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Lack of communication will lead to stress and strife in your relationship if you do not confront it now. Before you put all the blame on him, you need to be aware of how you are approaching him and the tone of voice you use. He may be reacting to the way you say things and not what you are saying. If he is reacting so intensely when you are talking about something as simple as your day, then the issue is not what you are saying but how you are saying it. Change your approach. If you have a problem, let him know that there is something important that you want to talk about with him, and ask him when would be a good time for you two to talk. It's a good idea to sit down once a week and address any issues or problems in the relationship and work together to solve them. You should also be aware that communication breakdown may result in your emotional needs not being met. As individuals we want our partners to listen and understand us. If we are not being heard, we feel disconnected and unloved. As for the cheating, if you do not have any concrete evidence then you will have to ask him to be honest and answer any questions you have pertaining to why you believe he has cheated. If you want to get professional help before you get married, I recommend Hedy and Yumy Schleifer (www.HedyYumi.org), who can teach you about healthy communication and connection in your relationship.
I have been in and out of a relationship with a married man for three years. He has met my family and acts like it is just me and him, as if his family is not in the mix. However when he is not around I am unable to get a hold of him and always have to call his phone using a blocked number. In the midst of this three-year relationship, I started dating an amazing man, but I could not get away from my married man. This new man treated me with love and respect, but I ruined our relationship because I couldn't stop seeing my married man. The married man is now saying that he is going to leave his wife within the next year and he wants to start a life with me. Though he has made comments in the past couple years about being with me, he has never just come right out and said that he is leaving his wife. There is a part of me that is excited but there is a little voice in the back of my head that questions whether he is being honest. The amazing man that I was not faithful to is a very dear friend of mine now, and I realize that I am in love with him. He has told me more than once that he would never be able to open his heart up to me again like he had before. He states that he loves me but that he cannot trust me enough to ever be in a relationship again. However, there are times when we are together that I see how deeply he cares for me. I have strong feelings for both of these men, and I am just so confused.
Hannah
It's time to get your love life straightened out. You need to let go of this married man, because any man that makes you the runner-up is more in love with himself than with you. As for your "amazing man," you had best let him go to, so that he can find a woman who understands what a great guy he is and will love him unconditionally. Love is not a game, and stringing one mans heart along while you're in bed with another is unconscionable. You may believe that it is okay for your married man to do that to you, but it is not okay to invite others into the mix and hurt them the way your married man is hurting you. Let them both go, and get yourself a therapist to deal with all the emotional baggage that has brought you to this place in your life.
Rebecca Brody is a Relationship Coach in New York City. She is the creator of She Caught the Crazy! If you need relationship advice or want to work with Coach Brody contact Brody@TheLuvCoach.com or go to www.TheLuvCoach.com. For more crazy stories visit www.SheCaughtTheCrazy.com
Comments: (40)
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By: Talia on 2/25/2010 11:12PM
Regarding the 1st situation, it will stay the same or get worst. I am on the verge of divorce and that situation is one of my reasons for throwing in the towel. When someone doesn't want to communicate with you hardly ever, can be looked at as emotional abuse. You have to be honest with yourself regarding why you are with that person. It is possible to be in a relationship, laying with someone night after night and be lonely as hell. Even if you marry and stay married, you will grow old alone, because the person who is supposed to be your best friend and closest confidant, doesn't even want to hear the sound of your voice. He's not for you. Wish him well and keep it moving.
Regarding the 2d situation, do not waste another minute of your life with this married man. Chances are that if he does leave his wife, you will not be wifey #2. That man will enjoy his freedom and be the biggest dog around. Don't think for one moment that you will live happily ever after with a man that you have only known as a liar and a cheat. Cut your loses and grow up.
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By: angeme87 on 3/05/2010 10:02AM
#1
I can tell you from my own experience that if you have any kind of communication issue before marriage, it's not gonna get better only worse if it isn't ironed out before hand. And then throw a some children into that mix later on and that's a recipe for a horrible disaster. Maybe you both should get counseling to see if you should proceed with your relationship at all. Maybe you are both reacting to each other instead of really communicating in a healthy way. I think the counseling will help you figure that out, I wouldn't rush to get married, what's the hurry, figure out if you two really want to be with each other or are just making each other miserable. Good luck.
