father in her life, whether you choose to stay or leave, as long as he is willing to be a father. It's time to get help and weigh your options before you make a move. I would recommend that you see a professional to help you sort through the beliefs that allowed you to ignore all the red flags and led you into a marriage with a man who cannot commit.

I have been married for 43 years and found out recently that my husband was talking to another woman at his job on his cell phone. I went to his work and told her not to call him anymore, and I told him the same thing. He said they were just talking. I know that all he can do is talk, because of his sickness, but I can't understand why he would turn to another woman when he can't perform at home?

-- Daisy

You have answered your own question. He is turning to another woman because she is not aware of his inability to perform at home. In your eyes, he is sick and therefore is not a "whole man," but in the eyes of someone who does not know he is sick, he may be perceived as a great man. Men need to feel confident in their abilities, be able to identify with the role of a man and feel needed by the ones they love. This is all part of fulfillment in love and in life. This does not excuse his behavior or his choice to emotionally cheat. You did well to set boundaries, but if you want to heal the relationship and reconnect, you need to assess what you can do or say to uplift his ego and help him as he struggles to re-establish his identity with this illness.

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Sans Wedding Ring: Restless Finger Syndrome

Mason Jamal — 2010-01-27T13:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Weddings, Marriage, Infidelity, E-Male Advisor

I have a male co-worker who is married -- happily married from what he says. But I notice he hardly wears his wedding band. I asked him about it and he said he's not a fan of jewelry. I have no reason to suspect he's not being faithful to his wife but as a single women I'm always disturbed by married men who don't wear their band. What are your thoughts on this?

- Cheryl

What's in the heart and mind should be all that matters. But it's not that easy. For many, especially women, it's also about what's on the finger. The wedding band is symbolic of the covenant between husband and wife. Without it, symbolism is quickly replaced by suspicion. Warranted or not, people think the worse of a guy going hando-commando. To single women, he represents an untagged married member of the male species roaming freely and unmonitored while preying on the unsuspecting. He's the character, that rears his head in every Tyler Perry screenplay, that women can't despise fast enough or hard enough.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

He's guilty until proven innocent. That's one way to look at it. The other way is a little less cynical. For a lot of men, it's not about wanting to appear single. Some men, like myself, really don't care for jewelry. For instance, sometimes I feel like my ring is cutting off proper blood circulation to the rest of my body, including my business. This is a problem. I told my wife it's either the ring or the sex; my blood vessels can't handle both. Because she knows me the way she does, she could only laugh and tell me to shut the hell up. See, my wife displays the tempered sensibilities of a lot married women (at least those I talked to). They tend not to get riled up because the hardware isn't welded to our fingers. In fact, they rather we just be honest about not liking rings and stop claiming pseudo-diseases like "ring-a-titus".

This whole ado about men and wedding rings is driven primarily by single women and understandably so. As a single female colleague of mine told me, "I don't want a married man in stealth mode coming at me all reckless." I get that. What woman really wants to be approached by the guy with oils radiating from his pores, who just slipped his ring into his pocket while simultaneously squirting breath freshener. It's not how you want to be approached, if at all, when you're out with your girlfriends having martinis.

But back to the married guy at work minus his ring and minding his business. Bottom line: he doesn't need to wear his wedding band because others have hang ups. That call is his between him and his significant other. Chances are the wife isn't trippin'. So neither should you. And, by the way, if it's okay for a guy not to wear his ring, then it needs to be okay for his wife not to wear hers either should the mood not strike her.

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Behind the Scenes: Sade's 'Soldier of Love'

Angela Bronner Helm — 2010-01-26T12:43:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love

Hey Lovaaaaaas -- our patron saint, Sade Adu has returned to us...and not a moment too soon. Sade debuted her first album, 'Diamond Life,' 25 years ago and sounds as strong and heartfelt (and looks as beautiful) as ever.

BV on Love is serving you up a special treat -- exclusive behind-the-scenes footage with one of the most iconic music figures alive today. See Sade -- who rarely gives interviews -- up close and personal as she and her band, bassist Paul Denman, guitarist/sax player Stuart Matthewman, and keyboardist Andrew Hale, talk about their creative process. There's also the making-of the 'Soldier of Love,' video, directed by Sophie Mueller and choreographed by Fatima Robinson.

