I am 26, a single mother, and recently divorced. I have a new boyfriend of seven months. He is going through some horrible events in his life, and I have helped him in anyway I can, even to the point of draining myself financially and physically. I love him, but is love enough? Should you stay with someone that snaps at you when he gets stressed out? He tells me that I'm the only good thing he has right now, and that I'm the best thing to ever happen to him. Last night we got into a horrible fight, and he said some mean things to me. I freak out whenever that happens. I'm not very good at communicating my feelings or concerns, because for 6 years I was yelled at and belittled by my ex-husband. I broke up with my boyfriend, and he came over to my house begging me to take him back, which I did. Did I do the right thing? My daughter absolutely adores him, and I've already watched her go through the separation from her father. I'm scared that he's using me. He says he's not, but I don't know if I believe him. He doesn't have a car right now, so he borrows mine while I'm at work. I'm willing to help him in anyway I can. He cleans it for me and fills it up with gas. Even my mom is concerned that he's using me.
Laurie
It is not easy to deal with stressful situations in a relationship when one person is going through troubled waters. This is the time when relationships are tested and you get to see what the foundation is really made of. In any relationship you cannot allow yourself to be drained to the point where you do yourself a disservice. You must draw a line that lets you know just how much help you can give and at what point you have to say no. Sit down and work out boundaries of what you can do to help, and when you have to say no. You need to also set boundaries around behavior. If he is stressed, upset or angry let him know that you don't want him around you or your daughter during those times. He has to learn healthier ways to express his frustrations and verbal abuse will not be tolerated. If he respects your boundaries and continues to treat you in a loving and respectful manner then you have your answer as to whether or not he is using you. If he gets angry when you refuse to help him more, then cut him loose, because he doesn't have your best interest in mind.
I knew this guy at work and after a few months we went on a date. It was wonderful and felt good to have met a guy after my divorce. After seeing each other for three weeks he proposed and asked me to marry him. I said yes and four months later we moved in together with my two kids. I am nine weeks pregnant and I am afraid that I made a mistake in moving in so quickly and now having his baby. He also has a one-year-old daughter who I don't see because her mom doesn't allow him to take her. Somehow I feel that I should have gotten to know him better. I love him but does he really love me? Maybe I am just blind and made a choice because I was lonely and he gave me all the attention. We have a great relationship and are open to any discussion. But something tells me that I should have waited. I don't want to make a decision that I may regret. Should I hang on and see what happens after the baby is born?
Janet
Rushing into a relationship and bringing your kids into one without really knowing the other person is reckless. You should have waited to learn who this man really is before you decided to spend the rest of your life with him and let your children call him dad. Marriage is not something you do on a whim, and throwing one away should not be so easy for you. Your callous decision to enter into this relationship so quickly, makes me question your knowledge and understanding of love and what it means to be a partner. It's time for you to do some real work and take the time to get to know your husband. Before you consider kicking him to the curb, you have to show him the respect of actually getting to know him and that means working on building trust, love, and connection. Pick up the book Intellectual Foreplay by Eve and Steve Hogan and ask each other the questions to really begin to connect. I advise you to work with a relationship coach to help you better understand what it means to be a loving partner in life.
Comments: (14)
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By: sammy on 1/23/2010 5:09AM
Laurie and Janet: I feel nothing but contempt for women like you who continue to involve yourselves with useless excuses for men.
What type of example do you think you are setting for your daughters who will go on to repeat the same types of actions throughout their lives.
Learn to live with your selvelves instead if lactching onto the first thing in pants that comes along.
You are sad examples of women and of mothers.
But don't worry. You will get a lot of support from women just like you.
Like Boyce, I blame President Obama.
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By: LB on 1/26/2010 9:55AM
You are such an ass.... what has President Obama got to do with these women's love lives? I wish people would stay on topic. These women have made bad decisions--but once we know better we do better. I don't think anyone has the right to denigrate someone because of the things they do based on low self esteem---which is obviously the case here. But that is somehow Obama's fault. You, Sam, are sick and need help. Go tea bag somewhere else!
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By: s walker on 1/26/2010 9:42PM
ladies, please toss these spoiled ,no good bums out as soon as possible. trust me black women stand by thier men more than any other race or nationality . Yet some of them have no intention of exhibiting any kind of appreciation or remorse for thier lacks asnine ,manipulating games . As for the anglo women blaming obama and listning to that uncle tom boyce watkins , Get a life our goal is to spend the white mens money while you girls are out tea bagging....
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By: sammy on 1/23/2010 5:12AM
"Learn to live with yourselvelves ..."
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By: Perri on 1/23/2010 2:57PM
Regarding Janet's situation, it appears that things are too good to be true and she's waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do think it is wreckless to marry someone so soon. We live in a place in time were you literally need to have a complete physical and background check before you get involved with someone, much less marry them. She should seriously get into counseling. She barely knew this man and he knew her children even less. How does she know that marrying her was a way to have easy access to her children??? We must consider worst case scenarios when we get involved with someone especially when children are involved.
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By: mwhite on 1/24/2010 4:12PM
Laurie, I remember when... I found myself in a similar relationship(9 years) he was verbally abusive. The relationship was on again off again.
I vowed never to stay in a relationship where I'm unhappy. One good thing about this relationship, I realized all the thing I'd allow a man to do to me. Today I love myself, I'm married (8 yrs) and even here I know my limits. My husband is a good man-no relationship is ever perfect- it is thru that abuse that I know my breaking point. When and where to step off and out.