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By: angeme87 on 3/05/2010 10:12AM
#2
Personally I think that having a relationship with a married person is a big mistake for all involved. You are selling yourself really short by letting him put you in that position. I personally would not have ever had him around my family, and NEVER around my kids if I had any. That is just not fair to them. Then to make your life more dramatic and angst filled you start another afair with a very nice man that ends up feeling betrayed by you because you can't stop your compulsion to be with this married jerk. If I was the second man I would run from someone like you. I think you need to get the married guy out of you life, get some couseling for yourself, build up your self esteem. You do not need a man/dog like that. He is only telling you he is going to leave his wife now because he thinks he is going to lose his FWB/you. Get some help,you are better than that, and stick with one good man at a time.
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By: sork on 3/06/2010 3:42PM
#2
you are messed up! can't you see that if a married man cheats with you and leaves his wife, its only a matter of time before he cheats and leaves you!!?? you are EXTREMELY selfish for bringing a good guy into your low self-esteem fueled mess. you need to let the good guy go because he deserves much better then you, and let the married man go because you don't get involved with married men!!! plain and simple! get some help. I know you just want help, but i can't help but be disgusted by people like you.
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By: Marianne on 3/06/2010 5:11PM
Are you kidding???? Run girl-run fast!!! If he's moody, uncomunicative and borderline angry, he'll only get worse. if he doesn't want to talk, you have to WALK. It won't get better after you're married. He not that into you anymore. DO NOT MARRY HIM! If you have to change how you talk to him to get him to be pleasant, there's something wrong there. And the previous advice puts the blame on YOU!! Shame.
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By: Becca on 3/06/2010 2:28PM
Hannah is a fool if she thinks she has any future with the married man. If he will deceive his wife and string her along for years then why would anyone want to put herself in the shoes of the cheated on wife? He will only do the same thing to Hannah if she marries him. The only difference wil be that Hannah will deserve it for fooling around with someone else's husband.
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By: Jim Fedullo on 3/06/2010 3:03PM
As a man I would tell you to turn around and walk a way. I have had this in reverse and I waited to long, didn't solve the problems, got married and in the seven months that I tried to make it work, I ended up w/ an ulcer and divorced. If there is no communication in the beginning what can you expect later in the relationship? You may feel like your heart is breaking now but it can and will get worse. I loved the woman I had married more than life but got nothing in return and even though its been 18 years ago, I have never dated or had a relationship since. It tool the heart out of me & I never could do it again. Don't let the issues of a bad relationship follow you into the next one, just be a little smarter next time.
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By: Trish on 3/06/2010 3:21PM
I can't understand why Hannah thinks ANYONE would trust either she or her married lover. They are both cheats and liars! Nobody led her in to anything. She made a concious choice to be in a relationship with a married man! Take responsibility, for God's sake! I am over people who have 0 regard for anyone other than themselves and expect life to be just peachy. When you hurt people intentionally, expect to get it back. What goes around comes around and so it should.
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By: J. Greene on 3/06/2010 6:27PM
I agree with the professioanl advice given. However, regarding the second man, it seems to me that letting go of that relationship is his job, his decision, not hers. After all, he's the one who said he can no longer trust her, though he admits he still loves her. He's the one who needs to let go of her, not the other way around. If I were in her shoes, again regarding the second man, I'd want to keep him, especially if I loved him, as she says she does. The trust piece is something they could work on together, if both were willing.
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By: beenthere on 3/06/2010 4:32PM
#2
One year ago, I was told my husband was having a 2+ year affair with girl almost 15 years younger than him. My husband can't explain why he did what he did to me & our children. He claims it was infatuation with her & the opportunity presented itself. I ended up having contact with the girl and we swapped "war" stories. I, of course, hold my husband 100% accountable for his actions but she was guilty as well of crossing the line with a married man. I often wonder, when she is a wife someday, if she will feel any remorse at all for causing so much agony to an innocent person who was just trying to have a life & raise her kids? I will never understand the selfish mindset that women like her & Hannah have. How dare they even think to become involved with someone who is married. It is a sure sign of poor self esteem mixed with the ability to be as cold hearted as one can be to a perfect stranger who never did anything to you. All I can say is no matter how much a person wants to be with a married person, they are not living in reality. It's wrong, they know it, and the outcome is never going to be a positive one for all parties involved. I don't know how people like her and Hannah live with themselves.
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