'Soldier of Love' the album drops Feb. 8, 2010. Stay tuned to BV on Love and find out how you can win a special Sade Valentine's Day package for two!

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Luv Coach Q&A: Rushing into Love

Rebecca Brody — 2010-01-22T20:55:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

I am 26, a single mother, and recently divorced. I have a new boyfriend of seven months. He is going through some horrible events in his life, and I have helped him in anyway I can, even to the point of draining myself financially and physically. I love him, but is love enough? Should you stay with someone that snaps at you when he gets stressed out? He tells me that I'm the only good thing he has right now, and that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. Last night we got into a horrible fight, and he said some mean things to me. I freak out whenever that happens. I'm not very good at communicating my feelings or concerns, because for 6 years I was yelled at and belittled by my ex-husband. I broke up with my boyfriend, and he came over to my house begging me to take him back, which I did. Did I do the right thing? My daughter absolutely adores him, and I've already watched her go through the separation from her father. I'm scared that he's using me. He says he's not, but I don't know if I believe him. He doesn't have a car right now, so he borrows mine while I'm at work. I'm willing to help him in anyway I can. He cleans it for me and fills it up with gas. Even my mom is concerned that he's using me.

Laurie

It is not easy to deal with stressful situations in a relationship when one person is going through troubled waters. This is the time when relationships are tested and you get to see what the foundation is really made of. In any relationship you cannot allow yourself to be drained to the point where you do yourself a disservice. You must draw a line that lets you know just how much help you can give and at what point you have to say no. Sit down and work out boundaries of what you can do to help, and when you have to say no. You need to also set boundaries around behavior. If he is stressed, upset or angry let him know that you don't want him around you or your daughter during those times. He has to learn healthier ways to express his frustrations and verbal abuse will not be tolerated. If he respects your boundaries and continues to treat you in a loving and respectful manner then you have your answer as to whether or not he is using you. If he gets angry when you refuse to help him more, then cut him loose, because he doesn't have your best interest in mind.

I knew this guy at work and after a few months we went on a date. It was wonderful and felt good to have met a guy after my divorce. After seeing each other for three weeks he proposed and asked me to marry him. I said yes and four months later we moved in together with my two kids. I am nine weeks pregnant and I am afraid that I made a mistake in moving in so quickly and now having his baby. He also has a one-year-old daughter who I don't see because her mom doesn't allow him to take her. Somehow I feel that I should have gotten to know him better. I love him but does he really love me? Maybe I am just blind and made a choice because I was lonely and he gave me all the attention. We have a great relationship and are open to any discussion. But something tells me that I should have waited. I don't want to make a decision that I may regret. Should I hang on and see what happens after the baby is born?

Janet

Rushing into a relationship and bringing your kids into one without really knowing the other person is reckless. You should have waited to learn who this man really is before you decided to spend the rest of your life with him and let your children call him dad. Marriage is not something you do on a whim, and throwing one away should not be so easy for you. Your callous decision to enter into this relationship so quickly, makes me question your knowledge and understanding of love and what it means to be a partner. It's time for you to do some real work and take the time to get to know your husband. Before you consider kicking him to the curb, you have to show him the respect of actually getting to know him and that means working on building trust, love, and connection. Pick up the book Intellectual Foreplay by Eve and Steve Hogan and ask each other the questions to really begin to connect. I advise you to work with a relationship coach to help you better understand what it means to be a loving partner in life.

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"Amazing Bodies"....Says Who?

Mason Jamal — 2010-01-22T18:01:00+00:00

Filed under: E-Male Advisor

This past Sunday I missed Monique snagging her much deserved Golden Globe for best supporting actress . The following morning, however, I caught the highlights of the ceremony including the customary critiques of what actress wore what and how she wore it. Normally I turn the channel, but this time I just went with it. Seconds into it I remembered why I typically reach for the remote. First, this whole male testosterone thing I got going on never fails to interrupt my interest. Second, unless it's the portion of the program when they discuss best cleavage of the night or what form fitting dress Beyonce managed to slink herself into, I could really care less.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

The other issue is this: all the incessant drivel about "amazing bodies" is simply nauseating. Whether it's the likes of Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Anniston or even Zoe Saldana, I'm tired of media types obsessing over the so slender you-can-bend-her body type. I'm not knocking the women. Sexy comes in all shapes and sizes. But I am concerned about the subtext, of the on air conversations, which outright rejects the shapely figure more commonly found among women of color.

