Luv Coach Q&A: Time to Go!

I have been in a relationship for the past eight years with the same man. I found out about two years ago that he was smoking crack. He hid it very well from me, until I found a crack pipe in his coat pocket. It has pretty much been downhill ever since. He stays gone for days and sometimes weeks at a time. He says he never cheated on me, but I got into his checking account and found that he paid for a motel for two nights. When I confronted him about it, he says he was there by himself getting high. I don't really want to believe that he's ever cheated on me, but, my thing is, do I keep trying to make it work with him, or do I just move on? I have a 13-year-old son who is not his and he is so good with him. I think that's what's kept us together all this time. The relationship itself hasn't been good for years. But I keep thinking it will get better. Right now, he's living on his own. I asked him to leave about a month ago, after he did another one of those disappearing acts. I love him in spite of everything that he's done to me, but do I keep beating a dead horse even when he tells me he'll change or do I just face the fact that he never will?

Valencia

The truth is that he will not change until he decides to check himself into rehab and face his demons. Crack will destroy your body, your life and the lives of those around you. He has chosen drugs over you and your son. The money he spends on crack and on hotel rooms could have been spent on your son's college education. You may think that he is good to your son, but the real question you should be asking is if he is good for your son. You can't possibly imagine the emotional toll living with a user and abuser takes on a child. You are exposing your son to a man who abuses his mother, and teaching him the lesson that it is okay to be with someone who chooses crack over love and life. Your child might even choose to emulate him and use drugs. As a mother, you need to protect your son and protect yourself. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. It's time to face reality and get out of this relationship.

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Several years ago I gave my son's father another chance. Of course he did not live up to his word or my expectation. He promised to marry me in 2005 and move south. He has not done so. I need to move on with my life, but I don't want to let him go!

Deloris

It sounds like you are in the waiting place, and the fear of wasted time is holding you there. Waiting for him to fulfill your life expectations has led you to this point. The only person who can get you out of the waiting place is you. It's time to ask him directly if his intentions are to marry you, and find out what is keeping him from doing so. Understanding why he has not made good on his promise will help you in deciding whether to keep waiting. You are in control of your choices and your life, so if you feel that it isn't heading in the best direction, then change it.

Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com