I've been with my boyfriend for six years and we have two kids together. Our problem is our connection with each other. My boyfriend has the type of job where he sometimes goes out of town for maybe two to three days at a time. When he comes home we argue about the little things that are not even worth arguing about. But when he's away, we talk and send text messages on how much we love each other. However, as soon as he comes back, we argue like we never said those sweet things to each other. I'm not cheating on him and I know he's not cheating on me, but why aren't we enjoying each other when he's home? We are both strong headed people and we both have egos and pride. There are things he said I should change about myself and things I want him to change about himself. He says I need to change my attitude and stop being so mean, while I want him to be more romantic and compliment me, and make me feel beautiful. He doesn't talk down to me, he just really doesn't say anything at all about my looks. He says he wants more of my attention and I want more affection from him. How come when we are apart we seem to appreciate each other more, but when we are together we nit pick over everything?
Tracy
This is a common problem with couples who forget to live in the present moment when they are together and who approach their emotional needs in the wrong way. When you are away from each other, your hearts miss one another and the desire to be loved focuses your attention on the moment you will be together again. When you are in each others presence, your needs aren't being met, so you focus on what he is doing wrong and vice versa. You both need to make a list of what you appreciate about each other and read it out loud. You need to clear your mind and focus on being in the present moment with him. Instead of focusing on what's wrong, ask your self what is right about him and what is right about your relationship. Each morning both of you need to pick one thing that you can say and one thing that you can do to express your love and appreciation for each other that day. You don't need to change one another, you just need to teach each other what you need in order to feel loved.
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MB
If he has not been true then you have a major red flag. Your intuition is screaming "Danger! Danger!" and from the sound of it, you are only half listening. If he has not been true and is not "in" love with you after two years, then what makes you think anything will change? I know you think that you are the one for him but is he really the one for you? It sounds like this is a case of friends with benefits and he isn't taking you as seriously as you may think. You need to ask yourself what you are looking for in a relationship and what type of man you want in your life. You have to value yourself and know your worth and if you do that you will give your heart to a more deserving man who will love and appreciate you.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (11)
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By: redbonesess on 7/02/2010 3:31PM
maybe you need to add a little spice to the relationship; when he arrives home from one of his business trips, try having a romantic date set up for him. Provide lavender and vanilla scented candles, maybe his favorite full course meal and throwing together a mixed CD of slow songs that mean something to the both of you and watch how things turn out. He will probably give you plenty of affection.
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By: mattiyu on 7/03/2010 9:19AM
Thanks! Newbie here. I will share this magazine with my friends on a great dating site called “BlackWhiteKissing.com”
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By: inez on 7/02/2010 6:50PM
Scenario # 2
IF I could look up in the dictionary the meaning of the word delusional; your picture would be next to the definition.
WHAT MORE DOES THIS MAN HAVE TO SAY AND DO TO YOU FOR YOU TO SEE THAT HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. Let us look at the obvious clues that he has given you
1) He has stepped out on his ex wife who also stepped out on him
2) He indicates that he is a free man and that he only loves you BUT is not in love with you.
3( According to your own words you have been there for him BUT he has not been there for you.
4) He lives on the East coast ; you live on the West coast.
My dear long distance relationships are hard enough and are even harder when the person you are interested in has already told you that he only loves you BUT is not in love with you and has not been there for you and has a history of possibly stepping outside of relationships
YOU MAY BE IN LOVE WITH HIM AND HAVE DELUDED YOURSELF TO BELIEVE THAT HIS SO CALLED GREAT FREINDSHIP AND BEDROOM SKILLS MAKE THE NEED TO BE ALL CONSUMMED BY HIM BUT DEAR THAT IS NOT THE CASE.
HE HAS COME OUT OF A MARRIAGE THAT RESULTED IN BOTH PARTIES STEPPING OUT ON EACH OTHER. HE NEEDED SOMEONE TO LICK HIS WOUNDED PRIDE BUT HE RELISHES HIS FREEDOM - NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AND YES HE LOVES THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A SICK PUPPY FOR HIM AND BECAUSE OF THAT HE CAN USE YOU. BUT HE WILL NEVER BE IN LOVE WITH YOU - SO STOP HOLDING ON TO SOME PIE IN THE SKY DREAM. MOVE ON AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE AND BE IN LOVE WITH YOU AND NOT JUST USE YOU AS A TRANSITION OR REBOUND.
MOVE ON AND MOVE HIM OFF YOU TELEPHONE, E- MAIL, BLACKBERRY AND I- POD . RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AND STOP BEEN SO DELUTIONAL. YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM BE IN LOVE WITH YOU AND WAITING AROUND FOR CHANGE IS ALLOWING SOMEONE WHO COULD LOVE YOU TO PASS YOU BY,
BEST OF LUCK FOR THE FUTURE.
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By: Laura-Leezy on 7/03/2010 10:16AM
I couldnt agree with you more!!..this guy is obviously using her!...and I have to add this one extra point..if he lives across the country..chances are, his "great friendship" is a lie. he's faking it to get his ego boosted. its shameful..but its so apparent he is not interested in being serious...move on honey..you deserve better!!
