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Behind The Shocking 'Grey's Anatomy' Finale
The Top 5 email group I belong to was forwarded an article on how accomplished, smart black women are less likely to be married, more likely to be divorced and basically lonely. The men dismissed it, and thankfully so did the women. Not only was the story and topic old hat, but all of us were through believing it. (If you want, you can waste your time and read the article here).You can give me all the statistics in the world. Throw numbers at me like the Lotto. It doesn't matter. I don't need a study to tell me what I see firsthand. Most black women I know are not lonely and I know A LOT of black women. (Just check my Facebook page). If they're not with me, they're with some other guy, and if they're not with me or another guy, they're with their girlfriends. Sure, some go through their fits of being single, but lonely? That's reaching.
Let's take, for instance, my wish list of black female celebrities I would want to holler at if I could. Here they are in no particular order.
Tyra Banks
Status: In a Relationship
Beyoncé
Status: Married
Halle Berry
Status: Practically Married
Janet Jackson
Status: Single
Keri Hilson
Status: Single
You see? The majority of them aren't even available, and these women are very successful. As for the other two, Janet just got out of a very long relationship, and is a divorcee. For her, not having a man is not nearly as big of a problem as having one. And Keri Hilson...well, does she even look like she wants to be in a relationship?
For those who believe these numbers, Michelle Obama would like to have a word with you. For those who want to get into semantics and point out how the study is talking about marriage and not just monogamous relationships, my rebuttal is this: Most women I know are not pressed about getting married as much as they're pressed about meeting the right man.
Maybe the numbers don't lie, but they don't tell the whole truth either. And while I can't speak for every single black woman in the United States, I do know enough to know a lot of them are good. But maybe the reason why I am having a hard time taking these numbers seriously is because I know too many beautiful black women?
I say this not to flatter, but to echo a point one of the men on Top 5 made, which is the next time someone wants to do a study on the number of black women married or in a relationship, show pictures of the women polled. Successful but unattractive black women may be having a problem, but successful, unattractive women no matter what race they are have the same problem. Successful, pretty black women on the other hand, are lockstep with beautiful women of all races. They're either married, in a relationship, or chilling with their girlfriends and hopefully talking about guys like me.
Jozen Cummings is the author of the bachelor blog, UntilIGetMarried.com. He is a former online editor for KING Magazine and VIBE. His work has also appeared in the New York Times Magazine, ESPN Magazine, Essence, Complex and various other magazines and websites. He lives in Harlem.
Comments: (11)
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By: Stilbil on 8/14/2009 12:57PM
Unfortunately Your Article IMO displays a bit of shallowness on your part in the Definition of Smart Black Women! Smart Black Women have Character & Integrity and more than not are Married to Stand Up Husbands! They are Ministers, Investment Bankers, School Teachers & