Luv Coach Q&A: Resisting Change

I am getting married in five months, and I am getting nervous. My fiance and I have communication issues, and I don't have the energy to argue with him anymore. I am afraid that when we finally do get married it isn't going to last because of this deficit we have. The arguing starts when I approach him with an issue or I'm just telling him about my day. He doesn't seem interested at all. His tone is very nasty and his body language is saying just leave me alone. He said he wants it to work, but I don't think he wants to make changes. Every time he gets like this it ticks me off, and he doesn't get it. I am getting frustrated, and I just don't know what to do. My fiance carries a lot of anger inside and he never releases it. We have been together for six years, and I used to let it go, but now I'm tired of it. In addition, I think he cheated on me in this relationship, but there's no concrete evidence. I don't think he did it recently, but I feel he has. Can you give me some advice please?

Chanel

Lack of communication will lead to stress and strife in your relationship if you do not confront it now. Before you put all the blame on him, you need to be aware of how you are approaching him and the tone of voice you use. He may be reacting to the way you say things and not what you are saying. If he is reacting so intensely when you are talking about something as simple as your day, then the issue is not what you are saying but how you are saying it. Change your approach. If you have a problem, let him know that there is something important that you want to talk about with him, and ask him when would be a good time for you two to talk. It's a good idea to sit down once a week and address any issues or problems in the relationship and work together to solve them. You should also be aware that communication breakdown may result in your emotional needs not being met. As individuals we want our partners to listen and understand us. If we are not being heard, we feel disconnected and unloved. As for the cheating, if you do not have any concrete evidence then you will have to ask him to be honest and answer any questions you have pertaining to why you believe he has cheated. If you want to get professional help before you get married, I recommend Hedy and Yumy Schleifer (www.HedyYumi.org), who can teach you about healthy communication and connection in your relationship.

I have been in and out of a relationship with a married man for three years. He has met my family and acts like it is just me and him, as if his family is not in the mix. However when he is not around I am unable to get a hold of him and always have to call his phone using a blocked number. In the midst of this three-year relationship, I started dating an amazing man, but I could not get away from my married man. This new man treated me with love and respect, but I ruined our relationship because I couldn't stop seeing my married man. The married man is now saying that he is going to leave his wife within the next year and he wants to start a life with me. Though he has made comments in the past couple years about being with me, he has never just come right out and said that he is leaving his wife. There is a part of me that is excited but there is a little voice in the back of my head that questions whether he is being honest. The amazing man that I was not faithful to is a very dear friend of mine now, and I realize that I am in love with him. He has told me more than once that he would never be able to open his heart up to me again like he had before. He states that he loves me but that he cannot trust me enough to ever be in a relationship again. However, there are times when we are together that I see how deeply he cares for me. I have strong feelings for both of these men, and I am just so confused.

Hannah

It's time to get your love life straightened out. You need to let go of this married man, because any man that makes you the runner-up is more in love with himself than with you. As for your "amazing man," you had best let him go to, so that he can find a woman who understands what a great guy he is and will love him unconditionally. Love is not a game, and stringing one mans heart along while you're in bed with another is unconscionable. You may believe that it is okay for your married man to do that to you, but it is not okay to invite others into the mix and hurt them the way your married man is hurting you. Let them both go, and get yourself a therapist to deal with all the emotional baggage that has brought you to this place in your life.

Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com