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Pridy
The marriage is only over if you want to it to be. You entered into this marriage with the knowledge that your husband is a virgin, and therefore would not be experienced in the sack. That made you his one and only teacher. So if he is lousy, then that reflects poorly on both of you. If you want to save your marriage then you two need to take sexual education classes with a professional so that he can learn how to pleasure you. This will boost his confidence and leave you with a smile on your face. Thirdage.com has a free 'Master your sex life' class, that will teach you to experience new levels of sexual intimacy. Attend a couples sexploration class and give it all you've got before choosing to walk away. If you choose to stay, I recommend that you work with a coach to address the negative perception you have of your husband and learn how to help build his self confidence and self esteem.
Follow Rebecca Brody on Twitter @LuvCoach
I have been married for 13 1/2 years, am the mother of three and have been having problems with my marriage from day one. We argued on our wedding day and had the worst night during our honeymoon. He drank so much that he fell, threw up and passed out in the jacuzzi. Since that night, the marriage has been pure hell. We have had fights that led me to serve time in jail. We have separated twice, the longest being for three years. I cheated on him several times because the sex is so bad. I only do have sex with him so he can pleasure himself and leave me alone. During our three year separation I fell in love with another man, but that turned out to be one of the biggest mistakes of my life, because he treated me like crap. I am now back with my husband and I can't seem to find my way back to truly loving him as a wife should love her husband. I pray, I tried talking to a counselor thinking that she would get me past all the negative feelings I have towards this marriage. I love my husband but I prefer not to be married. He loves me unconditionally, and he is a great father, but I find myself disliking him because he doesn't do anything with me without the kids. I see all of these other couples doing things, but his idea of our time together is sitting in front of the computer or video game and having sex when he is ready. And when the time comes for us to do it, I pretend like I am asleep so that he won't touch me. My husband is in the military so where ever he goes, I go. The kids love it, but I am truly miserable in this whole situation. Can you tell me what to do?Carolyn
It sounds like you already made a decision and you are asking me to validate it. Although your husband sounds like a lazy lover who doesn't feel the need to keep the romance alive, and you feel you have exhausted every solution out there, you need to understand that your problems have more to do with you and your choices. The fighting and your issues didn't suddenly appear on your wedding day. They were there before that, but you chose to ignore them and enter into this marriage anyway. You are driving blind through life, and when you were separated from your husband you chose another man who treated you just as poorly. You need a therapist to help you see what is really going on with you. Someone who can work with you to assess the deep rooted psychological reasons that you choose these types of men to be a part of your life. Take some time to work on you, and discuss everything with your therapist before you decide to uproot your life and that of your children. As for quality time spent with your husband, be pro-active. Let him know that you two will be going on a date night once a week and that dressing up is mandatory. Call a sitter, pick a restaurant and choose an activity that is interactive. If you find in the end that married life just isn't for you, then you can walk away knowing you did everything possible.
Have a question for the Luv Coach? Brody@TheLuvCoach.com
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (11)
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By: Observer on 5/27/2010 2:43AM
Pridy, it's obvious you don't love this man anymore, it's no fun for you or him to live in a sexless marriage. Get out while you still can, you only get one life to live so there is really no sense in wasting it in a marriage you have already checked out of. I don't care what kind of training this man gets, if you are not attracted to him these is no motion in the ocean that will get your juices flowing again.
Carolyn, 13 1/2 years? Really? I don't mean to be harsh but obviously you must have very low self esteem. I agree with Rebecca, he didn't turn into Mr. Ahole on your wedding night, you must have felt that this is the level of man you deserved and decided to ignore all of the warning signs and stay with this man. So many women seem to have this irrational fear of being alone. You can't expect anyone to respect you if you don't even respect yourself and it's evident that you don't respect yourself judging by the caliber of man you choose to associate yourself with. Leave your husband and learn to accept your self by being alone for a while. I would suggest you try to remain friends with your husband for the sake of the children, organize joint custody and keep things civil.
