My boyfriend and I recently got into a really heated fight and he pushed me. He apologized, but told me I shouldn't get in his face. It scared me, but I think it scared him even more, because he ran out of the apartment right after. My boyfriend was raised in an abusive household, and he witnessed his father beat on his mother. I don't think he is a violent man, but I am worried that he may turn into what he saw as a child. I love him and I don't know what to say or do. I don't think he would ever hurt me, but I can't say for sure.
There is absolutely no place in a healthy relationship for physical abuse. What you are experiencing is the deterioration of a boundary, and once it is crossed, you must put your foot down and send a clear message that this behavior is not acceptable. I recommend that your boyfriend see a therapist immediately so that he can work out his own personal issues with anger, violence and family. You and your boyfriend should work with a relationship coach to reset the boundary that has been crossed and begin rebuilding trust and fulfilling healthy expectations. You both need to learn how to work through issues verbally and responsibly without turning physical. If he refuses to do any of this, then the only choice you have is to walk away from the relationship. Physical abuse will only get worse if it is not dealt with, and that is not an experience anyone should stand for.
My mother is black and my father is white and they taught me to judge others by who they are as a person, not by the color of their skin. My father died last year and my mother has been pressuring me to find someone that I can spend my life with. She keeps telling me to find someone who is not black because she claims that white men "work steady." She says that most black men have been in prison or have just got out and will return. I never knew my mother was so prejudiced. I am sick with anger by what she says to me, and I feel like she is going against everything she and my father taught me. She is my mother and I love her, but how do I handle this without hurting her?
Your mother wants the best for you because she loves you. As misguided as she is in her belief of who that is, she only has your best interests in mind. You are struggling because you are seeing your mother's fears for the first time. She is fearful that you will not find a great partner who will fulfill your functional and emotional needs. She obviously instilled great values in you growing up, so remember that the lessons you were taught then reflect the person you are today. Don't let your mother's fears and worries dictate the kind of man who will be right for you. Just know that your mother loves you, but she is coming from a place of fear. Your best choice is to let her know that she raised you very well and that she can trust you will find someone who suits you perfectly.
Your mother wants the best for you because she loves you. As misguided as she is in her belief of who that is, she only has your best interests in mind. You are struggling because you are seeing your mother's fears for the first time. She is fearful that you will not find a great partner who will fulfill your functional and emotional needs. She obviously instilled great values in you growing up, so remember that the lessons you were taught then reflect the person you are today. Don't let your mother's fears and worries dictate the kind of man who will be right for you. Just know that your mother loves you, but she is coming from a place of fear. Your best choice is to let her know that she raised you very well and that she can trust you will find someone who suits you perfectly.
Rebecca Brody is a relationship coach in New York City. She is creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories, visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (10)
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By: John on 7/21/2010 6:31AM
The acceptable abuser verse the innocent victim. One youtube.com "reaction to a woman abusing a man in public" is the sad truth about domestic violence and why men are ignored as victims - no one cares if they are abuse victims.
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By: Mr. Stephen on 7/21/2010 5:10PM
Your comment seemed to be one sided! When it comes to domestic violent. you seemed to gender discriminate and fail to realized that we all have some areas of domestic violence in us, so what you beef?
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By: john on 7/22/2010 4:10AM
Look Stevie, your below comment already show your KKK-like mindset. Your Hitlerian thought process in regards to violence against innocent people. You do understand "violence against innocent people?" There is a point to the video I directed you to, however, you missed it. So, look at it this way, imagine all of the people in the video being dressed with white hoods and clothes and the man being abused being a Negroe. Or the people all dressed as Hitler's Nazis and the abused man as a Jew. Have you noticed that their view of the abused targeted person are the same. Why is the abuse of the targeted person allowed to happen in public? Answer, the targeted person or group or race or gender, has been deemed by the society, government, and law as slaves and deserving of such treatment to maintain conformity by using whatever means necessary to guarantee compliance without second-thought. I don't call people toms because most wouldn't even know what it implies. Oh yeah, your one-sided comment. Did you witness one-sidedness on the video? Think, these same people are the ones making the laws and sitting on juries.
"By: Mr. Stephen on 7/21/2010 5:10PMNeutral Your comment seemed to be one sided! When it comes to domestic violent. you seemed to gender discriminate and fail to realized that we all have some areas of domestic violence in us, so what you beef?"
