BV on Love

Rihanna Meets the Folks

Hayat Mohamed — 2010-03-09T17:31:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Dating, Relationships

Things really seem to be heating up these days between Rihanna and her baseball player beau Matt Kemp.

This past weekend, Rih Rih flew back to the states from Berlin to meet Kemp's parents in their hometown of Arizona. She left Germany early where she had just finished up performing at the Echo Awards just so she could make it in time for his annual Ante Up for Autism gala on Saturday; a cause that hits close to home for Kemp, whose younger brother is autistic.

According to E! Kemp's family also attended, and they met Rihanna for the first time.

"Rihanna fit right in as if they all knew each other," said a source. "It was comfortable."

The fundraiser was filled with Vegas-style gaming and cocktails, a silent auction, along with dinner and dancing. The event managed to raise an impressive $170,000 Saturday night with only 150 people in attendance. Talk about big spenders.

Insiders say "Matt was happy she came," to the event and "It was an awesome show of support." Ain't that the truth? Whether you're a celebrity or not, flying across the globe to support your boo is a major deal in our book. We're beginning to like this "non-couple" more and more.

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Sins of the Socks (Including Sex)

Mason Jamal — 2010-03-04T17:45:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Sex, E-Male Advisor

So my boyfriend has a thing for wearing socks when we have sex. I can't tell you how much I hate his footwear habits in bed. Maybe I'm too particular, but it seems very odd and silly looking. - Carla in Chicago

Thanks for raising the issue. The do's and don'ts of sock-wear, both socially and sexually, is vastly overlooked and under-discussed. Beyond your personal pet peeve, which I'll get to momentarily, there are several other sins of the socks that make the average man look like a fashion Antichrist.

For instance, with dress attire and even business-casual wear, the color of a man's socks should match his trousers, not his shoes. Dark blue pants, for example, require dark blue socks, gray pants require gray socks (of a similar shade) and red pants or anything of the primary palette requires a complete wardrobe intervention, as sock color suddenly becomes less important. So unless a man is colorblind, it's really that simple. And he should know that black socks, regardless of how enticing they may seem, should be saved for a black suit, which by the way should be saved for funerals and formal occasions.

And then we have the slinky socks -- the ones that no longer have the functional elasticity that allows the fabric to sit properly on a man's calves. Those need to be removed immediately and set on fire. Look, no one wants to see a man's hairy shins when he sits down and crosses his legs. Impotent socks that are unable to get up and stay up on their own are a pathetic sight to behold.

This leads me back to your original issue. Regardless of color or elasticity, there are three occasions when a man should never be caught wearing socks. One is when his feet are subject to get wet, as in bathing, swimming or being water-boarded. Two is when he wears sandals, despite his "frat boy" inclinations to do otherwise. And three is when he's about to "tap it." Yes, "tap it". Because, Carla, you are absolutely right; it's the silliest looking thing I've ever seen.

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Unfortunately, it's not exclusive to men. Some women are guilty as well. The very idea of foreplay, alone, with a partner who is fully undressed minus a pair of white footies or black nylon knee highs is magnificently un-erotic. There is a reason why actors and actresses don't wear socks in sex scenes; it's arguably the most unflattering bedroom look possible, right up there with a wave cap or set of rollers.

Typically, offenders will make the case that their feet are chilly. To that point, British researchers have discovered that couples with cold feet while "shagging" (yes, "shagging") are less likely to achieve full and genuine orgasms than couples who wear socks. Personally, I contend that if the feet aren't warmed by the natural body heat after ten minutes, somebody is doing something wrong anyway - either that or turn up the damn thermostat. And if the entire act is expected to last only 10 minutes or less, then again somebody is doing something wrong anyway.

Think of it this way: If what matters most is making sure all the extremities are nice and toasty before "bumping uglies," (yes, "bumping uglies") then why don't couples wear gloves and skull caps? It can't be any more hideous or any less of an act of sexual heresy than sporting socks like one is trying his or her best to recreate a bad porn scene. Seriously, what could be more sexually deflating than someone strutting out of the bathroom decked out in footies, a hat and mittens? Yes, it's utterly ridiculous. Tell him to keep it classy and lose the socks.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and on Facebook.

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Luv Coach Q&A: Rebuilding Trust

Rebecca Brody — 2010-03-04T11:15:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

I have been a mother figure to a young woman my husband and I have known since she was 12. She is 20 now and my husband is 51. She has three children that are like grandkids to us. I found in my husbands e-mail pictures of her naked, and a picture of them hugged up which appears to be in a motel room. He said I was crazy and the naked pic was sent to him by mistake. I checked the e-mail history and it came from his iPhone. He stated to me that he sent the pics to her and told her that she sent them to him by mistake. They text each other constantly, claiming it means nothing. I am hurt so bad by this. I have been good to this girl and I didn't deserve this. My first reaction was to go to her father since she still lives at home down the street from us. My husband talked me out of it, claiming it would start an unnecessary mess. He said he has never cheated on me. We have been married since 1995. What do I do?

Vivian
There is nothing more painful than the betrayal of the one you love and the uncertainty as to whether or not they are being honest. There is definitely something going on between your husband and this young woman. The fact that he sent these photos from his cell phone to his e-mail lets you know that he wanted to get a better look at them. The two of them hugged up in a motel tells you everything you need to know. When men are put in a position of confrontation they will lie to get out of trouble. Your husband is doing just that. Your first instinct, to tell her father, was the right one. If your husband was behaving as a responsible, mature adult he would have brought these photos to you the first time she sent them and asked your advice as to how to deal with it. Since he kept it a secret, he knows that he is doing something wrong. If your husband was being a mature adult who cared for this young woman's well being he would have addressed this issue with her father and let her father talk to her about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. I would recommend that you both go, as a couple, to see her father and let him know what is going on. It is the responsibility of adults to help children when they go astray. She is 20 and human beings do not fully mature mentally until the age of 24. It is your husband's place and your place to bring it to the attention of her parents, so that she learns that this is not acceptable behavior. Your husband will try to talk you out of doing the right thing, because he is approaching this with his "child's mind." He knows he has done something wrong and is now trying to hide his wrongdoing from the world. He feels embarrassed that his secret is out, and he does not want anyone else to be witness to his inappropriate behavior. You now have to be the adult and make the difficult choice to address it as the mature woman you are, even though your husband will fight you on it. This choice is for the good of your marriage and the mental health of this young woman.

