Luv Coach Q&A: Money Matters!

My fiance and I have been engaged for six years. He was previously married for 25 years and had four children with his ex; they are all adults. I know that he has to keep in touch with her because of the children, but they call one another for other things. He lends her money, she does billing for him, she texts him and they always talk on the phone behind my back. I am getting concerned here, because every time I mention her, he gets defensive. He defends her above me. I feel like I should stay away. What can I do?

Mary

It's not easy dealing with your partner's ex, especially when he makes you feel like the outsider. It seems that he does not put you first and fails to include you in the money decisions. This issue will undermine your relationship if it is not addressed. If you plan to spend your lives together then it's time to have a serious talk with him about his priorities, and the effect his actions have on your state of mind. Open up and let him know how you feel when he excludes you from the decision-making process. Let him know that the way he treats you does not make you feel that you are a top priority in his life, and then suggest to him exactly what would work for you. If you had the opportunity to create an ideal situation that included all the players involved what would that look like? You want to be solution focused and give him concrete ways to make you feel like you are number one.

I moved in with my girlfriend six months ago and everything has been great, except we can't seem to agree when it comes to spend money. She just lost her job, and because we will be living on my income alone until she starts working again, I told her we need to cut back on our expenses. She is still spending as if we have two incomes, and I am getting frustrated. I know she feels like I should be able to take care of her, but I'm not in a position to do that. What should I do?

Brandon

It's time to put your foot down, and the best way to do that is to lay out a budget. Take an evening to sit down together and fill out a budget checklist. There should be three columns: his, hers, ours. Under "his," list all of your personal monthly expenses, and under "hers," have your girlfriend list off all of her monthly expenses. Together you can fill out "ours," which will include household expenses, bills, rent, groceries, dining out, shows, transportation, clothing, savings and anything else that you both share. Add it all up and compare it to your monthly salary. If you are over budget, then you each have to take an item off of your personal list that you can live without. If you both agree that an item on the "ours" list is not a necessity, then you can choose to cut it. This is a great way to see how much you both actually spend each month, and it will make both parties responsible for maintaining a healthy financial lifestyle.