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By: john on 5/27/2010 8:03AM
For Pridy and Carolyn, we only hear your side, however, since you have everything to gain in any situation in this country-the children, the home, child support, maybe spousal support, etc. It is beneficial for you to leave. Now, if our legal system was gender-neutral and fair, you would have considered your choices of husbands more seriously knowing you had a great chance of losing any children you had with the men you chose, and you having to pay child support, etc. to the fathers. Be it as it may, rejoice--you are in America, and not an Islamic Country which benefit fathers over wives.
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By: johnny on 5/27/2010 8:36AM
We husbands have to deal with our wives overly used up [you know what]. You could push a two liter coke container in it before you could feel any tension. So, we husbands discover our wives are used up after marrying them. Try to hope it changes, never does. Only surgery can help this problem, yet husbands can't tell wives this without causing problems. So, the problem in the bedroom could be our disinterest. Just there to be with the children, and suffer from the lack of sexual satisfaction. If you leave, you lose everything by law.
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By: dee on 5/27/2010 7:17PM
you sound like a immature pig !! these women have had children by these men an now you called them used up ? you have to be one of those men who is well below the 5 1/2 to 6 inches consider normal size for a man's penis. maybe your the one who need surgey beside just like men all women are built different vagina wise you insenstive jerk.
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By: ralph on 5/28/2010 2:06PM
Johnny there is really no such thing as a woman being used up, no matter how many dudes she's had sex with. I hate to burst your bubble, but even she's only had one man before you, if the other dude's penis was much bigger than yours, then that's the bigger size that her vagina is used to stretching to. Ya understand?
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By: dvine on 5/27/2010 12:56PM
i don't get it.. if you neither of you want 2 be with your husbands than leave so you won't be complaining miserable wives.
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By: john on 5/27/2010 9:52PM
By: dee on 5/27/2010 7:17PMNeutral you sound like a immature pig !! these women have had children by these men an now you called them used up ? you have to be one of those men who is well below the 5 1/2 to 6 inches consider normal size for a man's penis.>>> ooooh, I hit your nerve; didn't I. Sorry, your complaint misses the fact that after marriage. you see some men don't get it until afterwards. some only get it after weeks or months before marriage--you know as the woman body tightens up from non-use. Women are smart; they know their issues, so playing the hard to get game is a part of allowing their special parts re-tightens before giving it up again. However, after marriage when the sexual actions or more abundant and long periods of delays are nolonger appropriate--her secret is discovered unless she uses a special herb. I won't identify it here because I won't add an alternative to the coke-cola syndrome.> A jerk? oooh again, a nerve hit, again, like I said, men keep this to themselves to avoid an issue. Your response to what I have stated is proof, and trust me, many women who have children are GREAT in bed. They, I guess are wiser about taking care of their bodies and special place than the few who live off the excuse, "I had a baby" for every thing that happens to them in their lives. Hey, insensitive should go both ways don't you think. Oh, that's right, men don't deserve excuses, etc. They have no reason not to produce on demand. : ).Oh, I would talk about my member, but that would only cause you to look for another area to try and attack.
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By: tenderleaves on 5/28/2010 11:06AM
I think there are men who don't take the responsibility of intimacy seriously. These men can be selfish, ignorant to a woman's body and needs, and they can make the sexual experience a dreadful lacking exercise. Just because they are men does'nt automatically make them amzing lovers. They have to learn. Lovemaking should be a beautiful fulfilling experience for both partners. However there are men who have real problems like premature ejaculation, inability to maintain an erection, impotency, phobias about certain sexual acts, and so on, some men just want to jump on it and get relieved and roll over.
Some of these men need professional help to deal with their sexual dysfunctions, but many of these men will never seek medical attention, and some poor woman is stuck with him and this problem.