I met a wonderful man, who has treated me, in the last few weeks of dating him, better than any other I've known. I have lived with and had long term relationships with other men, but no one as endearing as this one. He is willing to do almost anything to make me happy, but he has a past, one where he abused his privileges and took advantage of resources for his own personal use. I am falling very quickly and hard for him but there is some degree of mistrust. We met over the internet, and I find myself looking for ads online, only to discover he's not used them for months. The great news is he's paid for his mistakes and rejuvenated himself. I want to get over his past and my previous relationship issues and give him the trust he deserves. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to get hurt either.

Anonymous

Part of learning to love fully means taking the risk to trust someone else with your heart. The key to doing it safely is to take it slow and give yourself enough time to observe him as he interacts with you and with others in his life. This is the testing phase of dating when you want to watch and see if he walks the talk. He claims he has rejuvenated himself, so now you have to pay attention and see if what he says is translating to how he behaves. Are his actions those of a man who is honest and open about his choices? In the process of getting to know him, you should find out what led him to make the choices that landed him in hot water. You want to be aware of any signs that tell you something is different so you can recognize when he begins to go astray. This is the time to be very thorough about finding out who this man is, and if he is truly deserving of your heart.

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Luv Coach Q&A: Finding Direction

Rebecca Brody — 2010-03-04T11:06:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

My fiancée and I have 6 kids between us. Hers from a previous marriage are 18, 16, 8, and 6. I have an 11 and 10 year old boy and girl myself. We have lived together for the past year and are flourishing. I have been deployed in the Navy the past 5 months and am due to return in less than 45 days. I have maintained a job since I was 16, and have been in the military since I was 18. I am having a hard time with our 18 year old. He is a good kid but he is lost. He doesn't know what he wants and when I ask him if he needs any help I really get a blank "I don't know". When his mom and I decided to live together, she moved across the country. In moving he has had a hard time adjusting. He has obtained his high school diploma but cannot seem to figure out the next step. He isn't a party kid, and compared to me at his age he is very docile. His mom caters to him as if he is still a young boy, and I have a hard time with this. We share everything from finances to our home. He is currently not employed or enrolled in school. He seems to be content with living at home not doing anything. I want to talk to her about how I feel but I don't know how to bring it to her without hurting her or his feelings. Do you have any advice on how to open this dialogue??
It sounds like this is a sensitive area to broach since your fiancee still treats her son as a young child and is not ready to let her baby leave the nest. This is very typical of mothers who have had to raise their children on their own, and she has been unable to instill in him the role of a man. Your first task should be to get him out of his comfort zone and into trying new things that challenge and broaden his horizon. Plan a boys trip to go camping, white water rafting, and any other activities that teach him the skills to be independent and give him the opportunity to feel accomplished and successful. He is inexperienced and as his father you need to open him up to the possibilities that exist outside of the womb your wife keeps him in. He needs to get involved in activities with other kids his age, and you need to take him around to a few colleges and universities so he can see what other opportunities exist for him. Show him that the world is his oyster, and he just needs to go hunting for his pearl. I would also recommend that you get him a career coach to help him understand his strengths and explore the different jobs he is capable of doing.

As for your future wife, it's time to have the talk that let's her know that you also want the best for her son, and that means letting him grow up and take responsibility for his life. It doesn't mean she is going to lose him, but if she wants her son to grow up and be a highly functioning, happy adult, she needs to cut the strings and let him fly on his own. When you approach her on the topic, ask her what type of man she wanted to raise and what attributes and skills she hoped he would have when he was grown. Ask her to define her idea of a good man, and then ask her how the both of you can help him to reach this potential. You can even share your own stories of success and the great feeling of accomplishment you felt when you were able to afford to buy whatever you wanted at his age, and let her know that you want him to feel just as great. Always present it as the two of you being on the same side and wanting the best for your son, and she will eventually let him be the man he is destined to be.

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Open Marriages and Closed Minds

Mason Jamal — 2010-03-04T10:41:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love, Relationships, Infidelity, Sex, E-Male Advisor

Marriage is overrated unless your spouse allows you to date and have sex with other people. This is what Tiger Woods keeps telling himself he has to stop telling himself, because it never ends well when said spouse has access to your golf clubs and believes the exact opposite. But according to surveys, 4 to 9 percent of married couples subscribe to the philosophy of "open marriages," an arrangement in which each partner is free to enter into side relationships without guilt or jealousy from the other.

Earlier this week, there was much tabloid titillation about Mo'Nique's remarks to Barbara Walters about her own open marriage. The New York Daily News headline read 'Mo'Nique Says Her Husband is Allowed to Cheat.' That's not what she said, but that's how it's been widely interpreted. "Cheating" implies sneaking behind someone's back to carry on external affairs. But open marriages are, well, open, and therefore the word "cheating" isn't apropos. In fact, this isn't the first time Mo'Nique has publicly discussed the arrangement with her husband Sidney Hicks, but in this particular interview, scheduled to air this Sunday as part of Walter's annual Oscar special, she provides some clarity:

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"Let me say this: I have not had sex outside my marriage with Sidney. Could (he) have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That's not a deal-breaker. That's not something that would make us say, 'Pack your things and let's end the marriage.' We've been best friends for over 25 years, and we truly know who we are. Oftentimes, people get into marriages and they don't know who they're laying next to. I'm very comfortable and secure with my husband." And when asked, in a thinly veiled Tiger Woods reference, what if he 'stepped out' more than once, she simply said "no sweat".

Maybe Mo'Nique gets a pass because of who she is. Perhaps, we hear her comments and think to ourselves "she's so crazy". But what about the non-Hollywood types like a family member or a close friend? Could we handle such a revelation? After all, by and large, the average American is sexually repressed. We have a hard time warming up to ideas that stray from our conventional family values when it comes to sex and marriage. We're quick to judge. If it doesn't synchronize with our sensibilities, somebody's going to get talked about and looked at sideways.

We want everyone else and their relationships to confirm our values and to embrace ~~monotony~~ monogamy because we feel safe that way. We're socialized to believe that to love someone is to never be with anyone else. To this point, Ozzie Davis said the following in regard to the open marriage he shared with Ruby Dee years ago:

"It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it -- that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished -- as long as what we did was honest as well as private."

This is the point. While this type of marital arrangement is not desired by most people, there's a unique understanding and dynamic that exists with couples who choose to this lifestyle. Casting aspersions upon them and acting as the moral police only makes us look small. Just because our own marriages may not be open, doesn't mean that our minds can't be.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and on Facebook.

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Does She Talk Too Much?

Mason Jamal — 2010-02-25T17:02:00+00:00

Filed under: Relationships, Marriage, E-Male Advisor

My wife talks too much. She goes non-stop. I don't even know what she's saying half the time because I tune her out. I try to listen but instead of getting to the point she goes round and round and she loses me. Many of my friends complain about the same thing with their wives and girlfriends. Any thoughts on this?

- Dajuan

Is it that she talks too much or you don't talk enough? Let's be honest about this. Most of us (as in men) would rather whack a hornets' nest repeatedly with our bare hands than hold conversations of any great length with our significant others. Early in relationships, it's different though. We're talkative. We're more expressive. But when the chase is over, so is the conversation in a lot of cases. And with that, the communication in many relationships gets reduced to a bastardized form of sign language or a never ending game of charades.

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It's the great verbal divide between couples. What starts out as a mere crack threatens to become a major fault line that undermines the entire landscape of the relationship. Ever find yourself at a restaurant with your significant other and because the two of you have very little conversation taking place you begin to glance around the room and notice other table interactions or the lack thereof? Invariably, what you discover is, minus the clanging of forks and knives and perhaps some placating of obnoxious kids, others couples are also dining in relative silence. It's a telling commentary on relationships.

But to your point, there is another side to this and possibly just as problematic. Sometimes women really don't know when or how to shut the f%*k up. They seem to go and on about things that appear irrelevant to our existence. In reality, however, there are times when they're actually pressing us about matters that need to be discussed. There are three conversation non-starters that bubble up over and over again: the children, the bills and the state of the union (as in relationship). None of which we want to discuss, ever.

Finding that middle ground where both parties can co-exist is ideal, but tricky. It's a classic case of being careful what you ask for, as the conversation that needs to take place about conversations is the very type of conversation you were trying to avoid in the first place. Damn if you do. damn you don't. Irony is a double-headed behemoth that way.

I do have an idealistic thought, however. What if the communication in relationships - going both ways - reflected the principles and spirit of Twitter? Conversations would no longer feel infinite. The short exchanges would consist of thoughts abridged to 140 characters. Yes, we would count the space between each spoken word, as well as the implied punctuation. It's possibly a win/win. Women get to have the dialogue they want or need and men get the brevity that we so desire. Everybody's happy.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and on Facebook.

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Paula Patton Talks Insecurities, Robin Thicke in Women's Health

Lauren Williams — 2010-02-23T17:47:00+00:00

Filed under: Celebrity Love

'Precious' star Paula Patton, who is expecting a son with her R&B singer husband Robin Thicke in May, has been looking amazing on the red carpet this awards season, baby bump and all, so it's appropriate that she is appearing on the March cover of Women's Health looking fit and fabulous.

Inside the mag, Patton joked about her husband's "super sperm," which she said contributed to getting her pregnant soon after she got off birth control.

"He's so proud of himself," she said. "It's ridiculous."

She also spoke about some of her insecurities and problems other people have had with her biracial identity. But all of those problems melt away when she's with Robin.

"He makes me feel beautiful," she said.

Check out an exclusive behind-the-scenes video of her Women's Health shoot here. The issue is on newsstands now!

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Luv Coach Q&A: Resisting Change

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-22T23:49:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

I am getting married in five months, and I am getting nervous. My fiance and I have communication issues, and I don't have the energy to argue with him anymore. I am afraid that when we finally do get married it isn't going to last because of this deficit we have. The arguing starts when I approach him with an issue or I'm just telling him about my day. He doesn't seem interested at all. His tone is very nasty and his body language is saying just leave me alone. He said he wants it to work, but I don't think he wants to make changes. Every time he gets like this it ticks me off, and he doesn't get it. I am getting frustrated, and I just don't know what to do. My fiance carries a lot of anger inside and he never releases it. We have been together for six years, and I used to let it go, but now I'm tired of it. In addition, I think he cheated on me in this relationship, but there's no concrete evidence. I don't think he did it recently, but I feel he has. Can you give me some advice please?

Chanel

Lack of communication will lead to stress and strife in your relationship if you do not confront it now. Before you put all the blame on him, you need to be aware of how you are approaching him and the tone of voice you use. He may be reacting to the way you say things and not what you are saying. If he is reacting so intensely when you are talking about something as simple as your day, then the issue is not what you are saying but how you are saying it. Change your approach. If you have a problem, let him know that there is something important that you want to talk about with him, and ask him when would be a good time for you two to talk. It's a good idea to sit down once a week and address any issues or problems in the relationship and work together to solve them. You should also be aware that communication breakdown may result in your emotional needs not being met. As individuals we want our partners to listen and understand us. If we are not being heard, we feel disconnected and unloved. As for the cheating, if you do not have any concrete evidence then you will have to ask him to be honest and answer any questions you have pertaining to why you believe he has cheated. If you want to get professional help before you get married, I recommend Hedy and Yumy Schleifer (www.HedyYumi.org), who can teach you about healthy communication and connection in your relationship.

I have been in and out of a relationship with a married man for three years. He has met my family and acts like it is just me and him, as if his family is not in the mix. However when he is not around I am unable to get a hold of him and always have to call his phone using a blocked number. In the midst of this three-year relationship, I started dating an amazing man, but I could not get away from my married man. This new man treated me with love and respect, but I ruined our relationship because I couldn't stop seeing my married man. The married man is now saying that he is going to leave his wife within the next year and he wants to start a life with me. Though he has made comments in the past couple years about being with me, he has never just come right out and said that he is leaving his wife. There is a part of me that is excited but there is a little voice in the back of my head that questions whether he is being honest. The amazing man that I was not faithful to is a very dear friend of mine now, and I realize that I am in love with him. He has told me more than once that he would never be able to open his heart up to me again like he had before. He states that he loves me but that he cannot trust me enough to ever be in a relationship again. However, there are times when we are together that I see how deeply he cares for me. I have strong feelings for both of these men, and I am just so confused.

Hannah

It's time to get your love life straightened out. You need to let go of this married man, because any man that makes you the runner-up is more in love with himself than with you. As for your "amazing man," you had best let him go to, so that he can find a woman who understands what a great guy he is and will love him unconditionally. Love is not a game, and stringing one mans heart along while you're in bed with another is unconscionable. You may believe that it is okay for your married man to do that to you, but it is not okay to invite others into the mix and hurt them the way your married man is hurting you. Let them both go, and get yourself a therapist to deal with all the emotional baggage that has brought you to this place in your life.

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In Love or E-Love: When is Online Dating 'Real Love?'

Shirea L. Carroll — 2010-02-22T15:23:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships

For many, online dating no longer carries the stigma it has in the past. Picking up someone on the 'net is just as, if not more, common than meeting a new boo at the local bar. Whether finding love or finding lust, sites such as eHarmony.com, Match.com and Blackpeoplemeet.com are just a few portals that provide the platform for people to meet and eventually date. Add Twitter, Facebook and all the other sites people are also using to get more than their "social networking" on, and you have an estimated 20 million singles using their MacBooks and PCs to find love, according to OnlineDatingMagazine.com.

While finding a mate online continues to rise in popularity, the concept of love may not be as concrete as it appears. The love rules online are noticeably different than more traditional methods of dating. Knowing the difference between being in love versus e-loving -- a relationship reserved just for the computer -- can be essential to your heart. Considering that 69 percent of the black population is single, is finding love online worth it? Whether already in a online relationship or simply thinking about it, be sure to consider these five areas to find out if you are in a real relationship or just e-lovin'?1. Communication

Online dating can put effective communication into practice more frequently, because people are less likely to be shy behind the protective veil of their computer screens and because they're more interested in finding out about someone they've never seen. Before you fall head over heels with someone over the Internet, beware. The type of communication put in practice when dating online may be a disadvantage later on in the relationship. Conversations are not always natural -- the time allotted for a response when dating online makes it easier to rethink and even rewrite a response, making someone seem a lot more clever and/or thoughtful than they are in real life. Before you crown him or her the "great communicator" have a phone conversation first.

2. Familiarity

People really take the time to present and package themselves online. When you are in love with someone, you fall in love with them at their best and worst, not just with their most recent profile pic. When smitten online, remember that things are not always how they appear. It's natural for people to post pictures that show them at their best, but without seeing someone in person, it becomes hard to gauge things like body language, mannerisms and the other small details that may become deal breakers. When you are in love with a person, you have had the chance to see their many faces not just the best one they want to put forward.

3. Growth

Meeting and dating someone online? Cool. Maintaining the relationship online? Not cool. Keeping a relationship confined to e-mails, texts or AIM stagnates growth and may be a sign that you are not the only person your object of affection is dating. Online dating is meant to be a relationship starter, with a bit more revealed as time goes on. If the relationship stays online, you may be in love, but the other person is definitely just e-loving you. Real love needs more than the satisfaction of turning on the computer.

4. Comfort & Pride

Although everyone understands the popularity of falling in love online, not everyone understand why or how it happens. How comfortable are you with sharing with the public how you met? Don't be ashamed to admit you met in a chat room. Public perception rarely matters when people fall in love through traditional courtship; don't let it matter in your relationship. Taking comfort and pride in how your love came to be should be part of what makes your relationship a joy.

5. Depth

How deep can lovers be online? The deeper you become to each other, the closer you are to being put in the "real love" category. Humans innately have a set of perceptual and interpretive processes that allow us to efficiently identify desirable potential partners. But what happens when we go online and forfeit most of the sensory channels that drive this refined process? The answer is situational. You could try and come up dry. Or online lovebirds could end up getting married like the estimated 120,000 people whose online chats lead them down the aisle last year.

Have you found real love on the Internet?

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Who's Your Daddy? Not Me!

Mason Jamal — 2010-02-18T12:25:00+00:00

Filed under: Sexual Health , Relationships, Sex, E-Male Advisor

We all have issues we wrestle with. Warranted or not, some of us try to charge it to our parents, or some other factor in our childhood. But try as we may, sometimes, we simply can't. There are times when we own the issues outright. The titles are in our names -- no co-signers. Whether it's a fender bender or a full-on emotional car wreck, ultimately we're the ones behind the wheel and we have to take responsibility for our issues and behavior.

I say all that to say -- real talk -- what's up with grown men wanting grown women to call their men "daddy" and, accordingly, what's up with the women who go along with it? This is a psychological doctoral dissertation waiting to happen. For my purposes, the question recently surfaced thanks to Usher's new single, "Hey Daddy", now in heavy rotation.

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The song, itself, I somewhat like, the music and melody at least. If it were only sung in Portuguese or French, with no available translation, I might be okay. But unfortunately, more often than not, lyrics that we can understand tend to cheapen the experience. It's the hazard of popular culture -- shallowness. And this song would be Exhibit A. With words that include the following, it's hard for me not to scratch my head: "you know your daddy's home and it's time to play.... poke it on out, poke it out right there, I'm a fall back while you work that chair ". Something about the reference to "daddy" in a sexual context strikes me, for the lack of a better word, as nasty. And I don't mean that "ooh, you so nasty" type of nasty. I mean that crossing the line type of nasty that makes a woman say "n!gg@ you nasty, get the hell out of my house!"

Maybe it's me. Maybe, I'm the one who doesn't get it, but I just can't warm up to the dirty daddy talk. I understand that in most cases, it's just that - talk or sexual theatre, as it were. However, let's not pretend that all of it is simply lyrical when we know, unfortunately, in some cases, it's literal. Can anyone say "to catch a predator"? See, what women need to know is any man who inquires to "who's your daddy" and he really isn't your daddy should be treated as a yellow traffic light -- proceed with caution.

Personally, I'm just not on that Eve's Bayou sh*t or anything remotely close to it. If Mrs. Jamal was into it, I would have told her I'm going to "ease by you" and keep looking for someone who doesn't have daddy issues. Actually, I presume that most women who enjoy the daddy talk are not really thinking about it in a genealogical type of way. At the same time, you can't help but wonder if there are some latent issues from some of their childhoods that still linger in their sub-conscious minds about an absentee father or something. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. Either way, call me lazy if you want, but I prefer relationships that don't require psycho-analysis.

And, to be sure, this isn't just a black thing. This cuts across cultural lines -- as evidenced by the popular use of the word "papi" among Latinos. But regardless of race or ethnicity, the problem is rooted with the men. A lot of these guys are suffering from what I call daddy envy, or the displaced fatherhood syndrome. Sexually, it plays out in the minds of men without children, particularly those without daughters -- hell, perhaps those without fathers of their own. He wants to feel needed in that paternal type of way so, inexplicably, he begins to see the woman in his bed as a two for one. Then again, it's totally possible that the waters don't run that deep. Maybe some people, men and women, just like the way it sounds. If so, more power to them, I guess.

Men with children, on the other hand, are also capable of going there but far less likely to. Those who are involved in the lives of their children, get more than their fill of daddy requests. As with moms, it can take a toll. The last thing we want to hear after a long day is a woman, caught up in the moment, telling us to "work it daddy"! Yeah, that's not doing it for me.

As for Usher, I'm not sure he knows any better. He's just following in the footsteps of other male artists who've gotten a little reckless with the daddy talk. It was just last year that radio was blaring a song by Twista featuring a young female voice cooing the words "I'm calling you daddy, can you be my daddy, I need a daddy". But don't stop there. Rewind the tape all the way back to 1961 and we find a little known group of dirty old men called Shep and the Limelites performing a well known classic titled "Daddy's Home".

