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Here's the thing: Casual dating is tricky. Not everyone wants the same thing at the same time. For example, you may hear the pitter-patter of his or her heart as they lay next to you. They, on the other hand, hear the pitter-patter of your feet scurrying across the hardwood floor as you make your customary 3 a.m. exit. Still, they refuse to give up on you. It's a classic game of cat and mouse.
And if it weren't difficult enough already, there are other forces at play – friends, family, co-workers, the creepy eHarmony dude. Everyone wants you to find someone special and they're often too eager to help. This is why avoiding unwanted relationships is to stay one step ahead of everyone conspiring against you. But don't fret. Being outnumbered doesn't mean you have to be out-maneuvered.
What's key is being able to recognize the behavior that suggests your casual relationship is in jeopardy of becoming something more serious? Here are a few signs to look for.
The Writing on the Wall
Sometimes the writing is literally on the wall, as in the Facebook wall. Become "friends" too early, and you'll likely regret it. It's too much exposure too soon. Invariably, he or she will stalk you, tag you, status update the details of your evening, send you a drink, borrow sugar, give you Facebook herpes, something. Look, when Diddy spoke the words on 'Big Poppa,' "Tell your friends to get with my friends and we can be friends," he didn't have this Facebook sh*t in mind. He meant real interactions and real herpes. In fact, the founder of Facebook was only 10-years-old at the time. So before the two of you rush to become friends on Facebook, wait. Then wait a little longer. Then send me a Facebook message thanking me for my sage advice.
Assumed Date Nights
Things are not going your way when spending time on Friday and Saturday nights becomes the routine rather than the request. This is no longer casual. This relationship now has expectations. To do something different with your time, you find yourself proactively stating "oh, I didn't' tell you; I've made plans
The Abrupt Change in Pronoun Usage
When you first started casually dating, conversations were peppered with pronouns like you and I. And I don't mean "you and I" as in one set of quotations. I'm talking about two sets of quotations, as in "you" and "I" are still getting to know each other. There was clear and present separation of the pronouns. But watch, give it enough time and they'll try to slide in a "we" to see how "you" respond. What are "we" going to do this weekend? When are "we" going to take the next step? This is your cue to say "I" don't think "yooouuuu" get it. "Weeee" aren't doing sh*t. Now, excuse me while "me, myself and I" extricate "ourselves" from this emotional wreckage that I'm about to leave behind when I tell you that it's over.
The Four-Month Anniversary
I've never understood this. All I know is I can count the months. And 12 of them need to pass before anyone starts thinking about an anniversary of any kind. If it's easier, you can also count the number of platinum-selling rappers that have gone to jail since you started going out. If only one pops to mind, chances are it's only been six months. In an average year, at least two are removed from society for a stint. Just keep reading Black Voices; you'll know when a year has passed. Celebrating any earlier is a red flag that's not to be confused with that of China. Although the social control he or she is trying to exert over your life is similar.
The bottom line is not everyone wants to be in a relationship. But not everyone respects that. The prevailing presumption is, whether people are single for a reason or for a season, all they need is Mr. or Ms. Right to come along and everything will fall in place. The truth is there are singles who actually like their space and they prefer not to have their single life broken into by someone with good intentions but terrible timing. Lesson learned – set relationships parameters early and often. Good luck with that.
Beautiful Black Love
(L-R) Christine Teigen and John Legend at The Shrine Auditorium on June 27, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.
(L-R) LaLa Vasquez and Carmelo Anthony at The Shrine Auditorium on June 27, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.
Lamar Odom #7 of the Los Angeles Lakers and Khloe Kardashian celebrate during the Los Angeles Lakers Championship Parade on June 21, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.
Beyonce and Jay-Z in the audience at the 64th Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall on June 13, 2010 in New York City.
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith in the audience at the 64th Annual Tony Awards at Radio City Music Hall on June 13, 2010 in New York City.
Producers Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith arrive at "The Karate Kid" Los Angeles Premiere at Mann Village Theatre on June 7, 2010 in Westwood, California.
Singers Jay-Z and Beyonce Knowles are seen at the French Open on June 6, 2010 in Paris, France.
Actor Terry Crews and wife Rebecca Crews arrive at Spike TV's 4th Annual "Guys Choice Awards" held at Sony Studios on June 5, 2010 in Los Angeles, California.
John Legend and Christine Teigen pose with Elmo during Sesame Workshop's 8th Annual Benefit Gala at Cipriani 42nd Street on June 2, 2010 in New York City.
Actress Nicole Ari Parker (L) and husband actor Boris Kodjoe attend the "35 And Ticking" Film Wrap Party on May 28, 2010 in Woodland Hills, California.
Mason Jamal lives, observes and comments. He writes about issues pertaining to the style, substance and sensibilities of men, women and relationships. For more of his musings, you can visit www.MasonSays.com. To have his commentary delivered to your e-mail, subscribe here. Keep up with Mason's daily thoughts and observations on Facebook and Twitter @masonsays. 
Comments: (10)
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By: MS PEGGY on 7/12/2010 11:08AM
Loved this article. It was funny while being simultaneously right on the mark and truthful.
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By: MS PEGGY on 7/12/2010 11:11AM
You might want to check the settings on your PC screen. Neither of the women in the photos are white.
