Luv Coach Q&A: Holding on to the Past

Please help me understand how a woman I just met has been "helping" her unemployed, suicidal ex-boyfriend whom she has known since she was a teen. He was staying with her at her house while her house was being repaired because of storm damage. One night, her "ex" needed a place to stay. She arrived at my house and was on the phone with him while on my computer trying to find him a hotel room for the night. After making the arrangements, she then came over to me stating how much she hated having to do that for him.

My reply was that she did not have to do that for him, but she chose to do it for him. She mentions him in our conversations and states that I would feel differently about him if I met him. I was telling her how she is invested in his well being to which she denies. How do I get her to see that she isn't responsible for him anymore?
Anonymous

It sounds like your friend is in a co-dependent relationship and is having difficulty breaking away from her self imposed responsibility. It's not easy for people to recognize when they are trapped in a co-dependent cycle and she definitely needs the services of a therapist to help her out of it. As a friend your best chance of helping her is to continue making her aware of her choices and teaching her that she is enabling her ex instead of helping him. The more that she enables him, the less he is capable of learning how to be a healthy adult. Show her how she is hurting him, and you will open her eyes so she can see that co-dependence isn't good for either one of them.

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I'm almost 21 and I have been dealing with my ex since I was about 16. We have been through so much together and I can't even begin to explain it all. Even though we have been off and on dating for so long, I've never dated anyone else, unlike my ex. Every time we split for awhile we end up getting back together and trying again. This last time, I stopped talking to him because he and his friends did something that really hurt me. Months past and my ex said he really loved and missed me, and wanted to be with me. After a huge struggle I said okay, but then after a few weeks of complete inconsistency with not returning my calls and going M.I.A. for days, I suggested we take a break to figure stuff out. Long story short, my ex ended up saying he really didn't want to be with me. He said he had gotten confused with missing me and that he now wants to date other people. He wants us to remain friends, but with all the feelings that have resurfaced, I don't think I can do that. I don't really want to cut him out of my life completely, but It seems I have no choice. What should I do?
Naiyla

It's time to break away from your ex and move on with your life. The on-again, off-again relationship is stunting your emotional growth and limiting your opportunity to experience new people and learn what will fulfill you in a relationship. At the moment your ex has you as his back up girl, and in between relationships with other people, he always comes back to you to fill the void until he finds someone else to date. You are growing and maturing, and what you needed at 16 and what you will need at 21 will be different. At this point it seems that your ex was unable to fulfill those needs in the past and is still unwilling to do so. I suggest that you vow to release this relationship for good and give yourself the space to heal before you allow him in your life as a friend. You will need a few years to explore who you are without him in the picture, and that means removing yourself from the role of back up girl and closing the door on this relationship for good.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach in New York City. Have a relationship question? Ask Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. Ready to meet that special person? Come join Coach Brody for an evening of Improv Speed Dating- www.Improvdates.com