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My boyfriend and I have been staying together for the last eight months. Due to my depression and medical conditions, I don't feel like being intimate with him. I found text messages of a sexual nature between him and another woman. Although he denies that anything happened between them, I don't know if I can trust him anymore. Should I let this relationship go?
Monea C. Raleigh, 30, N.C. 30
It sounds like your boyfriend may have been engaging in emotional cheating, which is a serious boundary to cross, but it does not mean that you should let go of the relationship. You both have needs that you want fulfilled, and in order to maintain a healthy relationship, you have to be open and honest about communicating those needs with each other. As you struggle with your depression and medical conditions, he is also struggling because he may feel powerless to help you as you become more removed from him and the relationship. In order to reconnect and heal the rift that has grown between you, you both have to work even harder to maintain the connection. Take five minutes out of your day to express what you are feeling to each other and then let each other know what you need in that moment to help you deal with your day. After you share your feelings, take at least 10 minutes to hold each other. It is also necessary to re-establish your boundaries so that you are both clear that any form of cheating, whether it be emotional or physical, is a deal breaker for the relationship. Remember that this is a struggle for both of you, but you can work through this by reconnecting each day.
I have been with my wife for 13 years and we have a son together. At our jobs, we have male and female co-workers. My wife has male friends that she calls sometimes. I have female co-workers that I talk to. My wife now thinks that I am having an affair because I did not tell her about these female co-workers. I have asked her to go to counseling, but she refused. Now, she wants to file for a divorce. What should I do?
Michael
It sounds like your wife has been waiting for the opportunity to leave you, and now that she has found one, she is moving forward with her plan. Thirteen years is a long time to invest in a marriage only to walk away from it without concrete evidence of infidelity. It seems a bit rash. Everyone works with male and female co-workers, so for your wife to base her belief that you are cheating because you didn't tell her you speak to female co-workers seems fishy. You might want to delve further into her relationships with her co-workers. You may find that she is pointing the finger at you because she is the one who has something to hide. In the meantime, find a lawyer who can help you prepare for divorce proceedings, and make sure to protect your son through out this tumultuous experience.
Comments: (16)
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By: Toya on 9/19/2009 4:10PM
My boyfriend and I has been dating for a little over a year now. My problem is when ever he goes on his job functions he never invites me, when im going to some kind of function i invite hime but he always make up some kind of excuse on why he cant go. I asked him if he was ashamed of how I look because it seems that he never wants to go out with me. He said he is not ashamed of me, but I don't believe him. What should I do? I was ready to move on, but my feelings are really growing for him.
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By: William on 9/19/2009 7:07PM
My girlfriend and i have been together for three years and engaged for 6 months we just had a newborn november 26, 2008 and she decides to leave me on the fourth of july 2009. Im in a social lifestyle called the RUFF RYDERS i go out every thursday and hang out with them on our motorcycles and occasionally when we have events. She has a problem with me doing that and said she wanted to leave i told her that i would drop it all if the price is losing you and my son but say said no just pay her and my son a little more attention i said fine now im not a guy who likes to go hang out in the streets or clubs i like to stay at home on my off days and play my games and talk to friends while we play, she didnt like that either im like when do i get to have a break why should i have to cater to you 24/7 when i already do that and then some so after a while she started talking to on of her friends who is having the same situation and the friend convienced her to move in with her and her parents and take my son away now she lives four hours away and no matter what i say to her she says that the love she has for me is not there anymore and i asked her could she at least try to work it out for the sake of our son but she always replies to me by saying well what about me if im not happy being with you and we are always fighting our son will see it and turn out bad but i tell her that it takes two to tango and if only one person is fighting and the other is not then there is no fight for him to see and i wont kill us to try and work it out for his sake but she still says no i dont know what else to do we really need help were both young im 22 and she is only 20 and i feel that were still young and have time to work it out but she dont see it the same way i do but please i would love serious advice beacuse all i want to do is same my relationship and have a happy family and not have my son grow up in a broken home.
