Luv Coach Q&A: Can I Really 'Train' My Man?

I met a guy a year ago in college and we instantly became friends, although he wanted more. I wasn't ready to move on from my last relationship, but he didn't care. In his words, he loved me. After about six months I "gave in" realizing I really liked him. We've been in a relationship for five months now and this is the only relationship he's ever been in. I, on the other hand was in a five year relationship prior. I seem to expect more from him as far as "showing me love" and confronted him about this before. He says it's because he's never been in a relationship before and that he's clueless on how to be, but I think that it's common sense when it comes to making someone else happy. Are some guys really that clueless and don't know how to consider someone's feelings other than their own, or is he just not ready to be in a relationship? Sometimes I feel like I need to let him go to get him to realize I am special, and to make him want to do more thoughtful things for me. Keep in mind, that I don't expect much. For example, when I stay at his house, I wish he would offer me a drink or make me breakfast since we're at his house. Hospitality, manners, and consideration are the main things I want, but they don't seem easy for him. Without trying to "change him," what should I do?
-Jeni

Train him! It's obvious he is a novice, and just as you had to be potty trained to use a toilet, this boy needs to be love trained to know how you want to be loved. At the inception of any new relationship, couples have to learn how to fulfill each others needs, wants, and desires, but this can't be done without clear communication. What we forget to utilize though, is our physical communication. You don't know what he likes or dislikes until he tells you, or physically gives you a sign--a contorted face and spitting out of food sends the message that something is rotten. You have unreasonable expectations, because you are asking someone who hasn't learnt how to crawl to go run a marathon. Cut him some slack and recognize that this is a great opportunity to get exactly what you need in a relationship. It will take time, patience, creativity, and the use of both verbal and physical communication, but the rewards will be great.

First, understand that training is not a bad word. As human beings we are trained to function in the world everyday. If you hold your arm out in the street in NYC, a cab driver will pull over to pick you up. You've been trained to hail, and the cab driver has been trained to recognize that physical cue and responds by pulling over. Embrace training. Second, training is not bossing. Don't boss your man around, and make sure to release any feelings of superiority you may have surrounding his lack of experience in relationships. Approach him as if he is an inexperienced swimmer who needs to be taught the butterfly.

You need to lead him through the approximations of expressing love the way you want it. Essentially, be specific and tell him your needs using baby steps. When you walk through the door of his home, tell him "I'm really thirsty. Can you grab me a glass of water please?" When he brings it back, give him a kiss or a hug and say "Thank you. You are the best". This is positive reinforcement for the action you want him to do. Do this over and over until he is trained, and automatically starts offering or just bringing you a glass each time you come in the door. Positive reinforcement is a great tool to establish a behavior and make it stick. Ask for what you want and when he does it, give him a treat. Kind words of praise, a kiss or hug, his favorite food, or if he does something big, get him a gift. Whether you want a massage, breakfast in bed, cuddles, or chicken soup when your sick, apply the use of positive reinforcement to every behavior you want from him. His mind will link the action he does to the reward he receives and he will automatically take pleasure in doing these things for you.

If you find that he isn't doing something you want, don't get angry or upset. In fact don't have any reaction to a behavior you don't like. Punishment doesn't work in relationships so huffing and puffing, or giving the silent treatment are ineffective ways to communicate what you want. Instead remain emotionless, and then keep your eyes peeled for behavior you do like and reinforce it.

You have the chance to help this young man grow into a loving, giving partner. Just as you were trained to kiss your mother when she looked you in the eye, puckered up and said "kiss, kiss", he too can be trained to be an exceptional lover.

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Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.