I understand its nice to feel needed but when you have to sacrifice yourself for the comfort- then you need to take a good look at yourself. Learn to be alone and when you do, it become easy to idenitify the things about men that you will and will not tolerate. Being with a man that has less than you- in the begining you are helping him but at some point you will get tired of it.
Good Men dont that take food from the mouths of children (single mothers). Dating is an expensive sport and if you arent financially able to do so- then one should find another hobby. Yes, he cleans your car and put gas in it. That's the easy part- what about maintenance, insurance or car payments. There is no reason for him to be driving your car while you are at work. Why doesnt he have a car- what about his drivers license consider protecting yourself- he's at rock bottom and no since of dragging you down with him. GOD forbid he has an accident with your car and he doesnt have good license- you become liable. It has been in my experience that men who dont have car have a bigger story to tell not just it's broken.
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By: Evelyn on 1/26/2010 3:14PM
You are so on target when you say:
Good Men dont that take food from the mouths of children (single mothers).
At 61 and once I went through some of men games, the most important thing that kept me somewhat on track was: My child came first. You don't need to know my child until I know you and always felt, "My blessings came as a result of how I took care of my child." I never did then and never will now, "Understand how women put men before their children." All the different fathers and different ways the child has to adjust to different households when they go from place to place. This is one sure way for a child to get molested. Women need to wake up and stop all this baby Daddy drama and acting on every itch they get. Whatever happened to saying, "NO?" You have so many babies and no marriages because the young people truly believe that same guy that's not taking care of his other kids is because the mother isn't worth it. Not looking at the struggle it puts on his kids. And women always think, "He's not going to do it to me." Listen ladies, "If a man will do it with you, he will do it to you." These are sad times were're living in and its got to change. Stop having all these babie carriages before the marriage. If he truly loves you, "He won't even ask you to have his baby before the carriage." The reason he ask for a baby because, "Even though he has no intention of taking care of it if you break up," he can use you because he knows if you're carrying his baby, you'll hold on and either take care of him or help take care of him for a while. If a man is in a struggle and isn't handling his own, you need to leave him alone because, "He becomes added baggage and its usually in the form of financial help." God will NOT bless you if you're taking food out the mouths of your kids to help a grown ass man." If you're struggling, look at the relationship you're in and if you're taking away from your household to take care of a man, you're going to be struggling for a while. GOD doesn't bless bad behavior. Take control of your life. If you have to be without a man for months, so be it. I know from personal experience, you won't die and I didn't even use dill doughs and I may not be spelling it correctly but, spelling it the way it sounds. God will take care of you if you're doing the right thing. Don't be afraid but, step out on faith. Not having sex, isn't a death sentence. When I was teased for not having sex like 7 or more months in my life, it never bothered me. Why? Because some of those married or single, weren't in the best of relationships. Anyone can get a man, but, how much of a man is he really if you're hurting and sad all the time. I would rather be alone than to be with someone and be unhappy, beat or verbally abused. One of the most proud things in my life is that no relationship ever reached a low of calling me names like bit-ch,sl-t or wh-re. I never understood how any woman could lay down with any man after being called those names, yet they do. Every woman I hope has a personal low. After 7 years of being a single mother, I'm married now for 30 plus years. It will be worth your wait, "If you decide what you want and make it known." Don't give any part of you away because that is what you do, each time a man comes in and out of your life. He's leaves a part of him with you and you don't want that. Pray and seek GOD for guidance. Don't listen to friends that have no more than you with no answers. Follow role models, be it President Obama or Jada Pinkett or others but, definitely not an Opra, Erica Badu, Keysha Cole, Halle Berry and others. Yes, they have the money to financial take care of a baby but, what they're doing and in the way they're doing it doesn't make sense. Don't believe the hype that its okay to have babies from men that don't "Put a ring on it," and take you to the alter first. Be Blessed and know that God loves you inspite of your short comings. He will never leave you nor forsake you, when you seek him.
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By: Kalynn on 1/26/2010 7:42AM
Women, black people, people....we have to learn two VITAL things, among many others:
Don't REACT- more often than not it's negative and closely related to knee-jerk and your actions are not thought out but simply built on emotion.
Do RESPOND - more often than not you think before you act and end up with positive results. You weigh the pros and the cons.
When some people enter relationships they are either on a rebound and are too emotional. People take more time buying a car or house than they do choosing and evaluating a mate.
Think before you act!
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By: Zewoditu on 1/26/2010 12:41PM
"LOVE THYSELF!"
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By: poprivers@aol.com on 1/26/2010 1:12PM
Ladys when will you girls learn you have children go out learn MAN what is he bring to the table hopehe didnthave any more baggage with him like credit dept and as forthelady that is pregnant well their is no hope once the baby come he would have already found a new relationship men dont want their own responcibility let alone a new or athers it is so bad that women has to have a man before she no him sleeping in her bed wow try to look at the pages in your life the story book of your life should be better as time goes on use your mine lady and get off the cell phone with your no good advice friends talking to much and never listen is justconstanty mistake every tim just use the good pages of your life change for your children.I went with a man in my life for 10 years be fore i got married didn't care didn't worry was happy and enjoy my life we went away together on vacation trip in the bahamas we live a part but love each other company now married i9 years friends 29 years and the hold thing was it that all my busy friends was the one so worred about why I didnt married him within the 10 years I told them I was happy and we were just trying to no one another keep friend outwhen dating keep a man out of your house he likes you then lethim take you out some go ductch when paying the bill what ever let him no you can carry your weight too as long as he can carry his. Woman when will we learn... Think before you leap by by..
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