Luv Coach Q&A: I Want to Change Him!

I fell for a guy completely outside my comfort zone. We have been dating six months and discussing marriage. I have known him for 35 years and he was the first boyfriend I ever had. We dated for three years prior to our current relationship. He kept up with me for years and always expressed his feelings for me so I know he is the real thing. He is a good guy. However, I have a huge issue with his bad grooming, unchecked hygiene, cleaning habits. When he is with me, he cleans up, cuts his beard and wears clothes that fit. He stated he would change anything about himself to stay with me. I believed him and let him know his grooming had to change and that he had to fix his mouth. I don't want to change his personality or his feelings, but he doesn't have any drive or ambition. He is content to be "the handyman" and "garbage man" four days a week, and I earn considerably more than he does.

Believe me, I was not looking for a relationship, and only wanted to remain friends. However, I did fall for him -- at his worst for that matter. Now as he has gotten comfortable with me, he uses crazy vernacular that I don't understand and he jokes about 75 percent of the time, which makes our conversations awkward. Now that I'm bringing this all to his attention, our time together on the weekends has become strained. When I want to discuss his goals and our future, he doesn't seem to understand or chooses to simply laugh it off.

One thing he asked of me was not to break his heart, but I feel as if he is driving me crazy. I want a man, not a 13 year old boy in a man's body. Do I let this good man that loves me unconditionally go? I'm no Halle Berry; I'm overweight, but I speak clearly, I dress appropriately for my profession and size and I can keep up in conversations with others. He on the other hand is a social outcast, but I do love and care for him. I can't ask family about this and most definitely not his associates or his mother. Everyone is happy for us and especially him. I've gotten him to go to church, theater and have basically been responsible for bringing him into the 21st century. What am I to do?

-Mary F.

In every relationship you will help your partner to grow and vice versa. The minor changes, such as hygiene and manners can be taught, but expecting him to match your ambition when he is content with who he is will only damage the relationship and harm his self identity. No matter what he does, he will feel like he can't please you and you will be unsatisfied with his lack of drive.

You are both currently in an uncomfortable position because you are judging the way he speaks, the words he chooses to use, and you find his sense of humor and inability to be serious, annoying. He is fully aware of this and the message you're sending him is "I don't love you just the way you are. You need to change if you want to be with me."

Your love has too many conditions, which is telling you that this may not be the right man for you. Heed the signs because they are blaring. You have only been dating for six months, and yet you're embarrassed by him, and say he is driving you crazy. Can you imagine how you will feel in a year?

You two have been friends for a long time, and the guilt that emerged at his request that you not break his heart is now holding you prisoner. There is no need to rush into marriage, and neither one of you is ready for that type of commitment yet. If you choose to go down that road, the beautiful glaring lights of a wedding will mask all these issues, but eventually when the dust settles they will still be there.

Lastly, don't under estimate your worth, and don't settle because you think you're not all that. You deserve as much love and happiness in your life as Halle Berry, and you have to know and love yourself if you want to find the same in a partner. Take a good look at your man and ask yourself if this is someone who will help you to grow into the best person you can be. Can you love him unconditionally?

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach in NYC (www.TheLuvCoach.com). She hosts ImprovDates.com and helps singles and couples experience love to it's fullest in their lives. Send your questions to Brody@TheLuvCoach.com