We all have personal preferences. Most black men, like myself, prefer someone we can hold on to without fear of snapping a limb. She got bodacious bones in her body and enough cushion for the pushin'. This is what I'm saying. Who says her body isn't amazing? Hollywood and mainstream media can kiss her magnificent black @ss. After all, that's all they focus on anyway, when they do their token acknowledgements of women with other body types. They reduce women of color, more times than not, to isolated body parts - typically their backsides - as if all her body is good for is "smashing da homie".

Listen, mainstream media doesn't need to validate the beautiful bodies of women of color. Black men are on it. But, as a commentator, damn if I give them a pass. It needed to be said.

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Charles Phillips Didn't Need an Oracle To See This One Coming

Angela Bronner Helm — 2010-01-22T10:54:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Relationships, Infidelity

Adages have staying power for a reason. One of the most prominent -- Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned -- continues to ring true. Just ask Tiger Woods and his head lumps.

This time yet another prominent and powerful African American man, Charles E. Phillips, 50, president of tech company, Oracle, had his reputation go down in flames after his mistress YaVaughnie Wilkins, 42, plastered at least five billboards across the country proclaiming her love for him complete with a web site with proof of their decade-long affair.

Three of the billboards were scattered around New York City where Phillips resides with his wife and son; one sprung up in San Fransicso where Wilkins lives (and where Oracle is headquartered), and one appeared in Atlanta. The giant "you're busted" signs are estimated to have cost $50,000 each or a quarter of a million dollars.

Three stories in height, the billboards show the couple embraced from happier times and an alleged quote from Phillips himself -- "You are my soulmate forever" -cep. The billboard also includes the website address which since has been taken down.

The Post quotes the designer of the web site saying ya girl YaVaughnie paid about $1500 to have it built last year "as a present for Charles" and includes eight photo albums -- chronicling the years they were together. The photos dating back to 2001, show the couple everywhere around the world from the Great Wall of China to exotic locales to New Year's celebrations.

According to the NY Post, which plastered this fiasco on their front page today -- Wilkins, a writer and actress, and Phillips, had a ten-year affair which the tech honcho recently ended. Karen Phillips filed for divorce in February 2008, but the couple reportedly reconciled last year, which may have thrown the scorned mistress over the edge.

But what these inquiring minds want to know is -- who paid for that Billboard? And was it worth it? (Charles -- Is it ever?)

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Luv Coach Q&A: Stay or Go?

Rebecca Brody — 2010-01-16T12:58:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

I have been with my wife for over 30 years and she has always been less than sexual and even less affectionate. We have stopped making love on her part not mine. I still love her, but my patience is running thin. What should we do?

Edwin

As relationships age, it is very easy for couples to become complacent with their situation, and they forget that they still have to work to keep the relationship vibrant, healthy and exciting. It sounds like you entered into a marriage with someone who was unable to fulfill your emotional needs from the very beginning. The question you have to ask yourself is what you are doing to get your emotional needs met. How are you letting her know that you need affection, and how specific are you about the type of affection that you are looking for? First, try asking for a hug or a kiss and address the issue of the lack of sex. Let her know that sex plays a large role in the connection necessary for a couple to bond, that you find her attractive and that you want to continue bonding with her. Open the lines of communication to find out what she finds sexually exciting, as this may have changed over the years. If she is unable to fulfill your needs, then let her know that you two need to get professional help so you can figure out how to inject the spice back into the marriage.

I am in a relationship with this guy who seems to be working in London. He says that he is coming here to live but is yet to show. He often says he needs help for his mom and that I should send money. Now, he calls me his wife and says he wants to make me happy. He says he's up all night and wants to talk, and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be up or wouldn't be chatting late hours. Is he for real or trying to pursue a plan that he has put together? Then he says I'm special to him and I made him feel that life is worth living for. Help me! Should I believe him or pray to god to send him out of my life?

