My husband has been having an 18-year-long affair with an older woman. I am his second wife and have only been married to him for five years. After catching him red handed through cell phone calls, he had no choice but to admit his cheating. He has told me every last terrible detail of the affair and it is killing me. I don't know if I will ever get over this or if this marriage will make it. He has since ended it with her and wants to make it work between us. I don't know if I can. Help!

-LisaLet me get this straight. He has been cheating and disrespecting you for your entire relationship and marriage, and now he wants you to give him the respect he never gave you? He wants you to trust that he has actually ended it with his lover and now wants to make it work with you? If he is so committed to your marriage and wants to make it work, why didn't he end the affair before he got caught? It's way too little, way too late. Your husband didn't want to give up his cheating lifestyle for you and he is only choosing to do it now because of the threat of losing everything. What makes him any different from the man who has been betraying your trust and putting you at risk for the last five years? Nothing. As for making it work, do you want to spend the next three years in marriage counseling rebuilding the trust, love, and intimacy that he so easily squandered? An 18-year affair means he cheated on his first wife, cheated on his second wife and probably cheated on a handful of other women. Do you really believe he is ready to become a faithful husband?


I have been with this man for eight months and just recently caught him on the phone with his ex-wife. They were having phone sex. About four months after we started dating I confronted him about phone calls he was getting late at night. He told me it was his crazy ex, but that he ignores her calls and in time she would go away. I asked him why he didn't just put his foot down and make it clear to her that he's moved on and she needs to stop calling. He said he owed her some money from the divorce, and, just like any bill collector, she will always find a way to hunt him down until that money is paid off. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, since I had no evidence that it could be anything else. It seems that this has probably been going on all along. It has devastated me and I have so many unanswered questions. Was it bad timing? Was he not ready for a serious relationship like I was?

Why couldn't he be honest from the beginning if he was not over his ex? I would have gotten out of the picture from the start. It has only been a week, but I have yet to get a phone call apologizing for what has happened. Does this mean he really is a liar and a cheater and there just isn't any hope for a relationship?

-Iris

There are no amount of answers that are going to soothe the wound that this man has inflicted upon your heart. He is a liar and a cheater, and his unapologetic actions are sending you the message that he doesn't care. This is selfish, hurtful behavior that was done consciously, which lets you know just how much he values you. I know you are in a lot of pain, but you will heal and move past this. Don't waste any more of your precious energy and love on this man. End the relationship now and spend the next six months focused on healing yourself. There are millions of men in the world that are faithful, trustworthy and ready for a relationship with one woman, so throw this one back in the sea and keep fishing.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com