Luv Coach Q&A: Cheating with the Pastor!

22 years ago my first love proposed to me, but he was in the military and hard to contact. He went on with his life because he had accepted his call as a man of God and he didn't hear from me when he thought he should have. Throughout the years he would come home every now and then and find me, but I would turn him away. Then I moved out of state and he couldn't find me. I later moved back and got back in touch. We both are on our second marriage. He has only been married for three years, but we have been together intimately since the first year and a half of his marriage. I respect his status in society as a church pastor, and told him that we had to stop, but he says he can't let me go again. He claims he can't divorce his wife. I love him and I know he loves me, but it's wrong in the eyes of God what we are doing and I don't want people to think bad of him because he is a wonderful person. Why is it so hard for us to let go?
Sophia

It is hard to let go because you are both putting your emotional and physical needs and desires above those of your values and the people you vowed to honor, love and cherish. You are both living a lie and it is this hypocrisy which has damaged your character, forsaken your faith, and led you both to betray your marriage. You need to step outside of your little love bubble, wipe off your rose colored glasses and face the truth about yourself and this man. First, he has been cheating on his wife for years and you have been doing the same. You have both betrayed your marriages and adding insult to injury you both lie to your spouses face each and every day, disrespecting them and holding them captive in your web of deceit. What kind of marriage have you been cultivating if you've given your love and body to another man? What is left for your husband? How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot?

Your lover claims to be a man of God, but his actions speak differently. You can say the words, but if what you preach isn't what you practice, then you've lost your way. Preaching faith and fidelity while committing adultery is not only a slap in God's face, but a blatant disregard for the values and religion of his congregation, who look to him for spiritual guidance. He has made a mockery of his religion, and the message he is sending is that he doesn't believe in anything he preaches.

You have been blinded by your desire and the need to be loved, and you have rationalized why it's okay for you two to continue in this adulterous relationship. Creating a 'love story' that spans the ages is your way of wrapping your poor choices in a pretty little box, to make them acceptable and palatable. Unwrap the packaging, and open up the truth.

If you two want to be together, then separate from your spouses and give them the freedom and opportunity to find love with someone who will respect and honor them. He claims he can't let you go, but he can't divorce his wife, and you have deluded yourself into believing his lies. He has the best of all worlds and he has managed to deceive everyone in order to have it. He has a wife, a mistress, and the respect of his congregation, but it's all a lie.

You need to end this affair immediately, because if you don't, you're going to lose everything. Your husband will find out and you will lose him. Your lover will be outed and having already chosen his wife over you, you will end up out in the cold. He might claim he can't give you up, but you certainly can walk away. You aren't living in a romantic novel, and you two have done enough damage. The choice to end this adulterous affair and stop living a lie is in your hands.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.