This thing cuts across generational lines as well. And I did my due diligence by checking the lyrics. Shep, indeed, was not singing to his daughter. I'm reminded of the old man who always had a pocket full of candy back in the day and no grown folk for miles trusted him. Usher, on the other hand, is harmless and a bit clueless at times I suspect. Last month, he was on the radio pathetically singing some song called "Papers" as he whined about the circumstances of his divorce and now this. I figured Usher to be a classier than what we've been getting as of late. I guess we're all prone to slip sometimes.

Mason Jamal writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men (and sometimes women). For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. You can also follow him on Twitter @masonsays and on Facebook.

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How to Spice Up Your Dating Life

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-18T11:58:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Luv Coach

The smoke has cleared and laying in the rubble are the carcasses of Valentine's Days past. The relationships that blew up in the face of unmet expectations and lousy gifts lay strewn across the landscape of love. To all the single ladies -- chin up! Spring is around the corner, and that means it's time for 'Menu Dating!'

Tristan Coopersmith and Todd Johnson want to teach you how to Menu Date, 'the practice of dating in small bites, with great abundance, great purpose, and great variety...It is about tasting all that 'like' and 'love' have to offer in an effort to make a solid life-partner decision, rooted in meaningful experiences and subsequent confidence." The menu dating program demands that you date as many men as possible for the practical purpose of learning exactly who will fit perfectly. Likening the experience to trying on a pair of jeans, guys come in different sizes and styles, and what fits one woman may not fit another, so how can you possibly know what is right for you if you don't try them all on? Labeling the opposite sex as mandidates, you no longer approach each new date with the idea that they are the 'one', but rather see them as an opportunity to experience an interesting and new individual who will teach you something new about yourself and about men. In 'Menu Dating' you learn how to scout in every location possible and are taught the skills to attract and approach the cornucopia of men available. You also learn the different mandidate types that you should avoid and the pros and cons of dating them:'The Married Man'
Pros: Forbidden romance can be very steamy; you don't have to be concerned that he may fall for you and want a relationship with you, if you don't want one.
Cons: You will always play second string to his wife; you will be referred to as a 'business associate' to his wife via phone; you will constantly be canceled on; you are 'the other woman'- and other women will hate you for it; you will spend holidays alone for certain.
What you will learn: You don't want to share in that way; no matter how much he charms you, he will never leave his wife for you.
How to get over him: Convince yourself that he is impotent and would have an affair on you, too.

'Menu Dating' will teach you where to find a mandidate, how to break the ice, dress to impress (sassy not slutty), keep your cool, examine each date (not overanalyze), have a one-night stand the right way (if that is what you want), master the booty call, taste test numerous pairs of men, and finally teach you how to pick 'Mr. right, the One, a Keeper, your Forever guy....the Main Course!"
If you are single, I recommend that you run out and grab a copy and get yourself ready for the season of your life. Welcome to spring, 'Menu Dating' ($11.59, amazon.com)!

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Don't Bring Home A White Boy!

Hayat Mohamed — 2010-02-17T16:05:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships

"Men lie. Women lie. Numbers don't."

Hov may have been referring to record sales but I'm referring to the overwhelming statistics facing black women in America: 70% of us are single and 42% have never been married. To make matters worse, the pool of black men to choose from is steadily decreasing as more black men continue to marry outside their race -- 1 in 6 to be exact. So, why are the majority of black women still stuck on the idea of only dating black men when the numbers are clearly not in their favor?

According to Karyn Langhorne Folan, there are a number of reasons, and in her book, "Don't Bring Home a White Boy," she closely examines the deep rooted issues black women have about dating outside their race. The former Harvard Law professor turned author became interested in issues surrounding interracial relationships after she married her Irish American husband in 2004. From slavery to selling out; sexual myths to family reactions -- you name it, and Karyn covers it in an insightful and witty manner.

Black Voices caught up with Karyn to discuss her reason for writing, "Don't Bring Home a White Boy" and how black women can benefit from reading it. You may not walk away thinking, "I need to find me a white boy!" but I guarantee you will walk away with an open mind and an open heart.

BV: What made you write the book?

Right now if every black man and every black woman married each other there would be 1.8 black women left over and we know that's not happening. We know that black men are marrying out; we know that a lot of black men aren't interested in marriage; we know that there are black men and black women -- and certainly people of every race and every gender -- who are gay or mentally unstable, unhealthy or incarcerated who are unavailable for marriage anyway. To me the solution was just obvious. The world is full of men -- America is full of men -- but we [black women] are not seeing ourselves or seeing those other men as possible marriage material nor are we seeing ourselves as women they would be interested in and that's a problem. The book is timely in the sense that I'm almost sick of these stories of single black women who can't find a man. I'm practically screaming every time one comes on like "THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN!!!"

What do you say to women who prefer to date black men over white men because they're more likely to understand them?

Just because you're black, doesn't mean you're the same. There's this idea that all of us that are black share something that we may not share. I am absolutely certain that if you put Michelle Obama and some of these dubious young black women on TV who are competing for the affection of Ray J in the same room they are not going to have anything in common but brown skin; even their skin tones will be varied and different. I'm down with black women and their preferences but the problem with believing black men are more compatible is that we're ignoring the fact that there are class differences within the community. To ask a woman who is an attorney or a journalist and works with words and ideas all day long to be happy and respect a relationship with a man who comes from a different background and who doesn't read what she reads, socializes with who she socializes; that puts a whole lot of tension into a relationship. It's probably one of the reasons why the black divorce rate is so high. This idea that black equals this automatic cultural compatibility and automatic code that we all understand is ludicrous. It's just not true.

Do you feel black men can benefit from reading this book?

I am not here for black men. That is beyond the mission I have been given. Black men can do whatever they want to do. My father was a black man and he was a wonderful father, he was married to my mother until the day he died -- 46 years. He was an excellent role model and I love him. My brother is a black man and I have many black male friends so I am not saying "I hate black men"; that is not where I'm coming from. The mission that I have been given is to talk about black women and too often when we talk about black people we end up talking about black men and we don't talk about black women. We assume somehow that if we talk about black men than the issues of black women are addressed in the same realm and they're really not.

What advice would you give black women interested in attracting men of other races?