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By: sheshe on 7/03/2010 12:34PM
You put it very well but you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. She will hear you speaking but of course not listen. She apparently doesn't think she deserves any better so she instead holds on to some type of fantasy. I do disagree with the fact that he is using her. He has put his cards on the table and has told her the truth, she is the one that refuses to believe him and thinks that she can change his way of thinking, so she is really playing herself in this matter.
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By: OOOZZZZZ on 7/03/2010 12:57PM
This is the typical situation of two people who got married, have kids, live under the same roof but live independently apart from each other in their own ego filled and prideful minds minds and not thinking collectively as one.
She wants romance, candle light, wine and roses and he wants a scantly clad, hyper sexed stripper wife to be "at the ready" waiting for him at his each and every beckon call when he gets home...plus a home cooked meal after she rushes home from a hard day's work..
They each have these day-time soap opera, dream filled selfish fantasy expectations of what the other person is supposed to do in order to please them. "He/she is supposed to do this and that for me", "I expect this", "I expect that" all the time and when those things don't happen that way, then it's fighting and arguing all the time. He bitches about his job and she bitches about taking care of the kids and the home.
So no matter the circumstances stress and strain surrounding each other's daily/work situation or their immediate feelings, they both sound like Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" "MAKE ME FEEL BETTER"
In other words, they never took the time to know and understand each other as individuals. They don't really respect each other, don't support each other (unless it's something in it for me) don't talk to each other and don't know how to effectively communicate.
What they need to do forget all the fluff for the moment and TALK to each other, which seems to be the one thing that couples (married or singles) do not really know how to do. Everything is filled with materialistic stuff (the stuff that matters to each other) that overshadows or cover the art of having an honest and true conservation.
You can buy all the stuff you want, the jewerly, take trips or wine dine and romamce all you want but if you fail to talk to and understand each each other, then the relationship continues to go in circles and adds to the strain.
Quit being "it's all about me and he ain't, she ain't etc", two separate individuals in the marrige and work on your oneness. Stop being so individually hard headed, selfish, ego/materialistically driven.
Start to do what was never when you met, got together and decided to get married. Communicate and get to know each other.
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By: KeepingIt Real on 7/03/2010 2:58PM
Tracy and MB,
Dating or mating the wrong person can and often destroy everything in a relationship. The problem that I see most is that very few men and women have developed the necessary assessment tool to apply to their relationship - especially prior to the commitment. Questions should be asked beforehand like: Tell me about your past relationships? What went wrong and why? Who was the problem? Why was the other person the problem? What role did you play or didn't play and why? Why did you ultimately brake up? Why would things be different with me? With so many availables, why are you interested in me? What is your goals in dating me and why? Tell me what you like about your career and why? How do I fit in? What do I need to do to please you? These are the type of questions that you can asked to determine if you should have an interest in that person. Also, visit the family to identify potential flawed biological traits that may be present in the person you are talking to as a potential dating or mating candidate. You'll be surprised what you may find out!!
These are just some of the questions that author Lord Quincy Dowdell suggest in his new brakeout book "Looking For A Good Man Meanwhile Having Fun With All The Wrong One." For you sisters out there, there's a hot chapter called "How To Fix A Man They Way You Want Him." You can get information on the book by sending an email to him at ldowdell99@aol.com or to Appleusbooks@hotmail.com. Tracy and MB, I would encourage you to find out as much as you can about the above referenced book as I believe it will help heal repair any bad relationship experiences that you had.
KeepingItReal
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By: Fashionedbygod33 on 7/03/2010 6:43PM
Hmm.....the question that you suggest a man or woman pose, "with so many availables, why are you interested in me"? sounds like a put-down of thre person asking. Maybe it is worded wrong, but if a man or woman knows his or her worth and that he or she has it going on in the mind, heart and in their character, then a question like that is backwards.
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By: kieraht on 7/07/2010 12:51PM
Scenario #1: You are experience the typical ups and downs of a long distance relationship. The highs of romance and missing the other followed by the lows of the nuisances of everyday life. When you are apart you can live the fantasy, but when dude is home reality crashes in around you. It seems your expectations are slightly unrealistic. Who is going to argue about the garbage and dirty socks from hundreds of miles apart? It's about how you two deal with issues that upset you that will make or break your relationship. Grow up and in the midst of the petty squabble call it like is. It's petty and getting in the way of you all getting to the loving you both seem to crave from each other.
Scenario #2 - This man is using you. You were a soft place to land when he finally left his mate. Sadly, he didn't leave his mate for YOU. And he ain't your friend. A friend wouldn't have lead you on and kept you hanging like this. He is selfish and you'd be a fool to stay around. He has told you in no uncertain terms - YOU ARE NOT THE ONE! Appreciate his honesty, accept the truth, and don't let the doorknob hit ya on the way out.
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By: Yvonne on 7/18/2010 12:17AM
Relationships are hard sometimes. Just always keep in mind how sad you feel when he's gone & appreciate the little things.
Stay beautiful...
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