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Lack of communication will lead to stress and strife in your relationship if you do not confront it now. Before you put all the blame on him, you need to be aware of how you are approaching him and the tone of voice you use. He may be reacting to the way you say things and not what you are saying. If he is reacting so intensely when you are talking about something as simple as your day, then the issue is not what you are saying but how you are saying it. Change your approach. If you have a problem, let him know that there is something important that you want to talk about with him, and ask him when would be a good time for you two to talk. It's a good idea to sit down once a week and address any issues or problems in the relationship and work together to solve them. You should also be aware that communication breakdown may result in your emotional needs not being met. As individuals we want our partners to listen and understand us. If we are not being heard, we feel disconnected and unloved. As for the cheating, if you do not have any concrete evidence then you will have to ask him to be honest and answer any questions you have pertaining to why you believe he has cheated. If you want to get professional help before you get married, I recommend Hedy and Yumy Schleifer (www.HedyYumi.org), who can teach you about healthy communication and connection in your relationship.
I have been in and out of a relationship with a married man for three years. He has met my family and acts like it is just me and him, as if his family is not in the mix. However when he is not around I am unable to get a hold of him and always have to call his phone using a blocked number. In the midst of this three-year relationship, I started dating an amazing man, but I could not get away from my married man. This new man treated me with love and respect, but I ruined our relationship because I couldn't stop seeing my married man. The married man is now saying that he is going to leave his wife within the next year and he wants to start a life with me. Though he has made comments in the past couple years about being with me, he has never just come right out and said that he is leaving his wife. There is a part of me that is excited but there is a little voice in the back of my head that questions whether he is being honest. The amazing man that I was not faithful to is a very dear friend of mine now, and I realize that I am in love with him. He has told me more than once that he would never be able to open his heart up to me again like he had before. He states that he loves me but that he cannot trust me enough to ever be in a relationship again. However, there are times when we are together that I see how deeply he cares for me. I have strong feelings for both of these men, and I am just so confused.
Hannah
It's time to get your love life straightened out. You need to let go of this married man, because any man that makes you the runner-up is more in love with himself than with you. As for your "amazing man," you had best let him go to, so that he can find a woman who understands what a great guy he is and will love him unconditionally. Love is not a game, and stringing one mans heart along while you're in bed with another is unconscionable. You may believe that it is okay for your married man to do that to you, but it is not okay to invite others into the mix and hurt them the way your married man is hurting you. Let them both go, and get yourself a therapist to deal with all the emotional baggage that has brought you to this place in your life.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
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By: iwt on 3/06/2010 6:04PM
After the lies didn't add up anymore, I hired a private detective and got what I needed to confirm I hadn't been "crazy" all those years; he HAD been cheating on me. In fact, he was a serial cheater. What I'm curious about is your view that these women who choose to become involved with married men have low self esteem. I don't believe this to be the case. I believe they feel entitled. I also believe they prefer not having to pay their dues in building a life with someone young and single; they want to step in at the point where a man is already established, earning a decent paycheck and has already proven himself as marriage-worthy. They get the fringe benefits without the hard work. I feel nothing but absolute disgust for Hannah and for those like her. They are today's new age prostitutes.
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By: beenthere on 3/07/2010 8:39AM
I say low self esteem because only a woman who doesn't think enough of herself to get an age appropriate SINGLE man would settle for being the chick on the side. How is there any self respect in that? She must have had convince herself that his words were true in order to function & continue seeing him for the 2+ years she did. She believed the lies he told her about wanting to get married after he "left" me and having kids. The whole thing was a total sham. He never intended on spending his life with her. He said he thought he loved her at the time but it was not a healthy and real love. Looking back, he feels it was an infatuation that snowballed. He felt trapped because she threatened to tell me if he left her and when she found out I was pregnant with our second child, she went insane on him. She physically assulted him & took a bat to his truck. It was so Jerry Springer. It was a new low in his life. For a woman to put up with that kind of treatment from a man not invested in her is why I feel her self esteem was impaired. She had to know in her gut that she was #2 and he was never going to leave me.
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By: iwt on 3/07/2010 10:33AM
I hope all goes well with you and your family. I feel horrible about what you've been through and admire your courage and strength. Plus, I'm so happy it was YOU that got pregnant! Best wishes for a happy future. You sound like a wonderful, forgiving and loving woman.
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By: barbandop on 3/06/2010 4:51PM
I was involved with a married man for 10 years. He was and will always be the love of my life. I knew he was married. I never asked him, or expected him to leave. We e-mailed several times a day, phoned when we could, saw each other when we could. But we loved each other. 10 years is a very long time. But when he decided it was over, without so much as a hint to me, he just ended it. I was the one kicked to the curb. Wife, on hearing her husband had been in a 10-year affair, a very loving and sharing relationship with someone for almost half of her married life to this man, just took it all in stride. Oh well. For those 10 years she had the benefit of his paychecks. He was home every night (almost). She didn't have to be bothered with pleasing him or spending time with him. Which makes me a bit tired of hearing people wonder how "the other woman" can live with herself. Now, 10 years later, wife apparently never missed a beat. He never spent one night out of the house. They renewed their vows a month after she found out. It obviously was no big deal or hurt to her. I am the one left with the inability to continue to come up with valid reasons to wake up in the morning. So quit boo hooing for the wives. They either know and don't care, or are stupid and don't care.
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By: iwt on 3/06/2010 5:51PM
We are neither... we are lied to, manipulated and conned by the men we chose to love and trust. Then demonized to the tramps who choose to insert themselves into our marriages.
I hope down the road you get married, have a family, and then some young tramp who wants an easy in to a wallet does the same thing to your life. Karma. You SO deserve it!
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By: Joellen on 3/06/2010 10:00PM
Barbandop: It isn't the wives who are stupid. Stupid is getting involved with someone who's paycheck and responsibilities lie in someone elses bed. Whether or not his marriage was ideal shouldn't have much to do with it. If he was that unhappy in his marriage, he would have gotten out of it. You were just a convenient and willing diversion Stupid is as stupid does.
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By: beenthere on 3/09/2010 8:00PM
You have got to be the most ignorant person I have ever come across. To say that the wife doesn't care or is stupid is just ridiculous. In my case, my husband was seeing his lover during his 8 hour police shift and it was never even a question in my mind because he was home at the end of his shift 98% of the time and I would never had known the difference. I care deeply about the status of my marriage and I take my commitment to my husband seriously. So neither am I stupid or don't care, I was simply totally blindsided by his cheating mostly due to the fact that he had 8 hrs unaccounted for as a State Trooper & I trusted he was hard at work.
As for you, stop hurting other people. You have no idea what pain people walk away with when they find out their spouse was cheating. People can put on a strong front but be devastated inside. you never know what another actually feels so stop making assumptions about the wife that you don't know are true. I highly doubt she was okay with all of this. Your comment about stop "boo-hooing" for the wives is all I need to hear to know how much in denial you are of the ramifications of your actions with a married man. Shame on you.
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By: Jerry on 3/06/2010 5:01PM
If you're argueing now, before marriage, I'd think twice before I do so. Marriage will only make things worse. I promise you. If you have issues that make for arguements or fights, you don't belong together. Bottom line.
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By: G. Harrison on 3/06/2010 5:04PM
WHO cares......Has happened forever and will go on forever. You can't change mankind. Where there is a man cheating, there is a woman cheating, too.
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By: colleen on 3/06/2010 5:38PM
Partially true. For the wife who isn't aware, it is pretty sad. Why would you ever, knowingly, allow yourself to be the woman in 2nd place?
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