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Chanel
Lack of communication will lead to stress and strife in your relationship if you do not confront it now. Before you put all the blame on him, you need to be aware of how you are approaching him and the tone of voice you use. He may be reacting to the way you say things and not what you are saying. If he is reacting so intensely when you are talking about something as simple as your day, then the issue is not what you are saying but how you are saying it. Change your approach. If you have a problem, let him know that there is something important that you want to talk about with him, and ask him when would be a good time for you two to talk. It's a good idea to sit down once a week and address any issues or problems in the relationship and work together to solve them. You should also be aware that communication breakdown may result in your emotional needs not being met. As individuals we want our partners to listen and understand us. If we are not being heard, we feel disconnected and unloved. As for the cheating, if you do not have any concrete evidence then you will have to ask him to be honest and answer any questions you have pertaining to why you believe he has cheated. If you want to get professional help before you get married, I recommend Hedy and Yumy Schleifer (www.HedyYumi.org), who can teach you about healthy communication and connection in your relationship.
I have been in and out of a relationship with a married man for three years. He has met my family and acts like it is just me and him, as if his family is not in the mix. However when he is not around I am unable to get a hold of him and always have to call his phone using a blocked number. In the midst of this three-year relationship, I started dating an amazing man, but I could not get away from my married man. This new man treated me with love and respect, but I ruined our relationship because I couldn't stop seeing my married man. The married man is now saying that he is going to leave his wife within the next year and he wants to start a life with me. Though he has made comments in the past couple years about being with me, he has never just come right out and said that he is leaving his wife. There is a part of me that is excited but there is a little voice in the back of my head that questions whether he is being honest. The amazing man that I was not faithful to is a very dear friend of mine now, and I realize that I am in love with him. He has told me more than once that he would never be able to open his heart up to me again like he had before. He states that he loves me but that he cannot trust me enough to ever be in a relationship again. However, there are times when we are together that I see how deeply he cares for me. I have strong feelings for both of these men, and I am just so confused.
Hannah
It's time to get your love life straightened out. You need to let go of this married man, because any man that makes you the runner-up is more in love with himself than with you. As for your "amazing man," you had best let him go to, so that he can find a woman who understands what a great guy he is and will love him unconditionally. Love is not a game, and stringing one mans heart along while you're in bed with another is unconscionable. You may believe that it is okay for your married man to do that to you, but it is not okay to invite others into the mix and hurt them the way your married man is hurting you. Let them both go, and get yourself a therapist to deal with all the emotional baggage that has brought you to this place in your life.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (40)
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By: Jules on 3/06/2010 7:18PM
This is in response to Colleen's comment - It is nice to see that, on occasion, there are people who can articulate their point of view in an intelligent manner such as you. Yours was the first comment that I read that didn't include any misspelled words and I really find it difficult to take anyone's comment seriously if they are unable to spell correctly. I realize that there are always going to be typos but you strike me as the type that knows the difference between "there" and "their". In any event, I agree with your comments. When I was a teenager, I allowed myself to be "less than most important" and now that I am 28, I sometimes feel embarrassed by women who continue to pursue relationships such as these because I really thought that maturity had a lot to do with the status of one's relationship. It is very discouraging to know that there are so many insecure women who put themselves into these situations and I believe they could benefit from your perspective.
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By: Leah on 3/07/2010 11:40PM
You have run on sentences. Furthermore, I don't see an overwhelming amount of comments that are filled with spelling errors. You are out of line, to unfairly insult practically everyone who posted a comment. Your claim is without merit.
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By: Sapphire on 3/07/2010 7:01PM
As for situation 1, you have been with this man for 6 years and your now getting tired of all
the drama, give me a break!! Though if you both
want to try to save this relationship I highly
suggest counselining seperately and together.
As for situation 2, the married man rarely
leaves his wife, you are not his girlfriend
you are just a booty call and will always be
last on the list. Yes, you can't help you fall
for, but please wake up and realize that if he can't be faithful to his wife he will never be faithful to you either. You need to realize you are worth more than this and run away from any
one like this.