Putting yourself in situations where you are most likely to meet men of different backgrounds is definitely a great way to start. If you go to an all black club you're going to meet all black men. If you go to a club that attracts people of all kinds of backgrounds you're going to meet men from all different backgrounds. It's not that you have to hang a sign around your neck saying you're interested in dating outside your race but I do think you have to do the things that women who are really interested in a man really do. You have to smile, you have to bat your eyelashes, you have to cross your legs and lean forward and put a little light touch on the hand and all the little things that you do when you're sending the signal. I think our communication with men from other races is just read as that professional comfort. "I'm used to working with you, I'm used to going to school with you but that's as far as this goes."

What do you want women to walk away with after reading this book'?

I want black women to understand that we have far more options than most of us have ever thought about. Right now is the perfect time to open your heart and reexamine what you've been taught and take a fresh look at how history has been interpreted for you. I feel a lot of people say they're open minded or believe they are open minded and claim that race doesn't matter but in their hearts they harbor some unhealed racial issues. It's typical for black folks in America; there's just so many ways and so many things that still come up for us that emphasize in a lot of ways that we're still second class citizens. Many women have the mentality, "If you ask me I'm going to say interracial dating is okay with me," but in their heart they're thinking "I would rather have a same race partner." Make 2010 the year that you're open minded to a rainbow of men. Mr. Right might be white. He just might, and if he is that's okay.

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Single on Valentine's Day? Pamper Yourself!

Lauren Williams — 2010-02-13T10:28:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating

Conventional wisdom is that Valentine's Day is for couples, but who needs convention? If you're single on Valentine's Day, we at Black Voices think it's a perfect time to show love to the the number one person in your life -- yourself -- and share special times with your other single friends. Click through for some ideas for how to make the most of your single Valentine's Day!

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Self-Love on V-Day

Grab some delicious-smelling products (try Carol's Daughter) and treat yourself to a nice, luxurious bubble bath. Bring along a nice glass of wine and some strawberries or chocolate. It's like a virtually cost-free at-home spa treatment.

Self-Love on V-Day

Don't wallow in your singledom on Valentine's Day -- think about others instead. Take the opportunity to give back to the community by volunteering or doing some charity work. It does wonders for the heart!

Self-Love on V-Day

There's no better way to banish your ex-girl from your mind than to organize a guy's night out with the rest of your single friends. Hit up your favorite spots -- the night is yours.

Self-Love on V-Day

Splurge on some good old fashioned pampering. Book a massage at a spa, or, better yet, have a masseuse come to your place. Maybe one day you'll be getting a his and hers (or a hers and hers or a his and his) massage on Valentine's Day, but for now, enjoy this special treat at half the price.

Self-Love on V-Day

Give yourself a positive gift. Humanity for All sells metallic leather bracelets that are as inspirational as they are fashion forward. Wear one as a constant reminder to be positive, give back and make a difference ($42, www.humanityforall.com).

Self-Love on V-Day

Just because you're single doesn't mean you get a lot of "me" time. You have co-workers. Children. Parents. Siblings. Take some time to yourself. Grab a good book. Buy yourself something pretty, like Teavana's Musee de The Glass Teapot, (34.95, Teavana.com) and brew a soothing cup of tea. And just take the night to yourself. You deserve it!

Self-Love on V-Day

Have a naughty "girl's night in." Gather your lady friends and plan a Passion Party -- a consultant will come to your home and demo and sell a wide array of sensual products. Giggles will abound, but the wallets come out at the end!

Self-Love on V-Day

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The Anti-Valentine's Day Manifesto!

Hayat Mohamed — 2010-02-12T12:12:00+00:00

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm SO over Valentine's Day

I'm hoping you are too

If you're a guy in a relationship, celebrating Valentine's Day is not an option -- it's a requirement. Each year you're forced to top the last and if you disappoint it may be your last. If your girl says she doesn't care about the holiday, guess what? She's LYING!

If you're a girl in a relationship, you spend the weeks prior to V-day trying to predict what your man will do to profess his love for you this year. If he goes all out he's the best thing since sliced bread but let him come up short and you'll find yourself reevaluating how much he supposedly cares because if he really loved you he would have pulled some stunt out of 'Hitch,' right?

If you're single -- like myself -- Valentine's Day simply serves as yet another sad and painful reminder of the fact. And like many, you view February 14th as the commercialized and overly hyped production that it truly is. If I sound bitter, you're right. However, all biases aside there are plenty of people who would agree that the so-called annual 'celebration of love' causes more harm than good and you'll be happy to know it isn't just the "single ladies with their hands up," who feel this way.

Jay Cataldo, relationship expert and author of 'Get Your Girl Back,' is making it his mission to bring an end to Valentine's Day once and for all. Cataldo-who is not single-believes a dangerous emphasis has been placed on V-day as the love odometer of relationships. Cataldo goes even further by claiming that nixing V-Day can actually help strengthen a relationship. Recently he revealed to Black Voices his top reasons why Valentine's Day should be banished.

Single ladies rejoice. Couples take notes. Hallmark be worried.

Reason #1: Men try their hardest to please their woman and get nothing in return

"Men are tired of spending a month's pay on dinner and gifts only to receive a foul attitude because it just wasn't good enough," says Cataldo. Okay that's harsh, but it is safe to say that Valentine's Day is a gender biased holiday. Women can typically expect dinner, expect a card, expect roses and expect a prepared romantic evening. What do guys expect? Sex and a Hallmark card. (And that's if they're lucky)

Reason #2: Valentine's Day simply serves as a competition for women and their girlfriends

Your man manages to get dinner reservations at one of the most sought after restaurants in the city and tickets to a Broadway show. You're on cloud nine the day after until you hear that you're best friend's beau donned her with diamond earrings for V-day. One minute you're thinking "Isn't he the greatest?" and then it's more like, "Why couldn't he do that?" Focusing on what your man doesn't do can have you forgetting what he actually does and measuring your relationship to others is not only dangerous but unhealthy.

Reason #3: Guys are celebrating Valentine's Day because they are scared

Let's face it, some women have a way of threatening insisting that their man do something special for them on Valentine's Day. Most men oblige but not because they want to but because they know you want them to. V-day then, "becomes a song and dance and it doesn't show that he loves you," says Cataldo.

Reason# 4: Women have ridiculous expectations on Valentine's Day

"I say it's time for men to stop giving in to unrealistic expectations and put an end to this nonsense for good," says Cataldo. If you ask me, Hollywood is to blame for this. Romantic comedies always show the leading man going above and beyond to profess his love to his lady leaving us women thinking our man should measure up to this false ideal. The reality is, not every man can be Noah from 'The Notebook,' but some women find it hard to accept this.