Some men just need a woman who is patient and willing to help him to learn her body and how it operates, and introduce him to wonderful experinces that can be fulfilling for both. But the man has to be willing and see this as important.
I believe that men and women both have a responsibility in their relationship if they want a fulfilling sex life. You have to care enough about your partner, and be willing to do whats necessary for their happiness and fulfillment, but you both have to talk and be honest about your needs, and be in agreement about what you're willing to do to satisfy each other.
If you're having a lousy time in bed, and you're not willing to stop, talk, and come together with a plan to do whats needed- then nothings going to change and you're going to be frustrated and unfulfilled(who knows what that frustration may lead you to do).
I hope people with these issues realize that there is hope for lousy lovers, woman stop lying to them by telling them they're great in bed when you know they're not, and be honest with him about your needs and be willing to help him to explore the intimate parts of your body that bring you pleasure. Enjoy each others bodies because the human body is totally beautiful and amazing, and remember pleasure and intimacy is more than just the sex act,,, so much more
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By: johnny on 5/29/2010 12:12AM
By: ralph on 5/28/2010 2:06PMNeutral Johnny there is really no such thing as a woman being used up,>>> I was waiting on you. You are what is called, "a Clarence Thomas" Or "Uncle Tom". You jump in like a good ole dog to protect a Master even when you are being abused. YOu need to read about the "cardboard test" relating to female sexual part down stairs. See you in the slaves quarters, our masters are having a watermelon party and we have to serve the finest foods them and eat the leftovers after everything is over.
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By: Elaine on 5/30/2010 7:49PM
i am a 43yr old female i have been dating the father of my two kids for the past 8yrs. we were engaged he call it off. he has been very secretive about his phone calls, he would tell his co-workers and his friends about me saying the relationship not going good.His friends has encouraged him in the past to leave me and his co-workers he said wanted to sleep him. He has been in contact with his ex girlfriend from the beginning of the relationship until now.whenever i question him about certain things that does not seem wright he would get upset and tell me its not true.the relationship as been on and off through the yrs.many times i have decided not to have anything to do with him because he is not telling me the truth he never assure me that i am the one for him and that he only loves me. he would friend me up and tell me he misses me and that he ate when i am upset with him and things would be pathed up but go back a couple months back to the same. i never fell like i was apart of his life.he has put on face book his relationship is complicated and my space all that matter to him is kids, he is single and that he loves the ladies.nothing was ever mention that he loves me. this man have living with me day to day, sleep and have sex together, we laugh together but he was just playing with my feelings and emotions all along.when we moved to florida i found he had naked pictures of his exs and a friend he said he never had sex with, a picture and a letter fr an ex co-worker staying she missed him and she loves him. all of which he hid fr me when i questioned about it he was upset those r some of the reason he called off the engagement.there are so much things that does not add up. i have put the pain for so many yrs behind me and focus on the present with him many times but the relationship did not go anywhere. i would asked him what plans he has for us or if we are going to get marry and he would choose not to go into it. he told me he does not have the desire to get marry but he wants me to keep living with him be intimate as this was ok.i have recently decided that this man does not love me nor was i apart of his life.he seldomly help me with the kids and most of the times i am the one taking care of things,making decision and planning. he rarely show any interest.lately he has been very disrespectful to me .He asked a question and i told him i did not know so he responded "what do i care he could drop down dead so i could go out with my man at church. i did not respond. later fr a early conversation with him about he not help out he got upset and called me a dumb ass and an hass hole i told him not to speak to me in that matter and he continue. i told he not spking to the girls he is feeling up at night he did not take that well.i want to know how is it right what he said to me and what i said wrong. i have love this man through the good and the bad he has done me and have been a committed person to him.he said he can't believe he stood with me this long i know this was the last straw for me. he packed his things and moved out and we had just rented an apartment together. I have tried to give my kids a good life and a good person to this man but i was loving someone that did not love me back. please let me know where i went wrong and was i wrong things that did not seem right.
Merlene
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