Whitney Houston Tribute At 'Billboard Music Awards'
'Celebrity Apprentice' Finale: Who Got Hired?
-Richard
It sounds like you are sending the message that you can't commit, and for a woman that just doesn't work. Women want to feel secure in their relationships, and since you separated from your wife -- being unable to sustain that commitment -- and never followed through with your divorce -- being unable to commit to dissolution -- your track record is sending a clear message to your lady friend(s) that you can't commit. These women recognize that you don't have room in your life to make them a priority in the way in which they want, since you still have legal ties to your wife. They also see that your choice to abstain from getting a divorce for financial reasons and the hassle of splitting assets means that you are more concerned with your own comfort than their need for commitment and security.
It is fine to choose to live your life this way, but you are choosing women who obviously want more, and that is why it ends in the same way. You say that you want a true relationship, but your definition of what that is seems to be very different from that of the women you are dating. To them, a real relationship is one in which you are fully committed and are available to be a husband and partner in life. To you, a real relationship is one in which you live with a woman, but don't have to fully commit to marital bonds.
The best way to solve this is to find a woman who wants what you want, and defines a real relationship using the same terms in which you use. You need to search for someone who is financially stable and who does not want marriage. The trick is to ask them what they are looking for, before you tell them what you are looking for. In many cases you may tell a woman that you are separated, have filed for divorce, but have not gone through with it. This gives women hope that you might divorce, and that you will be available to commit to them eventually. This sends false hope and mixed messages, and you end up with women who wait and wait, all the while growing resentful that you aren't doing what they expected of you.
It is good that you are honest from the start, but you have to be very clear, concise and specific about what that means. Letting a woman know that you have no intention of getting a divorce or getting remarried, and explaining that you are only looking for a partner to share your life with, will help to weed out those who are looking for more. Ask her what she wants before sharing what you want, so that you can choose to not proceed if her wants are not in line with yours.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.
Comments: (18)
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By: Butterfly on 12/03/2010 7:52PM
I think your advice is good, however this is not good. He needs to get a divorce. You are asking a woman to have a relationship with a married man. That is adultery!!!! Why should we encourage a man to get into a woman who has settle from the beginning. He is leading women on to think they are going to be in a relationship that can grow. Then he pulls back. Whatever. Make him accountable.
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By: Brenda on 12/06/2010 11:32AM
Butterfly, you are so right! Why does a woman have to commit adultery in order to be with this man. Why should a woman have to put up with him for the next 10-20 years, and when he dies, the assets would go to his WIFE. Hell to the no!!!!
He needs to get a divorce, and if he do not want to get remarried, all well and good. But I love myself too much to be put up with a man who is old and must likely I would have to take care of him and he doesn't think I am worth marrying or at least care enough about my soul so that I don't go to hell because I gave up my good stuff to a married man. You know, I must have read his question the wrong way, let me read it over again.
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By: dhonesty on 12/07/2010 12:07PM
You are on point.. that's the problem now w/women accepting anything a man tells her.. it doesn't sound like it 's about money.. the RIGHT thing to do is get a divorce before bedding and starting a relationship w/someone new.. why should any woman accept this?! Imagine introducing him to a friend, a relative, hell your mother and saying he's still married but they're separated.. WTH! It seems that it's more about $$$ w/him than w/the them..
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By: Caregiver 1 on 12/03/2010 7:50PM
It is both interesting and entertaining to hear the prospective of a professional relationship counselor on the everchanging dynamic between men and women. I would like to introduce a differing opinion on the scenario described in the offering about the 65 yo separated man, Richard. From a male perspective, the central issue is not an unwillingness to commit. Listen to the words that were actually used to describe the situation. Richard described his ex-wife as a business partner. If we take it on its face, the relationship has evolved from one with tenderness and love to one with a focus on asset protection. Nothing suggested that there was the occassional intimate dinner or sexual romp. Just the accumulation of 3 million in assets that usually consists of real estate that features the house that the ex-wife still lives in. There may be some other varied and smaller assets, but the real estate and pension benefits predominate the assets of most men that have reached retirement age. Chances are Richard will receive less than a fair amount of the proceeds if liquidated during a divorce because his wife's contribution to the collective "wealth building" was significantly less than Richard's, thus giving her an advantage if divided for any reason other than death. Of course this is based on the outdated doctrines of the 18th,19th and early 20th centuries when the believe that women should be kept in the lifestyle that they had become accustomed to was developed. That principle was based on an agrarian economy where women did not work outside of the home and their primary source of income came from a division of the husbands earnings from work.