Pat

It sounds like this guy is running a scam. The fact that you have never met him and he is asking you for money is a huge red flag. This man does not love you, and he is most certainly using you for his own financial gain. He may be setting you up so that when he does come to the United States, you will agree to marry him and he can get a Visa or green card to stay in the country. There are many other cases of this happening to unsuspecting women, just like you. Your best choice is to cut him out of your life. You will find someone who will love you for who you are, not what you can get him.

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Ring Bling Obsession: I Have to Get Engaged!

Rebecca Brody — 2010-01-15T17:30:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach, Weddings, Marriage

I have been dating my boyfriend for over three years, and as the time has passed, I have become increasingly obsessed with getting engaged. First, let me clarify what I mean by obsessed. I have already picked out the ring, and I visit it online several times a day. I even have the page loaded in my iPhone in case I want to drop in to say hello on the go. I have scoured the islands for the perfect beach spot to have a wedding, and I check in every few days in hopes that I may find a sale on the villa. Like every woman in these ravaged economic times, I love a good bargain, so why not on a wedding?

I fantasize about how I will feel when he pops the question and try to get into his head to see if he's thinking about it too. This inevitably leads me to look dreamily at him and ask that inane question "Whatcha thinkin?" I dare say my 'googly' eyes look a little crazy when I get that way. I started surfing the web for wedding dresses but then stopped that practice. I realized I was getting ahead of myself, since I wasn't even over the first hurdle. I was not engaged.

As my wedding clock ticks away, so does my sanity. The vain thought that I don't want to look old in my wedding pictures slips into my mind, and I have to dismiss it along with fears that he will never ask or that maybe he thinks I am not marriage material. As I hear stories of friends who got engaged over the holidays, I feel happy for them as well as a tinge of jealousy that I have not achieved the coveted status of fiancee. With all of these negative thoughts feeding my insecurities, I feel the need to address all the ladies who suffer from this common condition: Ring Bling Obsession!

Symptoms include:

Coveting a shiny, sparkly ring and believing that once the box is opened, eternal happiness will miraculously follow. (Have we forgotten about Pandora's box?)
The belief that the title "fiance" will elevate you to a status that is above others, and make you uniquely special.
Constantly fantasizing about the day he pops the question, and the beautiful wedding you have already planned.
Living in anticipation that he may pop the question at any moment, and not only feeling dejected when he doesn't, but angrily labeling him a failure to commit.
Pointing the finger at your partner each time some one asks when you two are going to get married and bitterly replying "I don't know. Ask him!"

No matter how long you have been in a relationship, you have to remember that making the decision to get engaged takes time and everyone works according to their own schedule. It's time to step back and take a deep breath if you are one of the millions of women who, like me, suffer from ring bling obsession. It is time to ask ourselves why we have allowed this obsession to take over our lives and rule our spirits. I have come to realize that my ring bling obsession stems from the need for security, and even though I have a loving, trusting, beautiful relationship, I want the stability that lets me know that I will have this relationship forever.

Take a look inside yourself and try to understand why you suffer from ring bling obsession. Do you want control, acknowledgment, stability, division or connection? What do you fear losing? Your happiness is based on your perception, so focus on what you have instead of being obsessed with what you don't have. The day will come when you get to call yourself his wife, but, until then, enjoy every moment you get to call him your love.

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Black Men and 'Exotic' Others

Mason Jamal — 2010-01-14T17:23:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Relationships, Marriage, E Male Adviser, E-Male Advisor

I recently saw the new cover of Ebony magazine featuring Djimon Hounsou with his new wife Kimora Lee. What's up with black men flocking to these exotic looking women? Are black women not good enough any more?

