It sounds like this is a sensitive area to broach since your fiancee still treats her son as a young child and is not ready to let her baby leave the nest. This is very typical of mothers who have had to raise their children on their own, and she has been unable to instill in him the role of a man. Your first task should be to get him out of his comfort zone and into trying new things that challenge and broaden his horizon. Plan a boys trip to go camping, white water rafting, and any other activities that teach him the skills to be independent and give him the opportunity to feel accomplished and successful. He is inexperienced and as his father you need to open him up to the possibilities that exist outside of the womb your wife keeps him in. He needs to get involved in activities with other kids his age, and you need to take him around to a few colleges and universities so he can see what other opportunities exist for him. Show him that the world is his oyster, and he just needs to go hunting for his pearl. I would also recommend that you get him a career coach to help him understand his strengths and explore the different jobs he is capable of doing.
As for your future wife, it's time to have the talk that let's her know that you also want the best for her son, and that means letting him grow up and take responsibility for his life. It doesn't mean she is going to lose him, but if she wants her son to grow up and be a highly functioning, happy adult, she needs to cut the strings and let him fly on his own. When you approach her on the topic, ask her what type of man she wanted to raise and what attributes and skills she hoped he would have when he was grown. Ask her to define her idea of a good man, and then ask her how the both of you can help him to reach this potential. You can even share your own stories of success and the great feeling of accomplishment you felt when you were able to afford to buy whatever you wanted at his age, and let her know that you want him to feel just as great. Always present it as the two of you being on the same side and wanting the best for your son, and she will eventually let him be the man he is destined to be.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (8)
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By: garyb109 on 3/05/2010 8:25AM
well he's not like you.
he is new to the area, so i would say that
you could spend time showing him how good
it would be if he was in college
you know like how the girls like a man who,
knows what he wants and you could try to find out what he wants to do and whats on his mind instead of whats on yours also remember he was the man there before you showed up so let him know you're
not trying to take his place .
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By: Sasha on 3/05/2010 10:54AM
That is so true, people always use the "when I was your age, I..." and need to remember that that was good for "YOU" that YOU accomplished things so early. Great. But not everyone has the same testimony.
That isn't meant to be an excuse for him in any way but everyone finds their way differently. He is the eldest and he probably has dealt with his parents divorce/split hardest. He probably feels like an outsider in this new family. And now Mom is with a new man and he has probably never seen her with another man other than his own dad. Who knows? If so, can you imagine how that feels to a child to see Mom intimate with a new man? And being 18 he knows what intimacy is all about and I'm sure that's uncomfortable for him. And if he talks to his bio-Dad, who knows what the topic of conversation is like between them. And I'm sure Mom knows all this which is why she babies him. She feels guilty not being able to give them the life I'm sure she wanted for him...same parents one household.
There is more going on than just him not knowing what he wants to do with his life; he's heavy with all kinds of things that have transpired in his life for the past 18 years now.
I don't know what people think happens between 11:59 pm to 12:00 am when the child finally turns 18 that validates them as a mature adult who has a master plan for his/her life; 1 minute doesn't make a child an adult ready for the world and all it brings. What determines that is the 17 years prior that (parents) should have "prepared him/her" for this new transition season in life.
He definitely needs guidance and preparation but he also needs someone who will dig into his heart and find out what baggage he's carrying upon those 18 year old shoulders that is causing him to feel unmotivated about life. He needs someone to talk to and feel secure with. Heavy changes in life and a new environment doesn't exactly make you feel confident. Instead of wondering why he isn't being a spry young man with a "go get it" attitude, you need to ask how is he doing inside and what can I do to help? Once he has some sense of release, sincere focus, concern, and support around "him," he will become encouraged and motivated (eventually).
He's young and I'm sure intimidated by life and what he is expected to be. Watching other people go for theirs and you have no idea what "yours" is, is hard. And when you have baggage on top of that it's worst. Especially for those that suffer alone. He seems like he does that. And passiveness was sown in him to deal with all of the change in his life. Counseling would be good too for him and the other children as well. Just because non-traditional families are the norm now, doesn't mean that the emotional pain and insecurity they bring no longer rear their ugly heads. They are more prevalent than ever before.
So, remember there is more going on than just a need to get him making some money or out the house. Parental support and encouragement are the KEYS to unlocking the Man in him that has so much potential for success in his life. But you have to "see" him, really "see" him. Get beyond his protective walls. Coach him wisely and build a friendship with him that will last a lifetime.
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By: Jenn on 3/05/2010 1:08PM
Whew...how we make our children suffer on count of us wanting things our way. I didn't read anything about the birth father here. It would be great if you can go back to your wife and children and let this new wife gon on her way. This young man may be slow starting out ...but I say give him time, and do it gently. He may have been his moms strong hand from time to time.. and now hes a lil slow getting used to this new life you and her has put upon him.
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By: Sheryl on 3/05/2010 6:22PM
I am only going to say that I wouldn't have moved my kids across to the street to be with a man I wasn't married to.
What is the man's (because he is NOT a child) to his birth father? My daughter is now, 24...she moved out on her own, when she was 18, after sitting down with us, and talking to us about her needing to find her way in life. She said we had afforded her every oppty to succeed, and she was ready to leave.
This young man is simply a momma's boy, and he is going to stay that way until Momma says differently. Since we are going back to our youth...we were told, we had 6 choices, 5 branches of the military or college....CHOOSE ONE!
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By: aspire2bme on 3/05/2010 10:41PM
Sheryl you need to stop calling this young man a "Momma's Boy". Your daughter was probably trying to get away from you because, as you said in your comment, she moved when she turned 18. Probably heard all her life about your "6 choices". Things are way different for young men than they are for young women. Anyway, to the writer, your fiancee's son is still young. He is probably still trying to figure out what he wants to do: either further his education or start a career. He still has time to make choices. I agree with Sasha we need to stop saying "when I was your age, I..." because everybody does not grow up with the same experiences. And you probably should have married his mother BEFORE you moved in together like the Brady Bunch. You probably added to his confusion. All you really need to do is simply spend time with your fiance's son. Don't approach your fiance with this concern because she is definitely going to let you have it if you do.
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By: Janet Gloss on 3/05/2010 11:26PM
this young man could use the program, that steve harvey has.he teaches young man how to become men contact him at wblS his am show you can sent him an email or a letter(its called a strewberry letter his web site steve harvey morning show,i wish you luck.
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By: Warren D on 3/08/2010 11:13PM
As a man/father, I too know the frustration of trying to instill goals and a work ethic in today's kids.At 18, many truly don't know what to do, or what they want to be, and that's cool - but when you have 24 yr olds content to leech at home - theres a problem. And it's always the mother in these situations, that see nothing wrong with grown (yes grown!) men eating, sleeping,for free - because that's "their baby". Well your "baby" is going to be totally lost (and useless) if something happens to you!
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By: peabody on 3/09/2010 12:11AM
I don't blame the kid. No doubt he's confused, and rightly so. The parents made original vows to their ex's, "till death do us part"! Unless the youth is stupid, he can see they don't know what they want.Besides, they must not be Christians because Jesus says:(Matt.19,9)!The young lad's heart hasn't been polluted, and is pure enough to discern that his gardians are hypocrites and like children themselves!He's probably musing at their iniquities?
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