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Please help.
-Roxanne
You are dabbling in a very young dating pool, and this opens you up to falling into dating traps. With the age difference at this stage in your lives, it's too easy to end up playing the 'mommy' and 'baby' roles, which lead to dependence and neediness. At 20, he does not have the emotional maturity to have a relationship with you, and he hasn't fully developed into his adult self. He is unclear about what he wants, because he doesn't fully know who he is, and his overtly emotional reactions are a result of his underdeveloped identity.
The big question is, why did you choose to get involved with someone who is so young? He's obviously not ready for this type of emotional commitment, so why are you now choosing to walk away? What did you want from him? Are you looking for a committed partner to share your life with, or are you just looking for sexual satisfaction and an ego boost? You entered into this relationship sharing personal goals and aspirations, and once he became attached, you pulled the rug out from under him. You too have acted differently, and you have both been unclear about what you wanted from the get go. If someone tells you they are not ready to have a relationship, then why have sex with them? Were you hoping to change his mind?
You have to ask yourself what you really want out of a relationship, and find someone who is mature enough to provide those things. If you're just looking for a college fling, then choose someone with more maturity and set boundaries so everyone involved is aware of the parameters. Until you figure out what you want, you can't pick a man who is going to be right for you. Establish a friendship or be a mentor to this young man, and take some time away from the dating world to figure out what kind of partner and relationship you want in your life. Don't play games with young hearts, they are already confused enough trying to figure out who they are in this world.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.
Comments: (61)
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By: Dj on 1/07/2011 4:04PM
This young man is too young; it appears like Roxanne is an older woman looking for a ring because she is 28 years of age.
In America not having sex because people call themselves christain does hold water. It doesn't stop this couple.
If they are both in college they need to complete their education, the bottom line is this, what will happen if a baby comes into the picture? If this happens someone will hate the other for life.
Stop look and listen for your future seeks....
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By: robdablogger1 on 1/11/2011 10:39PM
WHAT'S WRONG WITH JUST BEING HAPPY WITH WHO YOU'RE WITH??????? Stop trying to analyze every damn aspect of a relationship since you WILL find faults. As long as you don't blow the faults out of proportion, you'll be fine. By the way, if god didn't want you to have sex before marriage, then men wouldn't get erections until then.
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By: Holly on 1/12/2011 12:59AM
Drop the guy and not because of the age difference. The guy is a manipulator and possessive and you're falling into a trap. Your gut is telling you that something is off and you've tried to back away but he sucks you back in. Get out now before you develop more feelings for him. He doesn't want a relationship but he wants to be more than friends. It's all about what he wants which is one-sided.
People need to get over the older woman-younger man prejudice. When my oldest son was 20, he was in the military and stationed in our town. He wanted to go out to the rocker bars and state law at the time allowed young adults under 21 to drink if a parent was with them so he'd have me come along to get him in. I'd stay a while and then leave.(Before anyone decides to lecture, I grew up in an 18 state before the laws changed and no one I knew ever got a DUI or in an accident because of drunk driving, so to me his drinking at 20 was no big deal.) I've always been petite and looked way younger than my age and it would bug him when guys around his age would hit on me or ask him to introduce them to his sister. I was widowed and did date younger men but some who I liked but felt were way too young to be involved with would try to talk me into going out with them insisting age shouldn't matter. 20 year olds aren't babies in diapers.
Stop ragging on her for dating a guy 8 years younger. When my son was 28, he married his wife who was 20 and they've been married 13 years. No one ever said anything about their age difference. So, why should her age be an issue? This ignorant writer isn't trying to help her with her problem but is more into lecturing her about dating a younger guy. The problem with her relationship is the guy is a possessive, manipulative user and a waste of her time. If I had a 20 year old daughter, I sure wouldn't want her involved with this jerk. I broke up with more than one guy when young because of this manipulative type of behavior. One was going to kill himself if I broke it off with him. Funny, it's been over 40 years later and he's still alive.
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By: hmmm... on 1/07/2011 6:03PM
if you're a Christian why are you seeking the advice of a secular personality on how to handle your relationship? Why not seek the bible and or a TRUSTED, REAL Pastor who isn't a wolf in sheep's clothing? And if you knew it was wrong to have sex in God's eyes then why did you do it? Not trying to condemn you Roxanne, just keeping it real. American Christianity lacks so much accountability, that is why the Church has become a laughing stock.
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By: sammy on 1/11/2011 3:12PM
You mean there are such a thing as a Pastor who isn't a wolf in sheep's clothing?
Do tell.
And if American Christianity lacks accountability the Church has become a laughing stock, it is because there are so many Sunday-go-meeting Christians filling the pews. Also, most of them are just sheeple who are unable to think for themselves and need the wolf to tell them what to do and how to live their lives.
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By: hmmm... on 1/07/2011 6:52PM
Lol. Yes, there are true, serious, sincere Pastors out there. You don't hear about them because they're busy preaching the true gospel, being parents to their children, counseling and praying for their members like they're supposed to be doing, not seeking the limelight and trying to be famous like a lot of the jokers you hear about nowadays.
Also while it is true there are a lot of religious people in the church who only go because granny made them go when they were little, a lot of the problem stems from everyone being afraid to tell people the truth because they don't want to hurt their feelings, or offend them, which would stop the tithes and offerings from coming in. Finally, true Christians are able to think for themselves, and choose to live their lives the way Jesus Christ, and the bible tells them too. A real Pastor should be simply supporting what the bible says, and not distorting it to fit their own selfish desires.
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By: hmmm... on 1/07/2011 6:53PM
I meant "tells them to"
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By: lisa on 1/09/2011 4:47PM
He's too young and too needy! It sounds to me like she is looking for justification of her wrong doing. It is true as a Christian. The understanding is Christ died for our sins. But no where in the bible does it say it is okay to keep drowning in it! This sexual relationship with him is the first thing that needs to stop. She's 28 and the focus should be on school. Not feeding the 20 yr old baby. What happens when she hits 30 and the urges of motherhood start to play. Now you have a 22 yr old boy to fill the need. Disaster............
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By: maffy on 1/12/2011 2:10AM
I don't think 28 is too old for this young man. The eight year difference is not bad at all. The
only problem is this young man should finish school first and if this 28 year old is also trying to finish her education then both should complete their education that is if they are both serious with one another. That's all I can say.
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By: TheDatingMansMind on 1/27/2011 10:48AM
All of this sounds hypothetical. How about finding out what a man really thinks? www.thedatingmansmind.tumblr.com
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