Ms. Concerned and Mad

Okay, we're busted with our in the nookie jar of assorted flavors. You might as well turn on the sista-girl sirens and tell us to slowly back away from the "exotic looking" chicks. Never mind the reality that 97% of married black men are wedded to black women. That's just a conspiracy to make black women think we're into them, but apparently the jig is up. You got us.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

Real talk. What's up with the handful of black women, like yourself, who still feel the need to call foul every time the ball isn't hit your way? See, even though you have grossly generalized black men, I want to be careful about not making a sweeping indictment of black women. From what I can tell, it's really just a few of you who are still harboring these ill feelings. If I were to take the temperature of black women across the board, it's actually not running that hot when it comes to this issue. Black women seem to be getting past the racial resentment of seeing a black man with a woman who's of another background. They no longer feel obligated to deliver the stare of death. Times have changed and so has the climate. Maybe it's the cooling effect of living in Obama's "post-racial America"? Yeah, it's probably not that but it's something.

I will admit, however, that a good number of black men like their dating pools to be of the Olympic variety, in size and international scope. Before marrying my wife who is African American, I took a few laps myself. Nevertheless, by and large, black men still prefer black women.

Furthermore, you say that you're "concerned and mad", but are you sure that it's not concern and confusion? That fact of the matter is Kimora Lee is half-African American, half-Japanese. That makes her of mixed heritage - not what you refer to as "exotic looking", a term that tends to make me cringe when it's used to describe women who aren't strippers named Destiny with albino boa constrictors draped around around their necks. Besides, Kimora, happens to be as black as President Obama, who is also of mixed heritage, and I don't think anyone wants to refer to him as the "exotic looking Commander-in-Chief". Okay, Harry Reid might but that's just Harry being Harry.

Some, however, may refer to Kimora and individuals like her as "Blasian", a popular term to describe people, women in particular, of black and Asian descents. I can't lie. I've used the term in the past, but I'm not too terribly fond of it any more. A part of me thinks it's mildly offensive. Another part of me thinks it sounds like a better description for a new sauce at KFC. A bucket of blasian hot wings would be hard to turn down. So would Kimora for that matter...you know, if I were single and all.

Bottom line: we like what we like. And 97% of the time it's black women we marry. If we choose to diversify our dating pool from time to time, don't look at us like we just unraveled 40 years of civil rights progress. Dating or even marrying outside the race is not an act of racial treason. And this has to go both ways: what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Black women shouldn't feel bound to black men. In the end, I think the 97% of us who find love and happiness with each other is more than enough to preserve the race, if that's what you're worried about.

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La La Vazquez and Carmelo Anthony to be Married

Hayat Mohamed — 2010-01-13T13:53:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Marriage

After a long term engagement -- five years to be exact -- La La Vazquez just announced that she and her fiancé, Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets, are finally tying the knot! While out and about in New York City yesterday with her mother, Carmen, the television personality said that the couple plan to get hitched in the city this summer. After confirmation from her publicist, it's safe to say that the couple is officially on their way to marital bliss. La La's publicist has confirmed to Black Voices that the couple has indeed decided to make it official this year, and the soon-to-be Mrs. Anthony has enlisted celebrity wedding planner Mindy Weiss, who has has worked with the likes of Eva Longoria, Heidi Klum and Gwen Stefani, to plan the affair. La La hasn't released any wedding details just yet, but her publicist told us that she will be shopping around for venues and a designer.

La La has been assuring people for years that she was content with her lengthy engagement to Anthony.

In May, she told Black Voices, "I just tell people it's not some hidden thing that's going on. Some people believe that if you're not married that something has to be happening, there's some catch to the relationship. I mean you wouldn't be with someone for five years and have a child with someone if you weren't happy."
However, she did admit that after giving birth to their son, Kiyan Carmelo Anthony, back in 2007 the desire to get married became a priority.

"Having a son now has made [getting married] more important because we have a child now, and I want my child to be able to say his parents are married and he doesn't have to deal with "Why is her last name this and his that?"

Even though they're planning a New York City wedding, the couple actually prefers to live on the West Coast. Vazquez was seen house hunting in Los Angeles last week, and the family plans to live in Hollywood during Anthony's off season.