Richard says he has been up-front about the relationship that he wants with a mate, but the women seemingly don't believe that this type of arrangement is in their "financial" best interest. You see, they (the women he dates) say that (Ms Brody did also)that Richard is "hiding" in a veil of committment-phobia that is unacceptable to them. The real truth translation on both parts is a half of the same coin. Richard is saying that based on his prior marriage and the disadvantaged position that it left for him, that he is in no way interested in replicating that unequal arrangement. The women, on the other hand, are saying that they are only interested in an arrangement that they stand to financially benefit from and that any thing less than what the ex-wife enjoyed is unacceptable. The women by the age of 50 to 65 know that this is the age of asset distribution either through death or divorce. And realistically how many additional chances would they have for remarriage at that age? So in my humble opinion, the real reasons behind the women's insistence on Richard's divorce and remarriage are not as honorable and honest as the women and Ms. Brody would have us believe. It is primarily about the "rights" to asset transfer and survivorship. The talk about committment is a poorly disguised smoke screen that women tell themselves because it seems noble. My advice to Richard is to widen his candidate pool to include women that have either benefited from a prior asset division or that have become financially independent on their own merits and therefore have something to lose if they get married and subsequently divorce, separate or die. Those women will be less likely to press for the contract of asset transferral aka a marriage certificate. Peace
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By: wiseup on 12/04/2010 3:13AM
Why do you assume that his "wife's contribution to the collective 'wealth building' was significantly less than Richard's"? That thinking is also antiquated and shouldn't be seen as 'more probable'.
Perhaps Richard chooses to stay in the financial arrangement with his wife because it is in his favor. Moreover, how many wise adults do you know that would agree to building a life with someone who wasn't equally invested. It is possible Richard is abstaining from the choices in his love life because he is searching for the path of least risk. Unfortunately the only one suffering is himself.
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By: dvine on 12/07/2010 12:07PM
wrong, wrong, wrong.. what security does this woman have if she decides to build a life w/this MARRIED man?! NONE! if and when he dies they will not be contacting the GF they'll be calling the wife to make burial arrangements, to identify the body, if he hits the lottery - his wife will be entitled to some of that.. His wife, His wife, His wife for everything.. that's all it will ever be..
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By: Sunshine on 12/07/2010 10:46PM
I respect him for being honest, its so difficult to find a man who is honest, a woman can deal with it or keep walking.
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By: wb7ptr on 12/05/2010 5:06PM
I'm not sure that it's just WOMEN who want someone who will commit. Alot of men are that way as well ... but it is personally a major turn off to me that a guy would not ask to marry if we wished to be sexually involved. That tells me that he might not commit to children, etc. But I certainly can understand being nervous about commitment after a bad relationship. I'd say he work on being capable of committing before getting into another relationship. He just might get something that will really last if he does.
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By: Delite on 12/05/2010 5:44PM
Richard, needs to find someone who is like himself, she has her own and doesn't need to validate herself by gaining anything from him. In this case there's no need to live together because its just a partnership as he says. I wouldn't want to play house with someone when marriage is furtile, its just a companionship. Likewise women have no need for you to move in with them and play wifey because love has nothing to do with it. Love makes want you want to be a better person not only for yourself but your significant other.
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By: Caregiver1 on 12/05/2010 7:52PM
@wiseone, respectfully, what planet are you on where you believe that a woman who is in the situation listed in the letter has contributed? The man admits to being 65 years old. The thinking is antiquated but still appropriate and applicable. Richard feels trapped by the trappings of his success. If he did not, the financial exchange of assets would be long since passed. Every part of his letter focuses on asset transfer. The new prospective women seeking the last train from the station and Richard focus on what he has and his unwillingness to walk away from more than half. I said it is in "his favor" to stay but not because it favors him. The rules and laws will give his wife more than an equal share in the marital assets he seeks to delay, defer and possibly defeat such a transfer. If the woman had anything on him, her advisors would have taken him to court long ago. For 11 years she(the ex)lived in a fashion as a kept woman without having to do his laundry or anything else. What would give you the impression that she had contributed? Peace
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