Luv Coach Q&A: Behind my Back!

I've been seeing my man for a little over a year and he has a problem with honesty. When we first got together, he lied about his interactions with his ex. He told me he was not talking to her, but yet they were conversing quite often. Then I went through his phone (only once) and saw that he was corresponding with another female. When I confronted him about it, he told me that she was an old friend and "it was nothing". He told me he was not going to talk to her anymore, but come to find out, he was still communicating with her. So I've continued in this relationship and come to realize that deep down, I do not trust him. I understand that he may have female friends, but why be secretive about it and withhold this information from me? He tells me the reason why he does not tell me he talks to other women is because "it's nothing". Well, if it's nothing, then why can't we talk about it? My issue is the fact that he secretly talks to other women, doesn't tell me about it and then when I ask him, he lies about it or downplays it as though it's nothing. So now that the trust is gone, every time we hang up, I think that he's calling another woman, laughing and sharing stories that he is supposed to share with me. Lastly, when we first got together, I reevaluated our relationship and started to shut myself off from him. I tried to explain to him that I just needed a little time to think about some things. However, he decided that since I was not going to talk to him, he would contact a female friend and talk to her all night long. My trust issues are causing problems in our relationship because I truly believe that he is still communicating with other women behind my back. Even though I've told him how that makes me feel, he still continues to do it and I'm tired of it. What should I do?
-Lakisha

The red flags were popping up and slapping you in the face from the very beginning. When someone tells you one thing and then goes behind your back and does another, then they cannot be trusted. You have trust issues because you have allowed someone into your life who is a liar. If you knew from the start that he was being dishonest, and honesty is obviously a requirement for you, then why did you continue to remain in the relationship? Even though you have told him that it bothers you that he is in contact with his ex and with other women, he can see that it must not bother you enough to walk away. He is going to continue doing what he wants, because there is no real repercussion. When you set a boundary and your partner crosses it, then they are telling you that they don't respect you. When you choose to stay in the relationship in spite of this behavior you are telling him that it's okay to treat you this way. Your man let you know from the start that he is going to have relationships with his ex and other women, so if it really bothers you then move on and set your sights on finding someone who believes that honesty and respect are key values to the health of a relationship.

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I have been with this woman for several years. Lately she got in touch with her ex. They have a kid together but he hasn't seen him since he was 6 months old. She says they talk about him. When I ask what else they talk about she says nothing. What should I do?
-Taylor

At this point the best thing to do is to take her for her word, but let her know how you feel about having her ex re-enter the picture. It's okay to admit that it makes you nervous and antsy when you see her forming a relationship with him, and that you would like to know why she felt the need to make this choice now. Let her know you feel this way because you love her and you love her child. You have been with this woman for several years, which means that her child looks to you as a father figure, and this is not something that a mother takes lightly. Allowing her child's biological father back into his life is a choice that she can make, but you also have a say in the part that he will play. Ask her what they talk about when they discuss her son, and become a part of the conversation so that you know that any choices that are being made are in the best interest of the child.

Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach in New York City. Have a relationship question? Ask Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. Ready to meet that special person? Come join Coach Brody for an evening of Improv Speed Dating- www.Improvdates.com