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By: hallyuu on 7/21/2010 7:16PM
Wanna know where people go to snag an interracial relat-ionship, say, Just for future reference? “interracial Central”? “San Carlos” ? or “San Francisco”?*** BlackwhiteKissing C0 /om *** is the real place that is packed with them. ;)
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By: inez on 7/21/2010 9:41PM
If it walks like a duck and quacks like on IT IS A DUCK. ALL OF THE RED FLAGS ARE THERE THAT THE POTENTIAL FOR THERE TO BE A LONGTERM CHROMIC VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP IS THERE. THE HARDEST SLAP OR PUNCH TO THROW IS THE FIRST ONE. ONCED THAT MOULD HAS BEEN BROKEN THEN IT BECOMES A HABIT FOR NO REASON ONCE THE EXCUSES ARE DONE AWAY WITH. THERE ARE MANY WOMEN IN THE GRAVE AND MANY LIVES DESTROYED BY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - WHY BECAUSE THE WOMEN MADE THE SAME RATIONAL EXCUSES THAT YOU MADE. WALK AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK. DO NOT BE HOOD WINKED INTO YOU MUST FORGIVE AND GIVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE. INDEED YOU MUST FORGIVE BUT DO NOT BE STUPID. MOVE ON AND FORGET HIM - NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE SAYS THAT HE IS SORRY. MOVE ON PLEASE!!!!!
Scenario # 2 Your mothers means the best for you but he has placed the Ghetto Steriotype of black men on ALL black men . Therefore find a man who is going to love , respect , and honour you ; who comes from a decent family and has a good profession / trade FIRST then worry about his skin color
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By: john on 7/22/2010 4:41AM
Inez, you know during the 1960s, a Klan member gave as his reason for hating and wanting Negroes dead as follows: That one {Negro] killed his uncle in the ally in the 1950s behind a moviehouse. The Negro found in the area was beattened to death before a trial. And since then all Negroes had to be dealt with to prevent another such attack on a White person. Now, this white racists had many other excuses as you know, as to why the treatment of Negroes had to exist.Also, since you know of many women in the grave from domestic violence, what is your criteria for the number of men in the grave for domestic violence? I know you believe when women kill men they had a right to for whatever reason. But since I know that their is a grading scale in schools to grade students according to their abilities: A, B, C, D, and E/F. In addition, in hospitals there is a grading scale for how much pain you are in from 1 [being the less amount of pain] to 10 [being the highest level of pain] tolerance. Each of my examples show that their are varying degrees within this world with nothing dealing with human beings is absolute since their are always people at the top, the near top, the middle, the near middle, the near bottom and the bottom. Your belief that women suffer from domestic violence more than men is wrong. All suffer about the same; you just allow women more leeway. Would you want a mother charged with domestic violence who hits her children/abuse her children? Relative size/strength theory you use for men would put mothers in jeopardy if it was applied to mother dealing with children-don't you think? Notice how easily you reject having mothers put under a very strick set of laws dealing with their children, you understand now why blanket laws could harm the innocent.
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By: Rick Davis on 7/24/2010 2:48AM
I don't believe in abuse nor do I believe a man should hit a woman. Nor have I ever put my hands on a woman. But I'll say this "Stay Out Of His FACE" it's as simple as that. We can have an arguement that's one thing but don't get in my face. And we all know some Black women like to get all up in your face and do their little finger pointing. Just a little advice for the women with those nasty attitudes when your man walks away what he's saying is leave me the F$$k alone. Got It.
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By: kieraht on 7/27/2010 3:03PM
Your comment (though well-intended) says that there is a situation in which violence against women in an argument is acceptable. Just because someone (particularly someone you are supposed to care about) is in your face, that is not a justification for putting your hands on someone. Get it.
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By: C.Lee on 8/30/2010 5:44AM
I think when ur arguing with someone u don't get n there face, because it threathens their space, I don't agree w/what he did, but I don't agree w/what she did. He asked her not to get n his face after the fact.Why? Because she provolked him to push her by getting up n his face. Oh yes it wasn't a fight, it was an argument. Now I'm going to assume she didn't get hurt, and I'm glad she didn't, if she did get hurt she didn't say anything about it, an I'm going to assume this is the 1st time he did this, because she never said other wise. If someone was to get n ur face arguing w/u, lets just say it was ur boss, what would u do? There is no justification on his part for pushing her, and there is no justification on her part for getting up n his face, they were both wrong.
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