What am I talking about? Glad you asked.
In recent news, a 400-pound Florida woman attacked her roommate after discovering that this roommate demolished her Thin Mints; another slightly smaller woman in a Chicopee, Mass., Denny's walloped the heck out of someone when asked to borrow the syrup off her table. She replied with, "B*tch, your pancakes look fine to me," and all hell literally broke loose.
Look, I like Thin Mints; sign me up for a few boxes. And while I prefer IHOP, I, too, have had a couple tasty treats from random Denny's restaurants across America, but in the words of every 'Grey's Anatomy' character: "Seriously? I mean... SERIOUSLY." Are these chicks kidding? I cannot fathom for even a second why snapping like a slap bracelet seemed like a positive choice in either of these incidents.
Here's what happens when things don't go according to the regularly scheduled programming of planet earth and life - oh wait, things hardly ever go according to plan! People literally make a habit of coming up with plans B, C, D and all the way down to Z, then start back at the top with plan AA, BB, CC and so on, because that's how life goes. If we all walked around slapping each other because we wanted that last slice of pizza, could you imagine what war would be like?
Don't answer that. We sorta already know.
But women have long been the victims of suffering in silence. We take on problems, our own and others', and completely suck it in. Sure, we're emotional, but the parts you see aren't even the half of it. They aren't the frustrations that are constantly screaming in our heads; not the tears that trail from our hearts in the shower, down the drain like we sometimes feel our lives are headed. We just emote so damn much; it's bound to overflow at some point, and please, don't be that triggering force. You think it's bad when you catch us on the first day of our period? Ha. Ha. And one more for good measure, ha.
But have no fear, B to the rescue. Here are a few tips that can help you check yourself out of a sticky, snap-worthy situation before you get your butt checked into a straitjacket... or find yourself chasing your roommate with a pair of scissors as your husband looks on in horror, wondering why he married you (and why you have roommates at this stage in the game, but whatever).
1. DEEP BREATHING
Hey, I know Lamaze seems ridiculous and while it doesn't take away the pain of a giant head ripping its way through your nether regions, it takes the focus elsewhere, slightly alleviating the pain of the matter. Deep breathing really does work, and yoga does wonders for the stress levels.
Of course, I get a bit pissed when I can't hold my bow position like I did in previous classes, but hey, baby steps, right? The point is, deep breathing-based workouts can serenely separate you from issues and problems of the day. When you find yourself in sticky situations, take a few deep breaths before reacting. It really works. Give it a puff. Can't possibly hurt to breathe more.
Everyone remembers that 'Family Matters' episode when Uncle Carl has high blood pressure and is told by his doctor to calm down. Enter Steve Urkel, the Winslows' most stress-inducing family friend. Instead of raising his pressure by bugging out, Uncle Carl starts chanting, "3, 2, 1... 1, 2, 3... what the heck is bothering me?" And it works! Until the last scene, at least. If Uncle Carl had lost it and killed Steve, 'Family Matters' would have had no antagonist and would've sucked. See? Counting saves lives... and television programming.
3. LOTS OF SEX
It wouldn't be a Blackie article if I didn't figure out how to squeeze sex in there. I suppose you could find other hobbies. You could knit or sew or read, but I wouldn't want a crazy person walking around with knitting needles in their bag. Those are walking shanks! But if you have tons of stress-reducing sex, you'll probably be a much calmer person, thus not flying off the handle so quickly.
For example, in days leading up to games, football players are instructed by their coaches to abstain because it makes them antsy, stressed out and in a bad mood. Therefore, they are much more likely to kill on the field. Could you imagine if they'd all gotten some the night before? That only works in calming sports... like golf. Tiger Woods was amazing when he was binking every 18 seconds. I'm serious. I've dated enough football players to know, too.
To end this thing on a slightly more serious note, here's something I found that sounds way more smarter:
*Avoid the stresser: Stay away from people and situations that stress you out.
*Alter the stresser: Change how you react to said situations by communicating instead of lashing out.
*Adapt to the stresser: You may not be able to change others, but you can change yourself. Get used to those people by continually thinking positively.
*Accept the stresser: Learn the serenity prayer and accept the things you simply cannot change. Life has stress, so you might as well accept it and move on.
And when all else fails, go ahead and get on your knees and pray. Lord knows some souls have been saved when they took a little time to ask Jesus what he would do in the situation.
What do you do when you feel like you're about to snap?? Tell us!