Reason# 5: Valentine's Day makes men become completely unromantic in a relationship

"If you're not doing things periodically you're not doing your part," says Cataldo. If you send the message to your man that he better do it big on Valentine's Day, he probably will. However, that may be the only time of the year he'll feel inclined to pull out all the stops. Having your man focused on making you happy one day out the year basically gets him off the hook the other 364 days. He shouldn't need a holiday as an excuse to shower you with love.

Maybe 'killing' Valentine's Day isn't the most realistic approach to improving one's relationship but taking the focus off of the holiday isn't a bad idea. I believe that men and women should take the time to let their significant other know how much they mean to them on a regular basis. That way when Valentine's Day does roll around, it's simply another day that you're reminded of your love for one another-and the date just so happens to be February 14th.

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Easy Sweet Treats for Valentine's Day

Vanessa K. Bush — 2010-02-10T18:35:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships

Roses? Been there, done that. A box of chocolates? Well, okay.

But if you really want to impress your honey this Valentine's holiday, why not make them a gift that truly comes from the heart? A homemade treat, lovingly prepared, can be a wonderful way to express how much that special someone means to you, and will likely cost a lot less than a dozen red roses. Here are a few ideas and recipes to help show some love:

Chocolate-Dipped Fruit: Baker's makes a special chocolate especially for hand-dipping. All you have to do is heat it up in the microwave, then dip whatever fruit (strawberries, dried apricots, pineapple slices, you name it) you like into the melted chocolate. Lay the dipped fruit dry on a cookie sheet covered in wax paper, then slip the tray into the refrigerator until the chocolate is firm.

Red Velvet Cupcakes

This Valentine's Day, borrow a trick from a hot restaurant trend: mini-desserts. Instead of icing, top these treats with a drizzle of melted chocolate to create a decidedly grown-up dessert.

Ingredients

· 3 cups flour

· 2 teaspoons cocoa powder

· 3/4 teaspoon salt

· 3/4 cup butter, room temperature

· 2-1/4 cups sugar

· 1-1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract

· 3 eggs, room temperature

· 2 tablespoons red food coloring

· 1-1/2 cups buttermilk

· 1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda

· 1-1/2 teaspoons vinegar

· 1 package Baker's Chocolate Dipping Sauce

Cooking Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In medium bowl, whisk together flour, cocoa powder and salt; set aside.

In large mixing bowl, beat butter on medium speed for 30 seconds. Add sugar and vanilla and beat until combined.

Add eggs one at a time, beating on medium after each egg.

Add food coloring and beat on low until mixed thoroughly.

Alternate flour mixture and buttermilk to egg mixture; beat on medium-low after each until combined.

Mix baking soda and vinegar in a separate small bowl. Add mixture to the batter; beat until combined.

Fill cupcake liners 1/2 to 3/4 full. Bake for 10-15 minutes; remove from oven and let cool.

While cupcakes are baking, melt dipping sauce according to package directions.

Drizzle melted sauce over cupcakes; serve immediately.

Preparation Time: 15 minutes

Cooking Time: 15 minutes

Ready In:

30 minutes

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Sweep Her Off Her Feet...With Food

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-10T17:29:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

Love is in the air, and if you haven't made plans to sweep her off her feet, you better get cooking -- and I mean cooking! To all the men who complain that Valentine's day is just a hallmark holiday; to those who can't afford to splurge on an evening out, to those who don't believe in showing love with gifts, and to the ones who just hate sitting next to other cookie cutter couples in a crowded restaurant on a day that is supposed to celebrate your unique love, Eric S. Lee has the answer. Lee is a Colorado restauranteur and author of 'Sweeping Her Off Her Feet With Food: The Ultimate Guide to Romance and Seduction in the Kitchen.'

Chef Lee wants you to take a new approach to this very special day by giving you a step-by-step guide to romance and seduction in the kitchen. How would you like to make your love, grilled salmon with fresh mango salsa, or blackened catfish smothered in etouffee? How would she feel if you whipped up baked brie en croute with sliced apples and baguettes, or chicken sheldon topped with shrimp and a brandy shallot butter sauce? What do you think she will want to do after she takes a bite of triple chocolate cake or apple crisp with vanilla ice cream?

Don't be intimidated by the names, these recipes are delicious and simple to prepare. The key to any woman's heart is to make her feel special and that she is the only woman for you. In order to do that you have to set the stage for romance.

Step 1: Pick a Menu that you know she will love. My favorite is the Beef Tenderloin with Bordelaise sauce, Shrimp & Red Pepper Aioli Crostini, Traditional Caesar Salad, and Triple Chocolate Cake with Vanilla Ice cream. Paired with a Cabernet Sauvignon, I am putty in his hands.

Step 2: Send her flowers or chocolate with a note, inviting her to an intimate dinner at home.

Step 3: Prepare your menu, set the table with candles and pick the perfect romantic tunes to set the mood.

Step 4: When she arrives home, leave a trail of rose petals leading her to a bubble bath where you have champagne on ice and bite size appetizers waiting. Feed her and massage her while she soaks and releases the stresses of the day.

Step 5: Lay out a beautiful dress on the bed and tell her to meet you in the dining room.

Step 6: Pop open the wine, light the candles and serve her a dinner made with love and appreciation.

The sensations you experience when you savor delicious food intensifies the feelings you have for each other, and the act of preparing it is an intimate affair. If you want to sweep her off her feet, then take Eric's advice and "Take the time to make one romantic meal a month minimum and your love will change guaranteed."

Chef Eric Lee's Special Valentine's Day E-book edition is available through Feb. 12!

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Damien & Seanmichael: An Untold Black Love Story

Darian Aaron — 2010-02-10T16:43:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Weddings

"Of course it was Damien's idea to get married, but it was me that took him to Tiffany. He picked a ring, and I got on one knee and asked him to marry me." -Seanmichael

When it comes to black love, the traditional union of a man and a woman is the model to be revered. Yet, there is a segment of the black population whose love is rarely acknowledged within the broader community, but it exists nonetheless.

Seanmichael Rodgers and Damien Ramsey, a couple residing in New York City and engaged to be married this spring, is an example of the love that challenges "traditional" models.

Seanmichael and Damien have been in a committed relationship for three years. Their commitment will ultimately lead them down the aisle in March. Over the past three years, there have been several Valentine's Day memories with each one competing to top the last.

While Seanmichael's plan to celebrate the holiday with his future husband remains a secret, he did reveal that it includes "100 candles, 10 wishes, 10 promises, 10 memories and 10 reasons."

The couple make it a priority to celebrate their love throughout the year and not just on Valentine's Day. Their weekly date night on Tuesdays gives each an opportunity to escape the stress of work and focus on nurturing their relationship.

