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I've tried and tried, but I can't leave him. I'm also bitter about giving so much and getting nothing in return, so why am I still in love with him and why can't I let go? I am so scared of walking away. It physically hurts!
-Monique
It sounds like you're dealing with a Toxic Man. According to Lillian Glass, the author of Toxic Men, there are three conditions that define a "Toxic Man". He is any man who:
1. Elicits negative emotions from you
2. Behaves badly towards you or doesn't treat you right
3. Makes you feel poorly about yourself, thereby affecting your behavior and your self-esteem
This man physically makes you ill, fearful, and bitter. He is toxic, and he undermines your life, emotions, and self-worth. He is damaging you in extremely unhealthy ways, and you have allowed him to trap you in a dead beat relationship.
Of the many types of toxic men, it sounds like he is the angry, bullying, control freak who abuses you when he doesn't get what he wants, and scares you so you don't walk away. This toxic man is all about controlling you by telling you what to do and how to do it. His behavior negatively affects you in a physical way, having a direct impact on your demeanor and appearance, so that you don't even recognize the woman you see in the mirror.
As you are probably well aware, you need to let go of this toxic man, find your empowered self, and start anew. He is doing nothing but bringing you down. If you feel you can't walk away just yet, then try the mirror technique, suggested in Toxic Men. The next time he yells, yell back. If he uses a gruff tone, use a gruff tone back at him. If he invades your space or scowls at you, mirror his actions and do it right back. You will be surprised to see his reaction when he realizes you are calling him out on his aggressive, bullying, toxic behavior.
The truth is, the only thing keeping you with this toxic man is you, and you have the power to walk away. Turn to friends and family for the love and support you will need as you make this step. No one is worth losing yourself and living a miserable life with, so throw out a life preserver and save yourself.
Follow Coach Brody on Twitter @LuvCoach
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.
Comments: (5)
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By: shakeya on 3/31/2011 10:39AM
i can speak from experience! i was in a situation like that. and how i got out of it.... i was just able to look within myself and became strong enough to know this isn't right and finally moved on with my life..
but since i was so addicted to him i had to slowly come off the drug(being him).. which meant as time went on i would see him less and avoid him so i wudnt be caught up
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By: Kimberly on 4/26/2011 11:04PM
I think one of the most important things is to have confidence that you will find someone who will treat you right, you must gain that confidence and pull free of this person so that you can work on becoming a stronger person for yourself.
You need someone who is going to give back what you put into the relationship. Though it will not be easy you have to think about how much love you deserve and that there is someone out there who will treat your right. I was fortunate to have a grandmother to instill in me at an early age to be confident in myself and that to be treated by a man is never acceptable and today I refuse t let a man use me or pull me down that i cannot leave him and I am stronger today because of her inspiration of who I am and what i deserve.
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By: Angel on 5/30/2011 11:48AM
I am in somewhat the same situation but the difference is a child is involved and I am older. He started relationship on a lie and by the time I found out, I was pregnant. Life with us changed when I found out he was married. He became verbally abusive and very disrepectfull. I want to walk about but here I am almost 50 years old with a 5 year old child. What do I do and how to do it?
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By: JoAnne Williams on 6/03/2011 11:11AM
You should read my book..ESCAPING FROM THE VICTIM OR VOLUNTEER ROLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. check out my website there are a few articles on there...GOOD LUCK!
WEBSITE: www.escapingvvrole.com
AMAZON/BARNES AND NOBLE
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By: JoAnne Williams on 6/03/2011 11:11AM
You Can’t hold on! And Let go to! of Your Failing, unhappy,worthless relationship
By: JoAnne Williams
If you all of a sudden woke up one day and discovered that you have been in a worthless or unhappy relationship for an extended period of time, you should begin to prepare yourself for exiting that relationship. Sometimes we allow that deep emotion of LOVE that we feel; to keep us clinging onto and remaining in, bad relationships. One should never love too deeply to the point where you accept bad behavior from your significant other for an indefinite period of time. More often than not, we don’t equip ourselves with the necessary tools that will assist us when we have decided to exit out of a worthless/unhappy/failing relationship. Know that the emotion of love does not mean that you should allow yourself to be held captive in a relationship that you are so desperately trying to escape from. Know that you can still be in love with your significant other even though you have made the decision to exit out of the relationship.
Also know that being alone and uncommitted, is not the worst possible place you can be. Know that there is somebody else out there who will love you and respect you for who you are. Know that you DO have the capability of surviving in the world without being attached to someone who brings constant emotional turmoil to your life. Learn how to master the skills of being able to close the door on a worthless, failing, or unhappy relationship without looking back. Learn how to say NO to that revolving door of misery. If you are in a worthless or unhappy relationship; and you are looking for an exit out of that worthless/unhappy relationship, just convince yourself with every fiber of your being that this is not where you should be. And then start executing the actions towards your ESCAPE!
JoAnne Williams- Author: ESCAPING FROM THE VICTIM OR VOLUNTEER ROLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. website: www.escapingvvrole.com
AMAZON/BARNES AND NOBLES/BOOKSAMILLION
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