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It's Detox Time: Refresh Your Relationship and Get Rid of Bad Spirits

Rebecca Brody — 2010-01-12T13:10:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Luv Coach

It's time to clean out your "bad spirit." Every relationship goes through ups and downs, and to make sure that you start the new year off on a positive note, a relationship detox is in order. It's time to shed the negative toxins that have poisoned your relationship and refocus your mind on what is most important to the health of your coupling. There are a host of "bad spirits" that can undermine your relationship, and until you become aware of what they are, you can't stop them from infiltrating your love life. After the jump, read up on the top 10 "bad spirits." If you recognize yourself in any of these, detox immediately. Here's to healthy, happy relationships in 2010!

The Scorekeeper
You constantly compete with your partner, and it turns your relationship into a battleground. You sacrifice your relationship to be a winner at the expense of making your partner a loser. Healthy relationships are built on love, so let go of the your competitive spirit and focus on creating a win-win relationship for both you and your partner.

The Faultfinder
You constantly see the worst in your partner and obsess over every little flaw. This inevitably drives love away, and creates division within your relationship. Focus on what is right about your partner and let him or her know what you love most.

I'm Always Right
Believing that you are always right creates an atmosphere of fighting to the death. The death of your relationship that is. You have to let go of your need to always be in control and focus your attention on what will work for the relationship.

The Pit Bull
Do you attack your partner with vicious words, a mean tone or a frosty stare when you get into an argument? It's time to tame the pit bull in you and find healthier ways to communicate. Your intention should not be to hurt your partner, but rather to find a compromising solution to the problem that works for both of you.

The Passive Aggressor
Are you the type that slashes your partners tires, then acts surprised when it's discovered? Do you tell everyone in town your spouse is a loser and then pretend to not know what he is talking about when he confronts you? Your underhanded attempts to sabotage your partner will only weaken your relationship. If you have an issue, bring it to the table and learn to deal with problems as a couple.

Bait and Switch
Have you ever been angry at your partner about one problem, but criticized him about another? You need to address the real issue if you are to solve any problems, and you can't do that if you're pointing in the wrong direction. Be brave and assertive when approaching an issue and don't pull the bait and switch.

Forgive? Fuggetaboutit!
When you choose to hold a grudge and not forgive your partner you trap yourself between a rock and a hard place. The negative energy that invades your relationship will affect your feelings and wreak havoc. Learning to forgive is vital to the health of your love, so focus on what you can do to live and let go.

The Greedy Needy
Are you so needy that you drive your partner crazy? Do you constantly demand reassurance but can never seem to get enough attention or love? It's time to find self worth within yourself, and that means believing in your and finding value in who you are.

The Sloth
Are you so comfortable in your relationship that you have stopped trying? Do you let your partner bear the brunt of responsibilities? Failing to stimulate and contribute to the life of your relationship will leave your love stagnant. Get off your butt and act like you still need to impress, and spend each day working to keep the flame alive.

Giving Up
You may be at the point in your relationship where you feel there is no way to heal the love. You have become so negative and cynical that you have isolated yourself or have just given up. This is the time to confront your problems and not run away from them. If you want to be in a successful relationship there is no room for giving up.

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Luv Coach Q&A: Polygamy

Rebecca Brody — 2010-01-07T20:26:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Luv Coach, Marriage

I am a 47-year-old divorcee who got involved with a married man. He is 55 and explained in the beginning that he was looking for a long -term relationship. He moved me out of state when his job transferred him. He explained to me that there are financial ties that are involved with his marriage. I actually was just having fun with him in the beginning and did not want more. We fell in love. He then bought me a wedding ring. I felt bad, so I contacted the wife and showed her the ring, thinking he would leave me after that. We met, and she said I was everything he would want in a woman. I was shocked. She seemed not to care and said she wanted him happy. I thought this would end it for us. He showed me a verse in the Bible that made a lot of sense to me regarding our situation. A month later, we decided to have a commitment ceremony in a chapel. Him and his first wife share property and agreed to keep it in both names. I am not pushing him to do anything yet. He calls me his wife and says we will never divorce. I am embarrassed by this. What do you make of this?

Tonya

You are living in a polygamous relationship. Your husband has two wives, and if that is not how you were raised, then it is understandable that you would be embarrassed. What you need to be clear about is the fact that in the eyes of the law, you are not actually married to him, and you have no rights to his property if something were to happen to him. The fact that you are embarrassed tells me that you are not living your values and are now looking for reassurance from a relationship expert to tell you that what you are doing is right. The answer doesn't come from me, it comes from within you, and you already know what that answer is. When it comes to your beliefs and values are you walking the talk?

