I've been a husband for six years. I've been a father for 18. Do the math. That's negative 12. Who needs an abacus? I belong to a generation of parents who, in financial speak, are upside down. If our children were mortgages, we would be one nation underwater. Wait a minute, we are. Shucks.

From foreplay to foreclosure, we keep getting screwed. Blame it on the burst of the housing bubble or blame it on the burst of the condom bubble. Either way, things don't always unfold the way we hoped.

Ideally, love and marriage should come before baby and carriage just as incontrovertible evidence should have come before Bombs Over Baghdad. Then again, Bush and Dick always had a mind of their own anyway.

Even though I'm no longer an unwed single parent, I'm not married to my son's biological mother. And now that "blackman" (as my wife and I affectionately call him) is weeks away from high school graduation, I have some words of wisdom to share with other parents who aren't married to the mother or father of their child(ren).

Relationships often play out with two sets of rules: his and hers. Nowhere do double standards flourish more than when it comes to issues of weight. Men want their girlfriends and wives to stay in shape. While it may or may not always work out that way, we certainly find ways to make our feelings known: "Babe, you sure you want to eat that deep-fried doughnut?" After all, there is only so much cushion for the pushin' a man needs.

But turn the tables, and you find that most men roll differently. And when I say "roll," I mean actually rolling up on the drive-thru and, two heartbeats away from cardiac arrest, we'll bark out our order: "I'd like my double standard with cheese please."

Indulge me as I speak from my own personal experience because, you know, that's something I never do.

Earlier this week, when I decided to entertain the topic of how married men process the fact a close friend is getting divorced, I thought of several films I've seen over the years featuring orphans. Stay with me.

Have you ever watched an orphan movie? And I don't mean the time you acted as a benevolent soul and took home that straight-to-video joint starring Vivica Fox and Eddie Winslow from 'Family Matters.' You remember. The one that no one else was willing to take a chance on and upon wasting one hour and 42 minutes of your weekend, you didn't know whether to pat yourself on the back for blindly supporting black cinema or smack yourself in the face.

Granted, it was charitable of you and your family to take home an unwanted movie, but that's a different type of orphan movie, one abandoned by the studio system and the public. I'm referring to real orphan movies with the cliche villainous nuns, bloody British accents, the whole nine. But it's another cliche also found in all orphan movies that's applicable to the subject of men, friends and divorce.

Jesus walks. Kanye talks. Everyone has a thing. A cross to bear, some tweets to share. Something. One must know his or her role and play it like they are "taking their talents to South Beach". Love it, hate it or misunderstand it, that's how 'Ye brings the heat. This week was no different, as the rapper/producer took to Twitter to unleash his latest grievance.

Excerpt:
"an abortion can cost a ballin' n**ga up to 50gs maybe a 100. Gold diggin' bi**hes be getting pregnant on purpose. #STRAPUP my n**gas!"

One hundred and thirty-three characters of venom with 7 left to spare. Never have Maybach chasers been 'put on blast' so efficiently. Recognize Twitter greatness when you see it...

Twelve months ago, it happened again. Regrettably, the story is a familiar one. An older man, balding and wealthy, began lavishing a younger woman with cash and gifts. As sure as she was stunning, he was horny. And there he salivated, only an arm length's away from a Pez dispenser of magic blue pills.

That said, this arrangement - excuse me, "non-arrangement" - was merely a platonic friendship, according to the man that no one believes. Justice system, meet Silvio Berlusconi, Italy's Prime Minister. The two of you will be getting to know each other over the next few months.

The young woman in question, now a whopping 18, is Karima el-Mahroug. As you can see in the photo above, she resembles a Moroccan Tracey Edmonds. One catch, though: the black Tracey Edmonds wasn't being wined, dined, and intertwined at the age of 17 by a world leader.

Karima, though, young and susceptible, finds herself at the center of a sex scandal that is shaking this southern European country. She's been dubbed "Ruby the Heart Stealer". The proper forensic translation: "Ruby the Teenager".

This leads me to a bigger question: What's up with men chasing underage girls? Fetishes abound; I get that. There are men who will hand over a piece of change for something strange. But having sex, even thinking about having sex, with a minor a half a mile north of puberty doesn't rank very high on the checklist of things men should do before they die.

I've always been partly amused, partly aghast by a man who allows his significant other to dictate which of his friends are socially suitable to hang out with. It's becoming more and more common. What is happening to men? Granted, we've come a long way since the days when male chauvinism was the rule and women were expected to be docile housewives.

Women wear pants now - both literally and metaphorically - as they should. But does this mean that men should be sporting form-fitting pencil skirts? I'm not saying that men have to wear THE pants in a relationship, but I do feel strongly that they should wear A PAIR of pants in the relationship - again, both literally and metaphorically.

Blame Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. They started this. And I'm not talking about wack pop music; that actually predates them. What I'm talking about is the entertainment equivalent of a migraine -- housewife reality television co-starring comically emasculated men schlepping behind their significant others. Watching this stuff makes my head feel like it's going to explode. And thank you, too, MTV, for being the first network to green-light the end of quality television as we knew it.

Rebecca Brody and Mason Jamal are back with advice for another Black Voices reader. This time they chop up the issue of pornography and relationships. Should women think twice about watching porn with their significant others? Does it hurt a couple's sex life or help? Watch as Brody and Mason explore the pros and cons of pornography.

Is it okay to get so comfortable in your relationship that you stop putting forth an effort to maintain your physical appearance? On this episode of the 'The Ring,' Rebecca Brody and Mason Jamal lace up and square off over how much importance should be placed on preserving the sexy for your significant other. Watch -- and then weigh in!

The theory of supply and demand is arguably the most fundamental tenet of the free market. Understand how it works and you understand three-quarters of America's woes, like the proliferation of reality television, the unnecessary gluttonous absurdity of Taco Bell and KFC one-stops, and the exponential growth of ringtone purchases by grown-ass adults who should know better.

It even plays out in the marketplace of ideas and opinion. This is where women, in particular, get tripped up on the supply and demand of relationship advice. When men loudly inquire "what the hell are you listening to her for," it's not just a crude knee-jerk response. It comes from our innate understanding that women, although inadvertently in most cases, tend to give each other bad advice. We know this. Yet women demand it from their girlfriends, who are all too happy to supply it. It's an irrepressible instinct that women share. For reasons that are more perplexing than Beyonce's overproduced choreography, women seem to think their girlfriends are uniquely qualified to provide sound advice on affairs of the heart. They're not.

Let me offer a few reasons to why you might want to check in with a sensible male friend that you trust or a professional instead.