I met my boyfriend 3 1/2 years ago, but we did not become official until a year ago. I'm 26 and he is 23. I have a 16 month old that loves and calls him daddy, but he has no biological children. We met through the internet and back then he was just so perfect; all I wanted and all I dreamed. Years went by when we lost contact, then found each other again, and each meeting was sweeter than the last. The last time we lost contact, I met someone else and got pregnant. When we spoke again I let him know, and since the biological father wasn't around, he stepped up. We finally met about 4 months after my son's birth and it was beautiful. He loved me, and I loved him...you know that new puppy love feeling? He moved to the east coast to be with me but then the fights started within 2 months. He found an old love letter among other papers, not hidden just a pile I didn't go through, and a picture in a phone I didn't use. I've done all I could to alleviate his insecurities but the fights escalated to other things. He would say things like "I can't take this" or "I don't want to be in this relationship" or "I can't stand you". After each fight I get that same talk "baby I'm going to change, you'll see". I moved out west with him, thinking all the fights were due to his lack of employment, but after only a week of peace, the fights started again. What did we do to get here and how do I fix it?

Keturah
It sounds like a case of "my way or the highway," in which you are both vying for control of the situation and hurting each other in the process. You are both young parents, and your inexperience and fear is driving you to find safety and security through control. There is no place in a loving, adult relationship for threats. Throwing a temper tantrum and threatening to walk out each time you don't get your way is childish behavior. You have both taken on the responsibility of being parents, so it's time to stop acting like children and be there as adults for your son. You both leaped into this instant relationship with your eyes wide shut. You didn't create a foundation and that is why you are fighting. Before a couple enters into a committed relationship and has children they have to discuss and work out what kind of marriage they want to have, and how they want to raise their kids. What religion should your child be brought up with? What methods of discipline do you agree upon? How were you both raised and what did you learn from your parents that you want to pass down to your child? These are just a few thoughts in a sea of questions that need to be answered for you two to be on the same page. Although you two love each other, you don't really know each other. I would recommend that you pick up the book 'Intellectual Foreplay' by Eve Eschner Hogan, and take the time to ask each other every question in this book. When you truly get to know who he is, and he learns who you are, then you can decide if this is the person you want to be with, and if he is the right man to help you raise your son.
I am in a relationship that has gone on for almost two years. My mate and I are employed at the same job; he is a bartender and I am a cocktail server in the casino industry. Our friendship began when we worked together, however I was involved with someone else. His mother passed away and I offered to clean and sort out her personal items, which he did not have the energy to do. Being mistreated by my ex, I began to get closer to my mate. I ended my relationship with my ex, broke my lease and moved in with him. Life seems to be better with this new mate, but there is one obstacle that is very difficult to accept. He is impotent and has made it clear that he will not try and make a change. He began going to get medical attention but stopped and has not continued. I have accepted this situation for over a year, but am now angry because he does not have the desire to sexually please me. I have always felt that if I choose to fulfill my needs, I would be wrong. What does a woman do in a situation like this?

Anonymous

First I must address the fact that you jumped from one relationship into another without taking the time to heal and reconnect with yourself. You were in an abusive relationship with your ex, and most likely you developed emotional deficits and chose a new mate to fill that hole in you, without questioning if he could fulfill your most important needs. Sex is a vital form of connection in a relationship, and you can't blame him for being unable to fulfill your needs when you entered into the relationship knowing full well that he is incapable and unwilling to do so. At this point I would recommend that you have a frank talk with him about what you need to be sexually satisfied and find creative ways to experience fulfillment that he is capable of providing. Impotence is a delicate matter, so be gentle when you broach it with him, while being open and honest about what you like to experience in bed.


Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com