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Vivian
There is nothing more painful than the betrayal of the one you love and the uncertainty as to whether or not they are being honest. There is definitely something going on between your husband and this young woman. The fact that he sent these photos from his cell phone to his e-mail lets you know that he wanted to get a better look at them. The two of them hugged up in a motel tells you everything you need to know. When men are put in a position of confrontation they will lie to get out of trouble. Your husband is doing just that. Your first instinct, to tell her father, was the right one. If your husband was behaving as a responsible, mature adult he would have brought these photos to you the first time she sent them and asked your advice as to how to deal with it. Since he kept it a secret, he knows that he is doing something wrong. If your husband was being a mature adult who cared for this young woman's well being he would have addressed this issue with her father and let her father talk to her about what is appropriate and what is inappropriate. I would recommend that you both go, as a couple, to see her father and let him know what is going on. It is the responsibility of adults to help children when they go astray. She is 20 and human beings do not fully mature mentally until the age of 24. It is your husband's place and your place to bring it to the attention of her parents, so that she learns that this is not acceptable behavior. Your husband will try to talk you out of doing the right thing, because he is approaching this with his "child's mind." He knows he has done something wrong and is now trying to hide his wrongdoing from the world. He feels embarrassed that his secret is out, and he does not want anyone else to be witness to his inappropriate behavior. You now have to be the adult and make the difficult choice to address it as the mature woman you are, even though your husband will fight you on it. This choice is for the good of your marriage and the mental health of this young woman.
I met a wonderful man, who has treated me, in the last few weeks of dating him, better than any other I've known. I have lived with and had long term relationships with other men, but no one as endearing as this one. He is willing to do almost anything to make me happy, but he has a past, one where he abused his privileges and took advantage of resources for his own personal use. I am falling very quickly and hard for him but there is some degree of mistrust. We met over the internet, and I find myself looking for ads online, only to discover he's not used them for months. The great news is he's paid for his mistakes and rejuvenated himself. I want to get over his past and my previous relationship issues and give him the trust he deserves. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to get hurt either.
Anonymous
Part of learning to love fully means taking the risk to trust someone else with your heart. The key to doing it safely is to take it slow and give yourself enough time to observe him as he interacts with you and with others in his life. This is the testing phase of dating when you want to watch and see if he walks the talk. He claims he has rejuvenated himself, so now you have to pay attention and see if what he says is translating to how he behaves. Are his actions those of a man who is honest and open about his choices? In the process of getting to know him, you should find out what led him to make the choices that landed him in hot water. You want to be aware of any signs that tell you something is different so you can recognize when he begins to go astray. This is the time to be very thorough about finding out who this man is, and if he is truly deserving of your heart.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (208)
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By: Lonsome on 3/05/2010 4:17PM
Grandchildren, 3 at 20, wake up and smell the roses, sure they are his children and your step children.
wow, hit me with a pancake and wake me up!
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By: Belladonna on 3/05/2010 9:04AM
Dump that man! He is a liar and a cheat.
A lepards spots never change, they just get bigger!!
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By: Maggie on 3/05/2010 9:58AM
Been in a similar situation with a husband who wanted to 'help' a young woman who was a close friend of the family. He decided that this person and her kids are why he was put on this earth and has gone totally over the edge. They can have each other and all the baggage that they are each bringing into the relationship. Not convinced the relationship will last because they will undoubtedly get to be suspicious of each other since this relationship started with lies and deception and they will both know that if they were willing to do it to someone else with the other person, there is no reason to believe that eventually they will not be on the receiving end of the same treatment. Why would a man who is nearly 30 years older than the girl involved believe that she won't see him as an old man within just a few years?
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By: mike cattanach on 3/05/2010 2:18PM
Not just men cheat, But women are just as bad I just caught my wife cheating in Las vegas . And he is 8 years younger then me. Hard to find a good women !!!
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By: Phred on 3/05/2010 9:08AM
It is so true that the human brain does not fully develop until the mid 20's. With that in mind if you are under 25 and thinking of getting married; STOP. Thinking of having a baby; STOP. Thinking of buying a car: STOP. Thinking of buying a house; STOP. Thinking of changing jobs; STOP. Parents, friends, family....knock these kids down and sit on them until they are 25. Lock them in their rooms if you must. Nobody, but nobody under age 25 should be making any kind of life changing decision without adult supervision.