Seanmichael is a producer and vocal coach, and Damien is a singer-songwriter known as Dy'Ari (pronounced diary).

"It's like falling in love again every week," says Damien, "sometimes for the same reasons and sometimes for new ones. We take these days seriously, because it allows us the time to stay fresh and revisit one another and the reasons why we love each other the way that we do."

Those reasons were made perfectly clear during Seanmichael's traditional "down-on-one-knee" proposal, along with an ageless silver ring with diamonds inscribed with roman numerals from Tiffany.

"I am in love with you for many reasons. For the rhythms that only our two hearts can beat, for the strengths you show in my weaknesses, for the passion that burns every time you kiss me, and for the joy you give me every day. I want to give you the depth and the shallow of me with all transparency. I want to love you through this eternity into the next."

It's been said that black men loving each other is a revolutionary act, given the pervasive homophobia that exists in American culture and the black community . The fear of losing the support of family and friends, a vital element to the success of black unions can become a major hindrance for a black same-gender loving couple. But even with support of family and friends, there's still no guarantee of a successful relationship when both partners are of the same sex.

Despite these obstacles Seanmichael and Damien's love triumphs because love always outweighs fear and equality will always defeat injustice.

"Will you marry me"? asked Seanmichael.

"Yes"! "A million times," replied Damien.

Darian Aaron is the creator and editor of Living Out Loud with Darian (www.loldarian.com), one of the leading online blogs for the African American gay and lesbian community.

Follow Seanmichael & Damien's journey toward their special day at www.omghesaidyes.com

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Real Love: Valentine's Day Man on the Street

Black Voices Moderator — 2010-02-10T16:11:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, Marriage

Whether they think it's overrated or they're hopeless romantics who wait all year for February 14th to roll around, most people have pretty strong opinions about Valentine's Day. And no one expresses their opinions quite like New Yorkers. That's why Black Voices took to the streets of New York City to poll some men and women about their thoughts on the matter.

Watch our exclusive video to see what people had to say about the necessity of the holiday and the best Valentine's Day gifts they've ever received.

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Valentine's Day: My Two Cents

Mason Jamal — 2010-02-10T14:03:00+00:00

Filed under: Dating, Relationships, E-Male Advisor

If you watch any television whatsoever, in the last few weeks, you've seen the commercial for the upcoming film Valentine's Day which opens this weekend to a sea of white women crushing on the idea of starry-eyed love. It's not that black women don't harbor the same sentimental longing for a love unlimited, but from what I glean only the who's who of white Hollywood (and the ambiguous Jessica Alba) are depicted as googly eyed love birds. If it helps, however, Jamie Foxx plays a comedic news correspondent of color that gets to report on the anglo-geneous love that springs eternal around him.

(you can follow Mason Jamal on Twitter @masonsays)

Granted, black people don't look to Hollywood for accurate or meaningful reflections of our lives and certainly not our love. But a movie about Valentine's Day that's so blatantly absent of color does make for some good head scratching. So in a search of perspective on Valentine's Day, as it pertains to black people, I went trolling the web . And what I found was amazingly lame. After entering a flurry of different keywords, my search produced a freakin' press release. That's it. A press release.

Somewhat dismayed, I decided I might as well delve deeper into my finding, the press release. Blackpeoplemeet.com , which has emerged to be the online dating go-to site for many African American singles, recently polled 1,700 of their members on their feelings about the "romantic holiday". When posed the question of "Valentine's Day is a reason to...", the breakdown went something like this:

-- 63 percent -- Go about my normal routine
-- 15 percent -- Get a date, any date
-- 12 percent -- Indulge in my favorite vice
-- 5 percent -- Hide in a concrete bunker
-- 4 percent -- Work overtime

In addition, their poll found that single black men are more than twice as likely as women to see Valentine's Day as a reason to go on a date. "It looks like Valentine's Day is a case where perception is not reality, at least for single Black folks," said Ron Worthy, Executive Director of BlackPeopleMeet.com. "Still, it's telling that black men are out there looking for love at twice the rate of black women."

That actually makes sense. I'm painting with a broad brush, but there are many single men, who are simply on the make and see the day as one that is less about expressing valentines and more about exploiting vulnerabilities. Ladies, be leery. And this concludes the Steve Harvey portion of the program. Single women, on the other hand, are simply trying to resist the act of going postal and shooting teddy bears in the face that belong to female co-workers who ooh and ahh over the obligatory flowers and gifts they receive from their significant others. It's a real show. We've all seen it.

And therein lies the problem. The success of Valentine's Day, both commercially and emotionally, hinges on the need for women to feel validated and valued, chosen and cherished. It's a bit of a con that a lot of women aren't falling for. For others, it's the ultimate chick flick, except for it being real and unscripted. And, unlike the movie Valentine's Day, it's as diverse as it can be diluted at times. The trick is making the next 364 days just as, if not more, important and meaningful than the 14th of February. That's my two cents.

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A Super Bowl Recipe for Both Sexes!

Rebecca Brody — 2010-02-04T23:06:00+00:00

Filed under: Luv Coach

It's that time of the year, when men get together to scream and shout at the TV, while gorging themselves on chicken wings and fattening their beer guts. Sounds sexy doesn't it? Well it can be, if your as creative as the newly engaged Ms. Christie from New York, who decided to add a feminine touch to a day that has always been male dominated. The new party of the year is (drum roll please)... Super Bowl Engagement Party!

To all the women who don't know which teams are playing in the big game and to those who don't really care, there is a new way to make this day fun for everyone. Men love to watch other men run, throw, tackle, dodge and score, while women love to watch other women open gifts, compliment sparkly rings, plan weddings and score the love of their life. Why not combine the two best days of the year into one glorious fiesta?

I have a feeling women are already convinced, so let me appeal to the men out there. Imagine you show up at a Super Bowl party and instead of just chips and dip and a keg of beer, you find crab puff pastries and prosecco with raspberries. While you lounge on the couch in front of the big game, popping chocolate covered strawberries into your mouth, your lady love is holding court and enjoying being the center of attention. Half-time is no longer just a bathroom break, but a time to play games, score fun prizes, and celebrate the bride and groom to be. For a special treat that everyone will enjoy, try Russian Gummy shots:

2 bags of gummy bears (regular, not sour)
1 bottle of vodka
Shot glasses

Mix ingredients in a bowl, cover and let sit overnight. Spoon the inflated bears into shot glasses and serve as a yummy, gummy treat to toast your nuptials and celebrate your win! Here's to you, Ms. Christie, for realizing that being a partner means creating an experience that will be great for both you and your love. Happy Super Bowl Engagement Party!

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