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By: Morgan on 9/20/2009 1:16AM
I am sorry your going through this. Both of you are young and still growing but I think your girlfriend is allowing others (her friend) to influence her decisions. In being together, you both have to be secure enough in yourselves to allow the other room to step away from things. You should be able to have your individual interest and she have hers without the other trying to make demands that isolate.
Because you two are young, you don't realize that yet. All you can do right now is give her room and time to figure things out. But in the meantime you can focus on spending time with your son.
I understand that you don't want your son to grow up in a broken home, but you have to see the bigger picture. If she doesn't love you the way that you want, then you need to let her go. You can make someone be with you that doesn't want to be there and you shouldn't want that for yourself. The two of you staying together shouldn't be for the benefit of your child - think of the message you'll send him when he gets older.
Scenario: She stays with you (although she doesn't love you) and eventually begins to resent you. It is something that will show in your interactions and regardless of what you think, your child will eventually see this. Your son will get the message that no matter how unhappy the relationship is, you stay. What kind of life is that to have? With someone that doesn't love you, value you, appreciate you, etc.
Yes it is wrong of her to only consider herself in taking your child away in the manner she did, but you can't make her come back. It has to be something she decides to do but I would back off and give it time. When you try to push people to do something they don't want to, they fight even harder.
I hope everything works out for you.
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By: Lee on 9/20/2009 10:26AM
Sometimes relationships are hard to handle in many instances like your's women fail to realize man enjoy the "me" time they fail to realize being around all the time is just crazy and hanging around friends just allows them time to relax. At the same token my friend you must understand women are unstable creatures and are very emotional they crave attention and when you don't provide they sometimes use the thing's that close to you i.e. your son as a option to bail out of the relationship. You must allow the women to know that your family comes first you must not care about what her friends feel and say because they are not in your relationship. Also as a young couple you guys may need to seek advice from the older couples who have gone through the same issues always remember to put god first and it will all work out!
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By: james mitchell on 9/20/2009 3:06AM
People sometimes stop loving and we must let go. No matter how selfish we feel they are being. It is a very horrible feeling lying in bed at night with someone you don't want to be with. Eveything or everybody you match up can sometime be non-compatable. Let it go when it wants to go.
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By: Marie on 9/20/2009 3:28AM
All Men are cheater
they wont find the way to reveal the truth the better of dead with thier lies
I am amrried for 31 years and I have been in a long liying relationship with my Men
He would prefer drink poison instead to tell the truth
The dont care if the will make an excuse using the holy Bible to hide their gult
My husband seem the worst cheater never living
WE " Womens" need to figure out when a cheater will always be a chater they wont stop unless they get cought up
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By: Lee on 9/20/2009 11:09AM
Why is it many women feel this way that all man are cheaters? Simple is it called an emotion. Emotions are phases that people go through life Marie you must understand you knew he was when you met him you knew his character and his lifestyle my saying is you may hate me today but tommorow your gonna love me look it hurts when someone cheats but it feels better to realize that your better then that person. Look if jesus died and rose up in three days then you should 2. I always advise people it takes three days To hate someone, To love someone and to forgive someone what option will you chose
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By: litta on 9/21/2009 3:23AM
You need to find your local community college and sign up for a english writing course.
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By: Lovely on 10/13/2009 10:06AM
Go back to school!
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By: MultiBeauty on 9/23/2009 1:15AM
Depression is a serious issue. You really need to try to get balanced. It is difficult building and keeping a good relationship, but add the stress of illness, it can become unbearable. The mature and reponsible way to handle his feelings were to communicate clearly with you. This is very important. He did not. Rather, he involved himself in a fantasy or emotional affair, which was probably his way of relieving stress. Whatever the reason, he was wrong. If I were you, I would tray to get myself on solid ground and become independent of him. Communicate your feelings clearly, but be frank that you will not be disrespected.
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