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By: Tammy on 3/05/2010 9:30AM
That's a very interesting perspective. My husband and I have been happily married for almost 7 years. I am 25 and, yes, we got married when we were 18. We moved from Illinois to Arizona when we were 19 and bought a house when we were 20. Our daughter was born when we were 21 and our son was born when we were 24. OMG, our lives must be doomed! Funny thing is, my parents were married at a more "acceptable" age (by your standards) and their marriage was a complete and utter failure well before they hit 7 years of marriage. Why? Because of a COMPLETE lack of maturity and responsibility. I know for a fact that I am more mature and "adult" than my father is even now...he's 52 year old. I think that it is ignorant to make such a generalized statement. Everyone is different.
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By: Holly on 3/05/2010 10:30AM
I have to disagree with this statement. I am a 26 year old woman who will be married for 8 years this year. I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. I believe with all of my heart that when I got married, although I was very young, I made a concious and mature decision, and I dont regret a minute of it. No, marriage is not easy, but you do not have to be over the age of 20 to make a mature commitment. I wholeheartedly believe that adults are adults, and yes, what this young girl did is wrong, I admit, but women of all ages have done this sort of thing, and no matter how old a man gets, he also makes the same mistakes. You are an adult by todays standards when you turn 18 and everyday teenagers are rightly accused of making wonderful "adult" decisions and people are proud of them. You cant pull an age out of one hat and stick it on the next person in line and expect it to be a match. Maybe it isnt maturity that caused this girl to make this mistake, maybe it was ignorance and lack of morals. Your morals are not defined by your age, everybodys morals are different, and they usually reflect the morals you were brought up with. I feel like this girl particularly feels neglected. After all, she is 20, has 3 children and apparently is still living with her father, does that sound easy to anyone else? Yes, she made the moves and chioces to get her in her current position, but, I dont think her age has anything to do with it. I get very offended by people that judge me by my age and not my smarts and ability. I didnt have a stamp on my forhead that said "stupid until 25" and Im sure you didnt either.
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By: Katie on 3/05/2010 10:55AM
I married my husband ten years ago this May, and I turned 28 last weekend. Our first child was born when I was 21. I have never and to this day do not regret my decision. I am the oldest of 12 children, and have always been referred to as an "old soul" because I have always been more mature and responsible than my peers. I have taken care of my brothers and sisters since I was seven, and still do. I am currently working on a bachelor's degree in HIT, and I have a 4.0 GPA.
I am not only shocked but offended that such a generalized statement could be made. You cannot say for sure, with the billions of people that live on this planet, that this is fact. There are too many factors that can go into whether someone is mature, and age is only a small part of that. For someone like myself that is very aware of what her goals in life are and has a very straight-forward plan of how to acheive them decides that she met her soul mate at 11 years old and married him at 18, and is responsible and intelligent enough to know what she's doing, then what is this about locking me or others like me up until 3 years ago-what a miserable life that would have been. Shame on you.
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By: Linda albers on 3/05/2010 11:16AM
To all the young wives posting I certainly wish you the best of luck in life and am glad so far things are working out for you. However you are taking offense where none is intended. While it is certainly true that some people are more "mature" than others at any given age it is also true that the human brain (specifically those areas responsible for predicting long term consequences and predicting long term behaviors) have not physiologically "matured" until (on average) the mid twenties. This is not a judgment or put down but simply an anatomical fact. Just as a 12 yr old boy is capable of fathering a child and MAY behave as a wonderful dad doesn't make it a good idea......
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By: Tammy on 3/05/2010 12:23PM
Linda,
The reason that I have taken offense to this has nothing to do with "anatomical fact." I took offense to this because of ridiculous comments like "Parents, friends, family....knock these kids down and sit on them until they are 25" and "nobody under age 25 should be making any kind of life changing decision without adult supervision." Excuse me, but if my parents had still been making all of my decisions for me up until a couple of months ago, I would be screwed up beyond repair. I love them, but I certainly do not agree with half of the decisions that they make for themselves. Being over the age of 25 does not automatically make you all knowing or any more capable of making the "right" decision. Linda, this was written in a very offensive manner, so try not to sound so shocked when people take offense to it.
I know I am sure glad no one sat on me until I was 25. I would have been robbed of a beautiful 7 years. As a matter of fact, the best 7 years of my life.
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