Luv Coach Q&A: I want Love!

I want love, but the fear of not being able to have it makes me stop reaching for it. I will play it safe, and then be disappointed when things don't work out. I am not disappointed in the result, but rather that I didn't go for it 100%. I have a 0% history of getting the girl. I do want love, but sometimes I wonder if I'm not being patient enough. Have I seen enough success? What have I done in life? Who have I seen? I don't know everyone out there. What if I choose the wrong one? I always tell myself I'd rather have one girl who is down for me, and I'm down for her and we're a team, than a whole bunch of beautiful girls that have no sense of loyalty and who I can't connect with mentally. The problem is when I have followed my instincts, it usually goes bad. There are two girls that I like right now, and one has a slammin' body and she is sweet. With the other her body isn't as obvious, but to be honest I was attracted to the way she carried herself. She is real cool, calm and collected. I honestly look forward to coming to school just to see her, and it's been awhile since I had this feeling. I don't know if she has any feelings for me though. I am now trying to see if I am attracted to who the girl is, or what the girl looks like. I really don't have techniques on meeting women I just live my life and if I bump into a girl who I think is attractive I'm like wow, but I don't really go past the wow point because I don't want to mess it up! What are your thoughts?

Joe K
First: You must address your fear of approaching a woman. You have a gremlin, a voice in your head that sends you negative messages. Your gremlin is telling you that you are not good enough, and this instills fear in you, and limits you from asserting yourself in the dating world. You need to counteract your gremlins negative message by creating a new positive message. You need to start repeating to yourself "I am good enough!", "I am great". I want you to come up with three positive messages that define what makes you great. They should start with "I am..." Carry these messages around with you and repeat them often. Second, when you are interested in several girls and you are trying to figure out who would be best for you based on first impressions, I want you to use the tri-method. The tri-method analyzes a potential partner in a first impression situation based on head, heart, and erogenous zones. Head: Do you connect mentally? Does the conversation come easily? Can you discuss like minded topics? Does she spark your mind? Heart: Are you feeling butterflies in your tummy? Does she make you smile when you see her? Does she light up your day? Do you have the feeling that you can't wait to see her again? Erogenous: Are you physically drawn to her? Does she turn you on? Are you both flirting with each other? Is the sexual chemistry strong? Use the tri-method as a tool when you first meet someone, and if you connect on all three levels then proceed to getting to know her better.

I walked in on my partner with someone else. They didn't have intercourse but it was close enough. We have been together for six years and committed to the standard requirements that would make up a normal healthy relationship. She keeps saying that it was nothing, and she was just intoxicated. She refuses to own up to what she did, and as much as I want to forgive her, I just don't know if I can if she isn't willing to admit her wrongdoing.

June L.

This is an issue and it must be addressed if you two are going to continue building a strong and healthy relationship. Your partners avoidance and denial of what happened will continue to fester until you end up catching the crazy, so you need to make a tough decision. As you mentioned before, you two have set requirements and one of them is fidelity. When you first set this requirement what repercussions did you create if it were to be broken? Now is the time to enforce the boundaries you set in the beginning. If that means you need to separate for a little while or take a break, then stick to your guns. Your partner has broken a requirement, and if you don't adhere to the repercussions set out originally then you send the message that it is okay to break requirements and cross boundaries. I know it's not easy, but you have to let your partner know that you will not tolerate disrespect, cheating, denial, and broken requirements.

Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com