Mary
It's not easy dealing with your partner's ex, especially when he makes you feel like the outsider. It seems that he does not put you first and fails to include you in the money decisions. This issue will undermine your relationship if it is not addressed. If you plan to spend your lives together then it's time to have a serious talk with him about his priorities, and the effect his actions have on your state of mind. Open up and let him know how you feel when he excludes you from the decision-making process. Let him know that the way he treats you does not make you feel that you are a top priority in his life, and then suggest to him exactly what would work for you. If you had the opportunity to create an ideal situation that included all the players involved what would that look like? You want to be solution focused and give him concrete ways to make you feel like you are number one.
Brandon
It's time to put your foot down, and the best way to do that is to lay out a budget. Take an evening to sit down together and fill out a budget checklist. There should be three columns: his, hers, ours. Under "his," list all of your personal monthly expenses, and under "hers," have your girlfriend list off all of her monthly expenses. Together you can fill out "ours," which will include household expenses, bills, rent, groceries, dining out, shows, transportation, clothing, savings and anything else that you both share. Add it all up and compare it to your monthly salary. If you are over budget, then you each have to take an item off of your personal list that you can live without. If you both agree that an item on the "ours" list is not a necessity, then you can choose to cut it. This is a great way to see how much you both actually spend each month, and it will make both parties responsible for maintaining a healthy financial lifestyle.
Comments: (17)
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By: WILLIAM MONTGOMERY on 10/22/2009 9:32AM
SOMETIME YOU CAN SHOW SOMEONE BETTER THEN YOU CAN TELL THEM. SINCE YOU MAKING ALL THE MONEY YOU CAN CONTROL ALL THE MONEY. STOP BEING WEAK. OR OVERTLY SINSITIVE. AND TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR HOME. IF SHE TO SHE'S YOUNG MIDED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS HAVE CHANGED. THEN YOU MAY HAVE TO CONSIDER SOME CHANGES. DON'T NOTHING CHANGE IF NOTHING CHANGES.
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By: michaelcharlene1 on 10/22/2009 9:39AM
He needs to go back with his ex. leave him alone!
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By: Rev. Hawkins on 10/22/2009 10:52AM
I think he may still love his ex wife. I was in the same situation after 23 years my husband and I divorced for a year but he never stopped providing for me financially or taking to me at least twice a week. I have no idea what he told the woman who he cheated on me with but I forgave him and were back together.
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By: Porscha Marc on 10/22/2009 11:11AM
I agree to the Luv coach's advice, I also would like to add to the first discussion on the fiance, yes you should sit him down and have "THE TALK", and see how he reacts to it. If he's still defensive and giving you the cold shoulder then leave him. Engaged for six years!!!!! thats a sign own its own. But you have to give it to the Lord and he will lead and guide you! Second article um missy needs to get it together str8 up...you obviously a good man ya'll not married living together and you supporting her. Yes times are hard and she'll get back on her feet just encourage her don't make her feel like she can't do everything... every now and then go out and have fun cuz you have to put yourself in her shoes, what if it was you, and she was supporting you? You still wanted to be treated like a man.... I pray for the best for you two.
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By: christiniabl on 10/22/2009 7:16PM
i think the first couple should call it quits, you will always be #2. he and his ex wife have become friends and they obviously get along better now that they are divorced. they have a history together. he is not in a hurry to marry you six yrs engaged is a joke. he is unable or unwilling to commit to you at this time. they are probaly still having sex as wells secretly.
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By: Maria on 10/22/2009 12:36PM
When I read the first story, I felt like I should have signed my name to it. The only difference is we had been together for 14yrs, lived together for 8, and he has never married his baby mama. We were not engaged, but I did want to get married after our second year living together...he kept procrastinaing. I felt like I was never really included in his life, but he lives in mine..and raised my three children. I have never met his children because he wanted it that way. I knew for a fact that he still communicates with his Ex daily, although he went out of his way to keep it out of my face. Recently, I made a decision to end the relationship...it was like cutting off a part of me, but I knew it had to happen. I knew he love me, but I also know that he loved her. He couldn't make the choice to cut the cord, so I did it for him. It didn't take rocket science to see that the relationship was never going to escalate to what I wanted. I had to decide that if he didn't make the total committment I would hurt myself once rather than let him continue to hurt me daily, consciously or unconscioulsy. My life is much different now; I've learned to lay in God's arms for comfort now instead of his. Pray for your answer, before your move, but move when you get it so you don't waste any more time.
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By: Debbie on 10/22/2009 12:43PM
I HAPPY YOU OPENED YOUR EYES! CONTINUE TO BE BLESSED!!! AND ALWAYS REMEMBER IF IT'S WALKING LIKE A DUCK QUACKING LIKE A DUCK IT'S A DUCK!!!
DEBBIE
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By: Ms.Lanett on 10/24/2009 2:16PM
I can relate to your situation, I've been on again off again with the same man for 6+ years I love him with everything in me and he knows this I constantly tell him how much I love him but I really beleive in my heart that he cheats on me with his baby's mama but I vowed to never let him go no matter what the cause is I've often talked to him about marrying me but he always manage to slide right through the conversation.
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By: iketheterrible on 10/22/2009 2:56PM
Unless you like drama and a miserable life, the advise for both of you should be the same - DROP THAT ZERO! For the lady - A man should only have to go through his ex to keep in touch with his children if they ARE NOT ADULTS. And what is he getting for these loans he makes to his ex. As a man, I can honestly say that after six years, you are not his fiance, you are his longtime girlfriend. He has no intention of marrying you because he's comfortable with how your arrangement allows him to keep his relationship with his ex. For the man - SHE"S YOUR GIRLFRIEND! Don't let no one that you are not legally bound to frustrate your financial situation or potentially wreck your financial future. If she feels you should be able to take care of her, then her "no job having butt" should at least make that as easy as possible. Sounds like you may have a girl who's willing to sit back and let you be the financial solution while she contributes to the problem. What you need is a woman that can take care of herself and appreciates any and everything that you do to lighten her load. Man up and move on.
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By: howest keith on 10/23/2009 2:55PM
Addressing the first problem the fact that you are
engaged for 6 long years is a RED FLAG that's so
evident that a blind woman could see. O.K. you love him but open your eye's before you end up being engaged to him for the next 12 or 18 years.
Addressing the second problem (this very day) do the Adult thing and Bang Out A Budget , it's just
what the doctor ordered for you to maintain a good
and health relationship between the two of you.
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