Luv Coach Q&A: Selling Yourself Short

I met a woman while I was stationed in the service in 1982. We dated for a few months and then got married. Within the first couple of months she became pregnant. Prior to our getting married, she had to first break it off with a boyfriend that she claimed was an on and off again situation. After we were married her former boyfriend returned to their hometown, and they immediately began seeing each other again. Within a couple of weeks, we separated, she moved back to her parents, and they started sleeping together. She terminated the pregnancy and we divorced. Just last year, she contacted me and we started a long distance relationship. We have seen each other from time to time. She has been separated from the same guy for 3 1/2 years. She said it was a very abusive and explosive relationship for most of their marriage. To this day, she still allows him to control many of the situations that involve their family. Their kids hate their father. I have issues on so many fronts. How does a person even begin to work through this, or is the broken trust just too much to overcome? If I want to be with her, I would be required to move 2 states away. On one recent visit, the police had to be called, and my life was threatened. Is it crazy?

Dan F.
It sounds like you are in desperate need of love, and that deficit is driving you to get it from anywhere you can, even if it is detrimental to your well being. The old adage, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, can definitely be applied here. Let me lay it out for you as I see it. You gave your heart to a woman, and she lied to you, cheated on you, aborted your baby, broke your marriage vows and chose another man. Fast forward 28 years, and she enters into the picture bringing the same baggage. Aside from time, this picture has not changed, so why do you think this scenario is going to be any different? Her ex is still in the picture, which makes your relationship a threesome. You are falling into the rescue trap. She is turning to you to rescue her and her children from an abusive relationship, and this has placed you in harms way. You are repeating past mistakes. You entered into this relationship too quickly, without truly knowing who you were getting involved with and you got burned. Why would you choose to do it again by moving two states away. I would advise you to cut ties and move on. Your ex has to learn from her own mistakes, and pulling you into the fray of an abusive situation lets you know that she is not concerned for your well being. She may be 'separated' from her ex, but she isn't divorced, and this is the same behavior she showed 28 years ago. Her husband still plays an unhealthy role in her life, and like before it is an on again, off again relationship. She is an unavailable woman, so get out while you can, and look for someone who is healthy, available, and ready to love you the way you deserve.

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My man, who is 65, is retired and I will be retiring from teaching this year. We had been dating 1 1/2 years and were in a committed relationship. He complained to his sister in Florida and she offered to fix him up with a woman when he visited there. He agreed and had a sexual relationship, then called me because he "felt so bad." He described the affair vividly and now it is hard for me to feel the same about him. I never thought about him cheating before; now it enters my mind frequently. He wants to become engaged. I don't want to lose him, but am uneasy and wondering if his affection is "love". How can you make plans to meet and then cheat on someone if you love them? How can I know what to do in a situation like this?

Grace D

It sounds like you two are on completely different pages in this relationship. The fact that he sought out a sexual relationship, means that he didn't value the relationship he was in. Calling to tell you and describing it vividly sounds like he set out to purposely hurt you and wanted to rub it in your face. This is a form of control, and he is sending you the message that he can hurt you. Purposely taking an action that hurts the person you love and then saying he "felt so bad" is manipulation. These are all warning signs of an abusive relationship. The fact that he now wants to get engaged is not a sign of his love, but rather ownership and control over you. Take a good look at his behavior and see if you can decipher any other ways in which he tries to control or manipulate you. I would recommend that you take a break from this relationship, and spend some time thinking about what kind of man you really want in your life. Don't allow the fear of being alone to drive you into the arms of a man who has chosen to purposely hurt you.

Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com