I have been in a two-year relationship with a man who has not divorced his wife. He said they are still married on paper because if they got a divorce he would lose his share of his company. I have been understanding these past years, but his wife keeps calling me and claiming that they're still having sex. We live together, but he won't take me to his family holidays or functions because his sister doesn't want me there. She says it sets a bad example for her kids. I'm not sure what to believe at this point, but I feel like I am losing my mind. What should I do?

Ivy

The question you have to ask yourself is do you want to be a wife or do you want to be a mistress? Your boyfriend has left his wife and moved in with his mistress and you have allowed him to do this to you. It's time to move on and find a relationship with someone who values who you are and treats you with the respect that you deserve. Let go of the drama, and as you enter into the dating world, look for a man who is not only available but is ready to take on a serious relationship.

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The G-Spot: Rumor or Real?

Mason Jamal — 2010-01-07T16:01:00+00:00

Filed under: Sexual Health , Sex, E-Male Advisor

The G-spot isn't exactly the GPS-spot. Navigation for it doesn't exist, and directions to its whereabouts are sketchy at best. A blindfolded wild goose chase pops to mind. It ranks right up there with looking for weapons of mass destruction in the Bermuda Triangle. The fact that this point of pleasure can be so elusive begs the question time and time again: Is the G-spot the gospel or simply gossip? A study set to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests it's the latter.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

According to a group of male scientists at Kings College London in the UK, the big ado is all for naught. They claim the 8th wonder of the world is a figment of the female imagination and that if a woman says she has a G-spot it's only because she thinks she has one. This conclusion is based on a questionnaire of more than 1,800 female twins aged 22 to 83. While more than half of the women laid claims to a G-spot, their twins had no knowledge of one in most cases. So could the G-spot, reported to be tucked away on the vagina's interior front wall, actually be just a sexual placebo effect?

Not so fast. First of all, both the discovery and dismissal of this female erogenous zone are the deeds of men. The notion of guys professing to know the female body better than women themselves gives sufficient reason to be skeptical of everything else that follows. It was 1950 when the idea of the G-spot, named after German scientist Ernst Gräfenberg, first surfaced. Fast-forward 60 years later and it's blokes from Britain who are claiming the response to this "so called" hedonistic hot button is mere sexual theater of the female mind.

One theory is it was initially introduced to further justify male penetration. But after years of frustration of not being able to be "Johnny on the spot," men now claim the damn thing doesn't even exist. One thing is true. There are many paths to pleasure, most of which are easier than this aforementioned orgasmic odyssey to this place known as the G-spot.

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Reggie Bush Covers Essence: Kim Kardashian Controversy

Lauren Williams — 2010-01-06T13:24:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love

Sex sells. So it stands to reason that a magazine with Reggie Bush and his bared chest and washboard abs on its cover would be quite popular indeed. Right? Maybe -- unless the magazine is Essence, and the issue in question is its February "Black Men, Love & Relationships Issue." While the magazine's loyal readers have found little fault with the sexy photo of the running back for the New Orleans Saints, many are (angrily) questioning why editors chose to put Bush, who dates the decidedly not black Kim Kardashian, on the cover of the love and relationships issue of a magazine dedicated to black women.

Should the opponents of the magazine cover lighten up and enjoy the pictures, or does Bush have no place on the cover of Essence's love and relationships issue? Let us know below.

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Rihanna & Matt Kemp: Latest Celebrity Love Match?

Lauren Williams — 2010-01-05T18:43:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love

Tristan Who? The tabs dubbed the '90210' actor Tristan Wilds Rihanna's man of the moment less than two months ago, but the singer has quite clearly and publicly moved on. The latest? She's currently on vacation in Cabo San Lucas with Los Angeles Dodger Matt Kemp, and a source told People she "wants the world to know that she's happy with [him]."

According to the People, onlookers at their luxury resort in Cabo have spotted the duo kissing and "gazing into the ocean." Bets on how long it lasts?

