Luv Coach Q&A: Too Quick to Walk Away

My boyfriend and I have been staying together for the last eight months. Due to my depression and medical conditions, I don't feel like being intimate with him. I found text messages of a sexual nature between him and another woman. Although he denies that anything happened between them, I don't know if I can trust him anymore. Should I let this relationship go?

Monea C. Raleigh, 30, N.C. 30

It sounds like your boyfriend may have been engaging in emotional cheating, which is a serious boundary to cross, but it does not mean that you should let go of the relationship. You both have needs that you want fulfilled, and in order to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to be open and honest about communicating those needs with each other. As you struggle with your depression and medical conditions, he is also struggling because he may feel powerless to help you as you become more removed from him and the relationship. In order to reconnect and heal the rift that has grown between you, you both have to work even harder to maintain the connection. Take five minutes out of your day to express what you are feeling to each other and then let each other know what you need in that moment to help you deal with your day. After you share your feelings, take at least 10 minutes to hold each other. It is also necessary to re-establish your boundaries so that you are both clear that any form of cheating, whether it be emotional or physical, is a deal breaker for the relationship. Remember that this is a struggle for both of you, but you can work through this by reconnecting each day.

I have been with my wife for 13 years and we have a son together. At our jobs, we have male and female co-workers. My wife has male friends that she calls sometimes. I have female co-workers that I talk to. My wife now thinks that I am having an affair because I did not tell her about these female co-workers. I have asked her to go to counseling, but she refused. Now, she wants to file for a divorce. What should I do?

Michael

It sounds like your wife has been waiting for the opportunity to leave you, and now that she has found one, she is moving forward with her plan. Thirteen years is a long time to invest in a marriage only to walk away from it without concrete evidence of infidelity. It seems a bit rash. Everyone works with male and female co-workers, so for your wife to base her belief that you are cheating because you didn't tell her you speak to female co-workers seems fishy. You might want to delve further into her relationships with her co-workers. You may find that she is pointing the finger at you because she is the one who has something to hide. In the meantime, find a lawyer who can help you prepare for divorce proceedings, and make sure to protect your son through out this tumultuous experience.