Luv Coach Q&A: How to Forgive

I was with my son's mother for seven years when I became addicted to drugs, and she started messing with a guy from work. We got back together and then I went to prison for two years. While I was in prison we were broken up, and she slept with a handful of men. Now I have my life together, we are back together and things are great. I love her but I can't get over this and it is affecting me deeply. What should I do?

Mike
You are having trouble forgiving because you are holding onto resentment and your selfish nature is only seeing this situation from your own perspective. It's time to do an exercise called 'switch shoes'. Imagine stepping out of your shoes and stepping into your partners shoes. I want you to go back to when the trouble started and see the world, the situation, and yourself through her eyes. You have a son to support and take care of and your partner, the person who is supposed to support you, be your love in life and help you raise your son, is now addicted to drugs. What do you see? Who is this person who values drugs and his own pleasure over his son and you? Imagine that your love gets arrested and is being sent away for years. How would you feel? What choices would you make for yourself and for your child? Would you wait for this man who has behaved so selfishly that he recklessly threw away your love and the opportunity to be a father, or would you go out and find someone who will value and respect you the way you deserve? Do you find a father figure who will teach your son what it means to take responsibility in life, or will you choose to wait and wait and wait for a man who was more devoted to getting high? This is no longer just about you. You are responsible for your son, and he comes first so every decision has to take him into consideration. Do you want to be the person who believes they are only good enough to be with someone who doesn't respect themselves? Anytime you are struggling with forgiveness, I want you to do this exercise. Remember that people do the best they can with what they know in any given situation. She was doing what she thought was best. As a father and a husband it's no longer just about you.

I just recently got a divorce due to my husband cheating. He of course is now admitting his mistake instead of blaming me for his actions. I know who I am and don't need time to find who I am. Matters of the heart don't mean you don't know who you are. I checked myself on some of the things my ex-husband said I did and that still doesn't measure up to cheating but some things I know I could have done better as a spouse. He is continually apologizing and stating he knows he made a huge mistake but did it in part out of anger. Is staying apart even though I still love him the best thing or what?

Marre

It sounds like you both learned some hard lessons during this experience, and you have obviously grown from it. Your husband was originally unable to take responsibility for his poor choice, but now that he has had time to reflect, is now admitting his mistake. As to whether or not you should see him again, that is entirely up to your requirements and his sincerity in actually changing. A major requirement for you is fidelity, and he broke it. Do you want to be with a man who intentionally hurt you? His realization that he made this choice out of anger is great, but what is he doing to learn to deal with his anger without resorting to childish and damaging behavior? Its not enough to talk the talk, you have to learn to walk the walk. The same advice goes for you. You realized that there were things you could have done differently, so what are you doing to work on and change that old behavior? When choosing a partner, you have to find a balance in your love zones, the head, the heart, and the erogenous . It sounds like you miss him, and your heart is aching. That feeling is driving you to want to be with him again, but let your brain weigh in and ask yourself if this man is really worthy of you. Check in with your erogenous zone and see if you are still attracted to him physically. If all three zones agree then you have your answer.

Life Coach Rebecca Brody Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com