All I could think was, Is this really happening to me? He is going to kill me. His hands wrapped tightly around my neck as he pushed me up against the wall. I could feel my body being lifted slightly off the ground, and as I struggled to release his choke hold the words flashed repeatedly through my mind. Is this really happening to me? He is going to kill me. Scratching and kicking at him I managed to squirm out, and as I turned to move away I felt a burning pain begin to spread from my shoulder to my armpit, then down my arm. He was biting me. A scream pierced the air, and brought me back to myself as I realized where the sound was coming from. Wrestling him off I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the first thing in front of me. Waving the fire extinguisher erratically, I threatened to hit him. As he backed away, I bolted towards the bedroom. He grabbed me from behind and head butted me, and as my neck whipped forward, I collapsed to the ground. I rolled over to fight him, but before I knew what was happening, he was on top of me, pounding my head into the floor. He shoved his fingers into my mouth, as he slammed my head back, over and over. Suddenly it stopped, and as I struggled to push him off he bent down and kissed me on the mouth and said "I love you". The smell of alcohol washed over my face and I became nauseated. Kicking out, I hit him in the between the legs and broke free. Running for the bedroom, I slammed the door, grabbed the phone and dialed 911. My heart was beating in my head, and as the dull thump grew louder, I heard the front door slam and knew he had run.
As I gripped the phone, loud banging reverberated off the front door, and a man's voice yelled "NYPD". Rushing for the front, I peered through the peep hole, and saw a line of police all the way down the hallway. Letting them in, I was surprised at how quickly they responded. I had just called them and was still holding the phone when it dawned on me. Someone had heard me screaming for help, and they had called the police first. As they questioned me, I was in shock. I had spent the last hour fighting for my life as my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years tried to end it. Suddenly I began to doubt myself as the thoughts raced through my mind: Did that just happen? Was it my fault? Did I instigate it? I hit him back. I'm not completely innocent. I'm not a victim. I did my part as well. Should I really turn him in?
Standing in front of me were eight cops, a slew of firemen, and several EMT's, and I couldn't decide if I should have my boyfriend arrested. As I hesitated, one of the cops said "If you don't turn him in, you totally wasted our time." That was the push I needed. "Okay, go arrest him." I said brazenly.
I spent the next year living as an angry version of myself. The first six months I remained celibate, and lashed out at any guy who tried to talk to me. The second half of the year, I began drinking heavily, smoking lots of pot, and doing cocaine. I was going out and sleeping with a bunch of random people. I was being reckless, and I didn't realize at the time that it was making me feel a lot worse, instead of better.
My salvation came from a good friend who had chosen to take a break from drinking, smoking, sweets and a slew of other daily habits. She did it for religious reasons, and I decided to follow suit as a show of support for her. Choosing to do that made me realize my triggers. When I was stressed I reached out for a drink or some other substance. When I was feeling lonely, I wanted to go to a bar and have random sex with somebody. It was a really big learning and growing process, and I had to face the fact that it wasn't me. Yes, I did my part in provoking him and I chose to stay in the relationship throughout the abuse, but at the same time, it wasn't me, because no one should act in the way that he did. It was like a lightbulb had turned on in my head.
I started working for the NY city alliance against sexual assault, and I realized I could take that bad energy and turn it into something good. It was incredibly healing to put together a manual to help prevention practitioners become involved in the community and show them how to locate factors that lead to domestic violence and gender violence. I stopped looking at the experience as something negative and learned that you grow from your experiences. I was able to see that everything happens for a reason, and I have control over my life, and it is up to me to turn the bad into something good.
A year and a half passed since that life changing event, and I surrounded myself with positive people who reminded me each day that life is amazing. In that summer, I met an incredible man who helped me to love again. Samuel is kind and caring and each time I break down, remembering the horror of that day, he has been supportive. It's nice to know that there is a good man out there, and he has my back. He has taught me to face my feelings, and get them out so they don't overwhelm and consume me. He helped me overcome issues with trust, my biggest hurdle being trusting myself. Experiencing abuse and ignoring all the red flags that flashed in front of me, made me lose trust in my own abilities and judgments. I can't blame anyone else for that choice, and at times I still struggle to deal with it.
I can tell you now that being alone is not that bad. A lot of women who experience what I went through find ways to use their abuser as a crutch. You may think you can't afford to live on your own, or you may think he has something that you need, but you don't. Everything you need is within yourself. Your strength is within yourself, and you don't have to fear being alone, because you won't be alone forever. The negativity in your relationship is not your whole world, it is just a part of what you are going through now. You need to trust yourself and overcome that hurdle. Realize that you can do it and there is nothing that will hold you back. If you want something bad enough, and you want out of the relationship bad enough, you can. You just have to be ready to deal with some difficult times, but it's going to be a lot better than what you are dealing with now.
I am healthier on so many levels. Physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier. I am happy with Samuel. I see friends who haven't seen me since I was in the middle of it, and they say I am a completely different person. For my friends to see the difference, makes me happy. I am changed, and yet I am the same. It's my choice.