After eight years of marriage, I found out my husband was cheating on me with prostitutes. At first, he said he only called a couple to get prices, then the next day, after much pressing, he admitted that he'd slept with one. Well, after I picked myself up off the floor, I kicked him out, and he went to go stay with his mom. I later found out he had been with five prostitutes in all. I can't begin to tell you how devastated I am and how betrayed I feel. I have to sleep in the bed where they were together. We are going to counseling, and the therapist says that he has a porn/sex addiction that got worse when we got our computers in 2000. I have all the computers locked now. My husband says he was wrapped up in the fantasy of it all but is remorseful now. I feel so violated. He says he'll do anything to keep me, but how does one overcome this?
Kristine
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Betrayal by your husband is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome, but that does not mean it is impossible. If you truly want to stay with him, both of you will have to commit to making this work. Sit with your husband and write down what you want the future of this relationship to look like. List the values that you both have and the requirements (the non-negotiable things you need for the relationship to work). Define boundaries for both you and your husband and let him know that they're deal breakers. Your husband needs to get involved with a support group so that he can take responsibility for his choices and get the treatment he needs to control his addiction. Recovery Nation is a treatment center for sex addicts and their partners, and I would recommend that you both seek treatment. As he struggles with this journey, you want to be supportive while maintaining your role as his wife, so be aware that you don't fall into the trap of policing or mothering him. As he overcomes this addiction, celebrate each step of the way and be his biggest fan. You will need private relationship coaching throughout this process and the support of other people who are healing from the effects of sexual addiction.
My husband of 13 years has been spending less time with our family. He feels like he has been doing everything for the kids and me and is left with nothing for himself. I agree with him, but I find myself unhappy and lonely at times. Then I found out my best friend of 10 years was breaking off our friendship because she felt she was too close to my husband. To save our friendship, she said she had to end it for right now. I know we will never be friends again and she knows it, too. I asked my husband about it, and he said he had no clue. He claims nothing happened between them. Afterward, whenever we had sex, he would say her name, along with the name of another woman who wanted to have sex with him. Every day I wake up and think my marriage is over and pray he doesn't leave me, but now I wonder if ending this might be the best thing for me.
Michelle
Marriage is a sacred bond between two committed people, and to maintain a healthy relationship, both partners have to work at reconnecting and respecting each other. A line has been crossed, and it seems as if your husband is not only lying to you, but also showing disrespect by blatantly throwing their names in your face. It is time to stand up for yourself and confront this situation head on, because until you know the truth for yourself, you cannot make an informed decision. It is difficult to overcome the fear of losing your partner, but remember that fear is a negative motivation that leaves you living a life that is not in line with who you are. Meet with your best friend and find out exactly what happened. Once you know the truth, you need to confront your husband and find out if he is remorseful. Once you have all this information, you can make an informed decision about whether you want to commit to healing this relationship or whether walking away would be your best option.
Comments: (23)
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By: Sammy on 9/05/2009 1:27AM
Kristine: I suggest that BEFORE you worry about counseling and standing by your man diring therapy, GET YOURSELF TESTED.
And do it often if you value your life.
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By: sandra on 9/07/2009 5:41PM
ijust found out after 28yrs of marriage my husband was having a 7month affair with a coworker that he would drink with in the bar and then they would have sex after those few months she became pregnant and my husband did not tell me and didnt have anything to do with her or the child i am really confused and dont know what to do. the child is now 9years old.
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By: blakgrl on 9/07/2009 9:51PM
Ok Sandra, first of all I need to you make a doctors appointment to have yourself tested for HIV/Aids and other sexually transmitted diseases. You need to ask yourself, what kind of man would walk away from his child, regardless of how that child came into the world. Is that the kind of man you want to be married to. I personally would have an ounce more respect for him if he came clean about all of this and told you he would be taking care of his child. The fact that he cheated is bad enough and for there to be a child created because of his adultery is shamful on his part. But what is disgusting is for him to walk away from his child. And that child is 9 years old!!!!! When did you find out? Did he just freely give you this information or did you find out about it and that forced him to explain himself? Let me ask you a question, if you never found out would he have told you? You need to pray for yourself, pray for him, pray for that child who (because of no fault of his/her own) has no father. Go get yourself tested because if he had that affair, it's possible he had more. Protect yourself!!!! No one walking the face of this earth is gonna love and respect and protect you better THAN YOU!!!!!!
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By: Lee on 9/20/2009 8:37PM
Marriage is very sacred and in breaking it someone has to pay for it. I believe that you must first find the core reason into why he cheated what were you lacking in and why did it take someone else to do what you should have been doing in the first place. We guys do not cheat without a purpose most men cheat because there women fail to give them there all sexually but love when the shoe is on the other foot love to be pleased. If you don't spice things up in a relationship a man will go out for a occasional drink because your lacking on our needs
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By: Redd on 9/06/2009 6:45PM
I think BV need to hire another relationship counselor! Both of these ladies need to get out. Aids is killing people!