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By: Trind on 3/06/2010 7:58PM
Check how you are trying to commuicate your feelings; your tone of voice, expressions, temper, etc...It's better to communicate when the anger has receded..if you looking for a resolution. When he starts getting defensive, don't go there. Maintain your cool. Often, you can reach the person if temper is held in check and you sincerely desire a resolution...not just your chance to express anger. Feelings-yes. Temper-no. That's if you love him. It's not easy. You have a few months to practice. How do you know he has bottled up anger? Is he abusive? If so, girl, run for the hills and don't look back.
Hannah, he's not leaving his wife and if he does...he gonna cheat on you, too. LOL, it's the truth. He must be putting it down good. You are going to do what you wanna, but I hope you don't override your "inner voice" for too long. You'll keep on losing out. Good luck.
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By: kz on 3/06/2010 8:12PM
honey im sorry to say but it sounds like your man has already checked out of the relationship. the truth is it really doesnt matter how you approach him, he doesnt care or appreciate you in the relationship. he is physically with you but mentally and emotionally he is elsewhere and all t are signs that hes really not into you. focusing on other things and more likely than not on someone else. i suggest you look into that and be more aware of what hes doing when he thinks your not around.sounds like hes with you because of the things he is getting by being with you. maybe a nice car,nice home, his bills are being paid, hot meal is serve when he gets home from work,etc... marrying him is not gonna make it better. your gotta end up talking divorce before your first year anniversary. run now before its too late
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By: Joellen Hall on 3/06/2010 9:58PM
To the first writer: Anything negative at this point will escalate after you're married. You'd better rethink this engagement unless you want to wind up married to a person who doesn't want to listen to anything you have to say. And to the second writer: Grow a brain! Any man or woman who cheats while married will eventually cheat on you when you marry him or her. There is NO future with a cheater. If you ever wind up marrying this guy, you're going to be the one sitting home while he cheats on you.
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By: Dee on 3/06/2010 10:01PM
I think you need to think about YOU and what YOU think.If something your talking about is that easily ignored by him , then you are being ignored to.Belive me I,ve been there and done it.I don,t know why he,s hanging around but you don,t need him to make you feel good about yourself.Move him out and you move on. When one person in a relationship thinks they to change it,s like killing a part of youself. Do you like yourself?You,ve probably been existing his way for long you ca,nt remember.Is there really anything wrong with the way you think,talk,communicate,love.work or be you?I doubt it.Please don,t get married and above all please do think that possibly making him a a father will change him.There is nothing wrong with you and to ???? this relationship is needed.You don,t need a man or his approval to be a awesom woman. Be happy ,and wish him well to. There,s someone out there for the both of you.
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By: Merr on 3/06/2010 10:42PM
My ex-husband had an affair and left me for her. It was painful but, I read an article in Reader's Digest was very eye-opening. The article is about a woman who is having an affair with a married man. He divorced his wife and married her. She lamented that if/when he calls her to say he has to work late, the picture of him sitting on her bed calling his ex-wife would plague her forever. Could she ever trust him? I don't think so.
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By: leowoman on 3/06/2010 10:56PM
#1 Believe me, if you don't communicate well now, it won't get better after you are married. You have to be honest with him to get an honest answer from him. If you have a problem now, you should consult a counselor to learn how to communicate better. I learned that the hard way. After 6 years of being agreeable you are now resenting his inability to communicate. Unless you get rid of your side relationship and work out a solution to your communication problems with your finance, I suggest that you shouldn't marry him. It would be good however for you to learn to communicate in preparation for any other relationship you have.
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By: Granma on 3/07/2010 1:00PM
RUN RUN far away,to the bride gonna be . If your relationship is NOT what you want it to be BEFORE marriage IT won't be a happy marriage ! I know from experience. Several women think, " He will change once we are married " Honey you are blowing smoke up your own rear end. There might be a "perfect " man out there for you, don't get side tracked by a useless marriage. Don't be self destructive. If the two of you don't make each other happy before your wedded BLISS, there will be no BLISS after the vows are said . Good luck.
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