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The Single Black Female and the Faulty Premise

Mason Jamal — 2009-12-31T12:07:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Weddings, Marriage, E-Male Advisor

Last week, single black women were ushered into the new year by an ABC News report that suggested "finding the right man is proving elusive." The segment, which aired on 'Nightline,' predictably framed the issue by asking "are the standards of black women too high or are the pickings too slim?" It's not exactly an original question.

The proposition has been repackaged time and time again. It's damaged goods at this point. Nonetheless, it's tempting to oversimplify the reasons why so many black women find themselves living the single life well into their thirties and beyond. It doesn't help that the chatter detailing their circumstances, although often misrepresented and misguided, stays at a fever pitch. It's hard to sort between fact and fiction at times.

In part, popular culture and the whole "life imitating art" concept are to blame. One too many television shows centered around gabbing girlfriends and three too many movies starring the ever-present Gabrielle Union and Morris Chestnut have provided watered down interpretations of male-female dynamics. Real-world relationships, and the pursuit of them, are multidimensional and far more nuanced. Therefore, the idea of reducing the real, heartfelt experiences of black women to the cliché storylines of the urban romantic comedy genre is a disservice to black women. It should also be noted at this point that some black women are actually single by choice, something that 'Nightline' chose not to acknowledge.

(Follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

The other culprit casting a long shadow on the hopes of black women is the constantly cited set of statistics on the abundance of eligible black women contrasted to the supposed absence of "suitable" black men. 'Nightline' was practically foaming at the mouth. According to its report, black women in the United States outnumber black men by 1.8 million to begin with. To further aggravate matters, the show claims that 21 percent of black men lack a high school diploma, 17 percent are unemployed, and 8 percent of 25- to 34-year-olds are incarcerated, leaving roughly only 54 percent of the black male population romantically acceptable -- and that's before you separate out the ones who are already hitched. I'm surprised they didn't stir the pot even more by tossing in the business of all these alleged brothers on the down-low. Believe everything you read and see on television and you can't help but think what's a black woman to do?

'Nightline' did, however, conveniently fail to mention the unquestionable overlap in several of these categories and, thereby, the figures are not quite as grim as suggested. That said, there are definitely some non-negotiable numbers factoring into this narrative that account for a lopsided playing field for single black women.

And black men know this, which begs the question that perhaps should have been asked in the first place: What's up with single black men and their feelings on all of this? The assumption always seems to be that if he's a "good black man," he'll want to marry a "good black woman." Isn't it possible to be a "good black man" and just not be into the idea of love, marriage and a baby carriage? Many single men, even those getting up there in age, are not relationship ready, let alone ready for marriage. It's helpful when men are forthright about it, but unfortunately that's the not always the case. Women would be wise to recognize the signs, which are usually written on the wall. It would save a lot of unnecessary angst and agony.

Invariably, it's women -- or their girlfriends -- who more often than not convince themselves that he'll come around. The pep talk is usually punctuated with something like, "gurrrl, he better." And let the chase begin. This is why many sought-after eligible bachelors are on the lam; they're relationship fugitives. They're not ready to turn themselves in. They're out there, but it's a game of cat and mouse, hide and seek. Single women can't catch up to them half the time because the loud tick-tocks of their biological clocks are a giveaway that a single woman eager to settle down is approaching. They might as well have jingling wedding bells hanging from their shoes.

Conversely, there are a plenty of eligible successful single black men who have a desire to settle down at some point ...with the operative words being "at some point." For men, matrimony is rarely a microwavable dish. Think Crock-Pot. It's a slow simmer, but slow and steady wins the race. Women, however, often grow impatient and understandably so sometimes.

Everyone has their own clock. The key is finding someone you can synchronize with, which leads us back to where we started. This redundant question that asks are black women's standards too high or are the pickings too slim is preposterous. It's neither. The premise of the question should offend our intelligence. Furthermore, the notion that is has to be an either-or proposition doesn't help; it hurts. There are a lot of factors to consider that tend to be glossed over in favor of cheap soundbites and easy answers that are frequently wrong. Dig deeper.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and find him on Facebook.

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