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After eight years of marriage, I found out my husband was cheating on me with prostitutes. At first, he said he only called a couple to get prices, then the next day, after much pressing, he admitted that he'd slept with one. Well, after I picked myself up off the floor, I kicked him out, and he went to go stay with his mom. I later found out he had been with five prostitutes in all. I can't begin to tell you how devastated I am and how betrayed I feel. I have to sleep in the bed where they were together. We are going to counseling, and the therapist says that he has a porn/sex addiction that got worse when we got our computers in 2000. I have all the computers locked now. My husband says he was wrapped up in the fantasy of it all but is remorseful now. I feel so violated. He says he'll do anything to keep me, but how does one overcome this?
Kristine
2008 Deaths
Odetta Holmes
"The Voice of the Civil Rights Movement" was a singer, actress, guitarist, songwriter and activist.
December 31 1930 - December 2 2008.
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Bernie Mac
Comedian, Actor
Oct. 5, 1957 - Aug. 9, 2008.
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Isaac Hayes
Singer, songwriter, record producer, composer and actor.
August 20, 1942 - August 10, 2008
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Miriam Makeba, "Mama Africa"
South African folk singer and anti-apartheid activist.
March 4, 1932 - November 10, 2008.
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Jennifer Hudson's 57-year-old mother, Darnell Donerson, brother, Jason, and 7-year-old nephew, Julian King, were killed in 2008.
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Shakir Stewart
The Island Def Jam executive who became head of the legendary rap label following Jay-Z's departure, killed himself on Nov. 1. He was 34 years old.
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George Carlin
Stand-up comedian, actor and author.
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008
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Madelyn Dunham
Barack Obama's grandmother
October 26, 1922 - Nov 3, 2008.
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Levi Stubbs
Oct. 17: The iconic lead singer, second from left, who gave voice to Four Tops classics like "Reach Out I'll Be There" and "Baby I Need Your Loving" died at 72 from complications of cancer and a stroke. Abdul Fakir, far left, is now the sole living member of the original quartet.
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Dee Dee Warwick
Oct. 18: The soul songstress died after months of declining health. Warwick, the sister of soul legend Dionne, also achieved a great deal of success, both as a solo artist as well as with her sister.
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Betrayal by your husband is one of the most difficult experiences to overcome, but that does not mean it is impossible. If you truly want to stay with him, both of you will have to commit to making this work. Sit with your husband and write down what you want the future of this relationship to look like. List the values that you both have and the requirements (the non-negotiable things you need for the relationship to work). Define boundaries for both you and your husband and let him know that they're deal breakers. Your husband needs to get involved with a support group so that he can take responsibility for his choices and get the treatment he needs to control his addiction. Recovery Nation is a treatment center for sex addicts and their partners, and I would recommend that you both seek treatment. As he struggles with this journey, you want to be supportive while maintaining your role as his wife, so be aware that you don't fall into the trap of policing or mothering him. As he overcomes this addiction, celebrate each step of the way and be his biggest fan. You will need private relationship coaching throughout this process and the support of other people who are healing from the effects of sexual addiction.
My husband of 13 years has been spending less time with our family. He feels like he has been doing everything for the kids and me and is left with nothing for himself. I agree with him, but I find myself unhappy and lonely at times. Then I found out my best friend of 10 years was breaking off our friendship because she felt she was too close to my husband. To save our friendship, she said she had to end it for right now. I know we will never be friends again and she knows it, too. I asked my husband about it, and he said he had no clue. He claims nothing happened between them. Afterward, whenever we had sex, he would say her name, along with the name of another woman who wanted to have sex with him. Every day I wake up and think my marriage is over and pray he doesn't leave me, but now I wonder if ending this might be the best thing for me.
Michelle
Marriage is a sacred bond between two committed people, and to maintain a healthy relationship, both partners have to work at reconnecting and respecting each other. A line has been crossed, and it seems as if your husband is not only lying to you, but also showing disrespect by blatantly throwing their names in your face. It is time to stand up for yourself and confront this situation head on, because until you know the truth for yourself, you cannot make an informed decision. It is difficult to overcome the fear of losing your partner, but remember that fear is a negative motivation that leaves you living a life that is not in line with who you are. Meet with your best friend and find out exactly what happened. Once you know the truth, you need to confront your husband and find out if he is remorseful. Once you have all this information, you can make an informed decision about whether you want to commit to healing this relationship or whether walking away would be your best option.
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By: not perfect on 10/20/2009 6:37AM
Getting involved in pornography was my downfall. I have been married for ten years and a proud father of four and I never thought that porn would have such a damaging effect on my entire family. Pornography is not something that you can pick up and put down. It is so easy to get. I think it is worse than a drug; it’s cheap financially, but just as damaging as crack cocaine. Even after viewing pornography, there is something in you that says, “I wonder how that would feel?” I think everyone who has watch porn has tried to act out things that they saw. If you’re married, you would think you can do this with you spouse, right? Well, what is your spouse isn’t into “those things”? It can also lead to adultery. I think people are so quick to judge, but if they were honest, they too have hurt people through lying, cheating, or stealing.
Let’s use obesity as an analogy. If your spouse eats uncontrollably and becomes overweight and it is offensive to you, should you “leave his/her @ss”, or work out with them and encourage a change in their lifestyles? Any readers of this forum overweight? I think we all have vises and when they come to light, they are extremely damaging. Yet, when we decide to change for the better, we want people to see our desire to improve and do the right things
For the women that think that the spouses should leave, you will want forgiveness someday. I do not think anyone should encourage divorce unless there is abuse involved. I think the ladies in these relationships should get tested. I would say to them that you are the best thing that has probably ever happened to him. He needs you in his corner and probably does not know how to say it. Don’t seek revenge. He is dealing with so many demons and you do not want to take any of them on. Do you think the women in this forum have healthy relationships? They are probably scorned women who have never experienced a true loving relationship. No man ever gets married and plans to cheat or get involved in porn; its just not something anyone wishes for. Fight for your marriage!
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By: Who is pefect? on 10/20/2009 1:26PM
I find your blog to be real comment. It is transparent that you have done somethings that your wife may not have knowledge of. How do you think you would feel if you knew youwife was re-creating scence she had seen from Pron with you?
You used food as your example to compare porn with. I would say at least with food you did not have to consider STD'S,outside children, oh least not for get about broken trust not only with your wife but what about your children? Have you yourself come clean to your wife concerning your ideas when you are suppose to be making love to her? How has this miss use of sex damaged your relationship with you spouse? Do you really think she can not tell when you are not with her but someone else in your mind? Don't sale your wife short.
You are right in the sense of people judging others, but that same way you want another chance you better be willing to extend that same chance to your spouse. The elders would say,"What goes around comes around!"
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By: missvixen on 11/19/2009 2:53AM
listen honey as women we are part to blame by allowing ourselves to become too emotionally attached to men. titles dont matter here. You need to focus on you.. and everytime that you allow someone to degrade you, you only open up the door for ten more things to be degraded on. He doesnt love you if he mentions another woman other than his mother or a genuine childhood friend in ur presence anyways..we far too many times attach a time frame to additional commitment thus being with him 13 years , you feel you have to stay because u have invested so much time.. well what about your dignity and pride.. u have to stop belittling yourself sweetheart in order to gain respect ! im only 22 years old honey and taught very well
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