Luv Coach Q&A: Confused in Love!

I just found out after 28 years of marriage that my husband had a seven-month affair with a co-worker. He would drink with her at a bar and then they would have sex. After a few months, she became pregnant, and my husband did not tell me. He didn't have anything to do with her or the child. I am really confused and don't know what to do. The child is now 9 years old.

Sandra

This is a very difficult and fearful situation, and it is exacerbated by the length of time that has passed since the affair took place. Over the years, partners grow and change, and you have to learn to love the new incarnations of themselves in the present. Your best choice is to take stock of who your husband is now based on the choices he has made in his life and who you are now, and ask yourself if he is still the man you want to be with. As for the child, your husband chose to relinquish his role as father so that you would never find out about the affair. This was not a choice he made to protect you, but rather to protect his position in your marriage. If he had wanted to protect you, he would not have had the affair. You have to ask him if he has changed and if he is remorseful for the decisions he made in his past. Then you have to ask yourself if his actions have proven that he has truly changed.

I have two men in my life, and I am confused about which one is right for me. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and things were going well until we started to have problems. He spends more time with his friends than with me and always puts them first. I feel so left out. He has become overprotective, and I can't go anywhere or hang out with my sister or friends. He wants me to just stay at home and only go out when he wants me with him. Our relationship has started to fall apart. I went to a party with him, and he left me to go hang with his boys. This nice guy was checking me out, and we started talking. I didn't see any harm in talking. We had a lot in common, and I told him up front that I had a man in my life. He understood that and respected it. I gave him my number, and the next day he called. We have become very good friends, and I like him more and more. I want to move on with my life with someone who's going to love me, cherish me and want me. So I really like this guy a lot but don't know whether I should get involved with him. I need your help on this.

Cookie

I want to caution you from jumping from one relationship to the next without stopping to heal from past hurts. At the moment, your current boyfriend is not tending to your emotional needs, and your desire to have that need fulfilled is driving you to look elsewhere. Even though you feel like your friend is the only person who fulfills you, you are coming from a place of need and lack, so any affection from another man will do. The problem arises when your need to be emotionally fulfilled crosses over into neediness, and you begin to drain your friend. I would recommend that you try and get your emotional needs met by your current boyfriend, and if you find that he is unwilling or unable to do that for you, then you can consider ending the relationship. Once you end it though, you must take time out of the dating scene to work on finding fulfillment from within. This will be the time to balance your emotional needs and heal from your past relationship so that when you are ready to date again, you will be a mentally, physically and emotionally whole partner.