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-Yvonne
It takes to two to make a baby and a village to raise one, but it seems like both you and your husband are choosing to act as single parents, and it's disconnecting your relationship. You claim you want a baby, but haven't worked through your feelings of resentment for your stepson, or acquired the instincts to help raise him. You may believe that your maternal instincts will automatically kick in with your own child, but your husband is only witnessing how you treat his son. What kind of message do you think you are sending him about the type of mother you will be, if you haven't done the work to accept his son?
Your husband and stepson are aware of your resentment, and since you don't take an active role in raising him, the bond between stepmom and stepson hasn't been established. When you married your husband you accepted that he had a son and chose to take on the role as a parent. You should be a part of the process of raising him. Let your husband know that you want to be included in how you two choose to raise him and that decisions should be made as a couple.
Sex is a very important component to a healthy relationship, and you need to really communicate with your husband to find out why he is choosing to withhold. The pressure to have a baby may be the turnoff, since you're looking at your husband as a 'baby maker' instead of focusing on the pleasures of sexual connection. This can cause stress and pressure on the relationship and can drive him to avoid sex. For the moment, take the baby talk off the table. It's time to approach sex as a means to reconnect physically and emotionally with each other.
Before you can bring a child into a family, you want to make sure that it is a stable and loving household. You can't be concerned with having a baby without taking into account how it is going to effect the other members of the family. What do you need to do in order to prepare your stepson for a new brother or sister? How do you make sure that both children will get the love and attention they need? Are you financially ready to take on this type of responsibility? When the time comes to begin trying, these are the types of questions you should be discussing with your husband. Once you have rekindled some of your emotional intimacy and created a loving home life for your stepson, then broach the subject of bringing another child into your lives.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.
Comments: (9)
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By: Lois on 1/26/2011 7:09PM
He is just not that into you.
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By: Caregiver 1 on 1/26/2011 9:57PM
To the letter writer, Yvonne, it is apparent to this observer that your focus is completely on you and what you want. Ms. Brody is quite correct in her assessment that you see your husband only as a means to have a baby. And since he has obviously the full responsibility of his current son, he feels no sense of urgency to handcuff himself again. It is reasonable to believe that the "stepson's" coming to live with you is the result of a constant battle with the child's mother that was best handled by the son coming to live with his father's family. There has been 15 years for your husband to endure the pressures and harassment of a female that believes she knows best for everyone around her. Now you are proving yourself to be a female that seems locked in on ignoring any needs or concerns that are not her own. You have some twisted belief that a baby will complete the picture in your head and that all will be right with your world. The trouble is that you are blinded to the need to have a nurturing environment with both parents equally engaged in the process. Your husband is rightfully unwilling to allow you to dictate to him how he should feel and respond to his child. He may also feel that you would promote and expect a preferential treatment to the child that you would produce. Chances are that your husband now sees beneath the veneers of the representative you initially showed to him and that he asked to be his wife. I have long felt that the only reason to be married in the 21st century is to give the fathers last name to the children as many of the other expectations of a marriage are usually unfulfilled. It sounds like you have a version of this belief in that you only want to be married to produce dependents at the time of your choosing.
If possible, reassess your reasons to be this man's wife and if most of the reasons begin with "I want", or "I need", or "I get" then you should probably consider leaving this relationship as this man does not need another estranged relationship with someone known as his "babies mother". It would also be wise to relearn what love is, because if you are exhibiting "immense" love for your husband, you are missing the meaning of love. What would you do if your husband had a low sperm count and could not get you pregnant. If you loved him, that could probably be worked out. But the way that you think, you would say he failed you. Just like you are now. Lastly stop lying to yourself and those around you. You don't miss the recreational sex with your husband, you miss procreational sex with your husband. There is a big difference. Maybe you will learn the difference someday, better yet, take your representative and leave a good man alone. Peace
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By: Brenda on 2/20/2011 2:47PM
How did you know the teenager was 15?
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By: shelia on 1/27/2011 12:56AM
I'm sure that you looked at the relationship with your husband and his son and thought that he is a good father and you would like to have a child of your own with him. Wrong. Some men treat their children different based on the childs home life. Apparently his son could not live with his mother for one reason or another, which made your husband both mother and father to him. Your husband probably looked for a mate to help raise his son and if all goes well, the two of you would have children of your own. Here is were you missed the boat. You are not helping your husband raise his son at all. As a matter of fact, you resent his son and he can see this very clear. He is not having sex with you out of FEAR that you will get pregnant. You need to get right before your husband goes out looking for your replacemnt with a woman that will not resent his son. You are very selfish to have put such thoughts into words and I wonder what more could you want. You say that his son is respectful. Well that alone gets 10 point from me. At his age, respect is the last thing on a 15 year olds mind. So here's my advice, get over yourself and soon because what you don't do, your sister will.
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By: "DimePiece" on 1/27/2011 10:18AM
I feel, Yvonne's Husband should include Yvonne in his sons life more, and be more intimate with her so that she can have a baby with him, BE A MAN, and BE HONEST! Somethin doesn't seem right? That's a LONG AZZ TIME to go without making love with your Husband? It makes you wonder if he really wanted to get married to Yvonne in the first place, he is just sattisfied with just his son and don't want no more kids at this time or ever, or he isn't in LOVE with Yvonne anymore, or SOMETHIN IS GOING (Intimately) with the Husband's baby Mama or, havin an affair with SOMEBODY ELSE?
The two should have discussed these issues from the beginning to have a better understanding on where things are between them as far as having children and Yvonne being in her Husbands sons life? I feel her pain. Yvonne seems like to me that she feels not worthy, she is not a good wife, not loved, and not connected with her Husband or, his son? In my opinion, I feel that they both need to go get some counseling to HELP save their marraige before it's too late? I don't blame the wife for being left out, alone, being as ONE with her Husband.
I hope the 3 can work it out and hope they all come to a better understanding and have a Happy Ending? If that don't work for Yvonne, there are PLENTY of GOOD MEN out there who would want to make Yvonne feel Beautiful, WHOLE, loved, be proud, be wanting to make love to concieve baby, connected, trusting, COMMITTED, and will stick it out for BETTER OR WORSE through THICK & THIN!
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By: TheDatingMansMind on 1/27/2011 10:43AM
All of this sounds hypothetical. How about finding out what a man really thinks? www.thedatingmansmind.tumblr.com
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By: "DimePiece" on 1/27/2011 11:51AM
I meant to say in my comment, "I don't blame the wife for being left out, alone, being not a PART, not ONE & WHOLE with her Husband".
Another thing, it's best to ESTABLISH a understanding & relationship with any man or woman's child biologically when it's not your child. The wife or husband has every right to be a part and to be there for the child just like if it were their own. All parties will be disconnected, hurt, and problems will arise in the relationship or marriage.
LOVE & BE TRUE TO YOUR MATE & WORK IT OUT!
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By: kieraht on 1/28/2011 4:49PM
Yvonne, why are you trying to conceive a baby when you and your husband are having so many difficulties?
Are you envisioning 2 separate families within a single household - your husband and stepson in one, and you and your baby in another? You need to work on the family you've got before bringing a baby into the mix.
It's time you and your husband have a talk. If your stepson continues to be in your household, you have to be included on decisions. And you have got to make more of an effort with him.
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By: Isaiah Robertson on 1/29/2011 9:39AM
Oh he's having sex...just not with you! Do me a favor, stop writing letters and call Joey Greco!
www.isaiahtellsdatruth.com
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