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By: inez on 9/07/2009 4:29PM
In response to both scenarios - BOTH OF YOU are in a staate of Kumbiah emotional denial because you are afraid of been alone. You do not have a marriage, because your husbands have violated the marriage bed both emotionally and physically but your denial has made you enable their behaviour and your husbands know this and this is why they continue the behaviour. You are so ooncerned with not hurting your husbands feelings - who by the way have no feelings for you AND you are so worried about what others are going to say. YOU have forgotten about your self worth and self esteem and once again your husbands predicate the continuance of their behaviour on that. HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO LET YOURSELVES BE USED AS A DOOR MAT!!!!!!!!!!Let me fill you in on some facts. HIV, Herpies, Genital warts, Hepatitis B and C are all transmitted through bodily fluids; which include saliva, blood, perspiration, and urine.AND are not curable BUT are manageable on medication. The long term systemic affect of these virus are often lethal and can lead to other disease entities in your body. I can almost guarantee that your husbands not only have entered into penetrating sex BUT also oral sex with these women they play with on the side. Therefore if they pick up any virus or bacteria from these women then it can be tranmitted to you via oral sex or simpy a french kiss!!- why because your gum lines have blood vessel and blood cells as well as your saliva. AND BECAUSE you may not have any signs of infection yet it does not mean that your body has not been affected BUT your immune system is keeping it under control. UNTIL later on in your life!!!!!!!!!!!!SO ladies continue to be in denial. FORGIVNESS IS A GOOD THING BUT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE STUPID. DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO DO GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
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By: bianca on 9/08/2009 9:33PM
leave him get a divore dont talk to him anymore move on with your life u live ur life n he live his tell him to go be with them n stay with them. and move somewhere else. get ur number change
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By: Beautiful Woman on 9/08/2009 7:40PM
Geez! Just get out of the tainted relationship. Life is too short to be worrying about a cheating dog. There is someone else out there for you. Get your self esteem in check and stop feeling like a loser if you don't have a man at the present time. No woman should have to accept a cheating man. If the man is a sex addict (which I think is bs, he just likes to cheat) he will never change. GET OUT! GET TESTED, and GET A NEW LIFE WITH GOD IN IT! You cannot go wrong with the Lord by your side.
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By: One Pen1 on 9/08/2009 8:35PM
Sure Glad Jesus does not use your method of judgement. "you think that sex addiction is bs? Wow! Yeah, that is what Jesus taught us, when a man falls leave him alone, he will never change, don't pray for him, just judge and condemn him forever! Amazing! Seems like your the one who needs a life with GOD in it.
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By: Onepen on 9/08/2009 8:34PM
Wow, based on the comments here, people, actually don't get the concept of marriage, (which does not surprise me, with the divorce rate pushing 60%. Everyone is telling the lady, get out, leave that cheating dog, you don't need a tainted relationship. Well I have been married for ten years, so I think I have a little experience, in the marriage department, as well, as For Better or Worse. I recall, the article saying that the husband was diagnosed, by a doctor with sex addiction, now for some reason women ignore the Fact that this is a Real condition, I guess that get clouded with that cheating dog mess. I am not saying that cheating on your wife is right, anyone who has been married or is married know that is the first way to end a marriage,......infidelity. But I myself, married my wife, for better or for worse, not for better, or until she does something to hurt me. I know it hurts, but this is your partner, who has fallen, and you just leave them? And before, you just loved him to death. Amazing, I thought love could not be turned off and on that easily. I would recommend to the young lady, that if She thinks, her marriage is worth saving, and keeping, then she should ignore the advice, of so many people who judge her husband, as if they do everything in life mistake-free. You will never be able to be totally sure, that your spouse is not cheating, but that is why you married them right? Because you love and trust them, to love you back. Women do not understand that sex for men is physical, not emotional, so that phrase, if you loved me you would not have slept with her, is really nonsense. You can love a woman to death, and still sleep with another woman easily, if you are a man. Love has nothing to do with cheating, it is all physical(sexual) from a man's perspective. If you think that your husband or wife, is going to continue to sleep around with prostitutes, which is extremely dangerous for the other partner, you should leave him, but if you think he is sincere in his apology, and he is taking real steps to deal with his problem, and you LOVE him, be there for him, that is YOUR husband, YOU know him better than any of these blogging marriage counselors. No one knows your situation better than YOU and it is YOU that has to make and live with a decision for YOU!
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