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By: kheru on 7/12/2010 12:52PM
Ms Peggy, did you scroll through the "gallery" that is embedded inthe article? there are several interracial couples featured in the "black love" gallery, including Idina Menzel (Taye Digg's frightening white wife) and Khole Khardashian (Omar Odom's gigantic white wife).
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By: kheru on 7/12/2010 12:52PM
Really great article. Funny and well written. But the pics that accompany it, talking about "black love?" please. A bunch of light-skins, half castes and white women? When BLACK VOICES offers us pictures on Hollywood’s interracial couples, of which there is no shortage, there aren’t pictures of two black people mixed in. So why do we have to look at interracial couples in the BLACK LOVE story? Is it because there really aren’t that many black couples anymore? Is it because black men are so “open minded” and free to and marry who they choose that they don’t choose black women anymore? Is Common the only brother we have left?
We can't even have a title like "black love" to ourselves. Is it because so many black celebrities don't "choose" black mates? Idina Menzel is one of the freakishly ugly white women I have ever seen—and I’ve seen her in person. She got that part of the wicked witch of the west, not just because she is a very talented singer, but because they didn’t have to do anything to her face but spray some green paint on it. Is it that so many of today’s "black" celebrities have a white parent themselves? And the one or two women with two black parents featured (beyonce NOT included, because her mama (nee Dereon) is clearly "creole") are sporting some kid of fake blond hair. Serena! Didn't your brush with Keyshawn cure you of your wanting-to-be- white sickness? Is that why Common couldn’t deal with you? Pitiful.
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By: Hrd2Resist on 8/17/2010 9:42PM
I'm so tired of this type of narrow-mindedness. Honestly... "Black Love" whether it's Black on Black or Black on "any other race" is still Beautiful! And Kheru many "Black Americans" are mixed with something... Let it go
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By: Fashionedbygod33 on 7/12/2010 5:07PM
I don't get the Beautiful Black Love photo gallery.
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By: David A. Green on 7/12/2010 10:26PM
The subject of “casual dating” is a complex one. Some individuals do not know when to let go. To encourage those with hurt and pain of love gone wrong, I shall attempt to provide you with a few tips on how not to fall into a trap when you begin courting. These are my views, which may not be acceptable to everyone, but this is my opinion about the matter.
I want to begin by saying that a man or woman should not be courting without the intention of marriage. Television and magazines exploit the escapades of movie stars and entertainers who casually date for publicity and prestige. They have no real intention of getting married, and when our youth and young adults are exposed to this, they feel that they have to follow suit. The movie stars and entertainers are not our examples! These people live together with no commitment, and couples with “love nests” are not the appropriate role models for anyone.
In proper dating, if a man respects you, he will not dishonor you for his pleasure. He will honor you because he loves you, not to use you for his own filthy lust. He will not seek an opportunity to take advantage of you just because “you love him so much that you will do anything to make him happy.” He will look for a chance to win you with truth, honesty, and integrity in his dealings with you. Vise versa for the woman.
When a man and a woman begin to date, it is really for the purpose of marrying. Teenagers are too young to be dating because a majority of them are literally unprepared for the pressures of a committed relationship. Boys and girls see others courting and feel that they can do so. But let me tell you, underage dating can be very devastating to teens. When couples begin to pair off, they become attached to each other, an attachment that is sometimes very difficult to break off. How many girls have gotten pregnant by the boyfriend they could not give up? How many boys are in jail right now for sexually assaulting girls that they could not let go of? There are teens who become very depressed and suicidal over failed relationships. Then there is the physical abuse that some suffer at the hands of their partners. Some have died from it. This all comes from dating without the purpose of marriage.
I would also like to point out that when it comes to courting, it should not take more than three months to determine whether a man or a woman are compatible for marriage. I talked to a young woman years ago and she told me that she was “almost married”, and she already had a baby with her boyfriend (I wonder how many she has now?). It does not take a year, two or three to figure out a man or a woman. It does not even take six months. You can tell whether or not a person is good for you within three months or less. If it takes longer than that to make up your mind, then you need to stop dating each other and look elsewhere for a spouse.
Another good old fashioned standard of courting is to always be accompanied by a chaperone when out together. You are never too young or to old to be chaperoned. If you are in a situation where you cannot find chaperones, date where the public can see you. Malls, department stores, restaurants with plenty of open view. I know a young man who used to date his fiancé on public transportation because they did not have a car. Never find yourselves alone in cars, houses, offices, or anywhere that your activities cannot be witnessed by others. That lessens temptation which can easily lead to regret.
Finally, when it comes to being affectionate with your date, men are usually controlled by what they see, but women are usually controlled by touch. It is the touch of a man that has caused many women regret in the dating game. It is through that touch that women have thrown themselves into the arms of men who have used and abused them. Something as simple as a kiss, or holding hands have created everlasting regret when a man and a woman fall into sexual intercourse behind it.
These are just some of my views on how to not become a victim of the casual dating circuit which I publish in my novels on elderdavidagreen.com. Don't be a victim of the dating game.
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By: Angella on 7/13/2010 4:37PM
Awesome read - I've soooo been there. Unfortunately it was a terrible 'break-up' because he'd invested so much (time I guess, clearly not money).
The pix are a lil suspect though...
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By: Yvonne on 7/18/2010 12:17AM
Relationships are a beautiful thing. Keep your chin up until the right one comes along.
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