Luv Coach Q&A: I'm Afraid to Commit!

I have been with Chris for about ten months now, although three years ago we were in a relationship for a year and a half. I broke off our prior relationship because I wasn't able to balance my life with a teenager and dating. I needed to give my 14 year-old all the attention and focus he needed.

Chris and I rekindled our relationship, although he calls it 'friends with benefits'. I still have feelings for him as I was very much in love with him before, and was extremely heartbroken even though I initiated the break up. At this point, it seems to me we are in a relationship; but then again we both like our own personal freedom. I don't know what else to say, it's complicated. I love him and we have a great sex life, but I'm still not sure if he is 'the one'. I really don't want to be committed completely. Is there anything wrong with this?
-Denise

It sounds like you never wanted a commitment, and once again you are where you were three years ago, trying to find any excuse to avoid it. Chris has accepted that you won't give him anything more than a 'friends with benefits' relationship and is willing to oblige you. This isn't fair to him. If he wants more from you, or wants a committed relationship, then you are holding him back from experiencing full love. It's your choice how you want to live your life, but if you're asking for help figuring this out, then there is a deep rooted problem that you haven't been willing to face. Ask yourself why you don't want to be committed completely. Were you looking for commitment in past relationships? Did something happen that made you decide commitment wasn't for you?

It's commendable that you want to be the best mother you can be to your son, and give him all the attention and love he needs. However, by depriving yourself of love, you created an unbalanced life, allowed your fear of commitment to drive love away, and have set a poor example for your son. You can't use your son as an excuse anymore, so you're creating a new excuse; that you're not sure if he is 'the 'ne'. The question you should be asking yourself is: If the one came into my life, would I settle down and fully commit? If you just felt any fear rise in you, then the answer is no. It's time for self-reflection, because your fear of commitment could be rooted in past experiences, and this limitation will ensure that you won't experience love to the fullest.

A balanced and healthy relationship is rooted in commitment and support, while allowing room for personal freedom. You don't have to lose your identity or give up your freedom in order to be in a committed relationship, so let go of the fear that it has to be an all or nothing affair. You decide what your relationship should look like, and the best way to fulfill each others needs, wants and desires. I recommend that you find a therapist or coach in order to figure out and work through any negative experiences from your past that may be holding you back from engaging in a healthy and committed relationship. It's time to grow up, face past hurts, and get your emotional affairs in order, so you can experience a loving, supportive relationship.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts www.ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.