Luv Coach Q&A: Repeat Offenders!

My husband and I have been married for five years. Last year he felt the need to have an emotional affair with someone that works at his company. He denies that it was an affair, and says they worked for the company together for many years. She worked a different shift than he did, but he happened to see her in passing one day so they exchanged phone numbers. I discovered his friendship when his phone rang one day and her picture showed up. It disturbed me that he had personalized his phone to show another woman's picture. I checked his cell phone bill history to discover he had exchanged over 168 text and picture messages including phone calls within a three month period with this woman. When I asked him to justify this, he walked out of the house stating he had an appointment. I checked the phone calls for that day and it looks like when he left, he called her.

I called her and she did not answer, so I text her. She called me back and left a voicemail message stating that she had known my husband for a long time and whatever he had told me about them was true. They are only friends. She claimed she only called him occasionally about the gym. She also stated that she was married and had a very good life with her husband.

When I called her back she would not answer. I was disturbed at her comment, "Whatever your husband has told you is true." How would she know what my husband told me unless she had spoken to him prior to calling me to explain? Also, what the f*** is she calling my husband about the gym for?

Fast forward to a year later, after counseling, I told him I would never trust him again and although I may forgive him, I would never forget. He said he would never contact her again. The counselor told him when you are married you don't have friends of the opposite sex; that is what your wife is for.

I was randomly checking our phone bill and saw that in July he contacted her again. Now this time there were only two text messages and two phone calls, but in my opinion one is too many. Of course he is again denying anything and he says I am allowing the devil to distort my thoughts. I am completely stressing over this. What should I do?

-Sharita H.

It sounds like you have caught the crazy and this incident has spun your mind into a troubled state. A large part of a healthy relationship is trusting that your partner will behave appropriately, no matter what the situation. Your husband developed a friendship with another woman and this has made you jealous and upset since he has been confiding in someone else. It is perfectly natural to feel this way, especially since your husband didn't bother to introduce you to his work colleague. Had he been behaving honorably he would have kept this business between husband and wife. Running off to tell the other woman that his wife knows about their 'relationship' and warning her to say that they are just friends was the wrong way to handle this situation. His denial of these text messages and phone calls, even though you have proof, is another poor choice and an admission of guilt.

The lies have to stop if you two are going to heal this relationship. Let him know that you can't forgive him if he is unwilling to admit that he contacted her. There is no room for resolution without first facing the truth, and that means owning up to the part you played in this as well. It's time to admit that your broken trust has led you to snoop in his phone bills, but you recognize that you two cannot move forward without first addressing the truth. Since this has become a hot point of contention and he has deflected your assertions by claiming the devil has distorted your mind, then you two need to approach this differently. Go to your separate corners with pen and paper and answer the following questions:

What happened to the trust in my relationship?

What part did I play in this?

How do I feel when I admit my role in this?

What kind of relationship do I want to have?

What do I need to do in order to rebuild trust?

Once you have answered these five questions, read them out loud to each other. Take the answers to question number 4 and combine them into one statement. This is your new love mission statement, and from now on you both have to make choices that reflect this statement. If you want to rebuild your relationship, you have to stop making excuses, start admitting the truth, and rebuild trust.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach and columnist in NYC. She hosts ImprovDates.com, and works with private clients. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or visit her at www.TheLuvCoach.com.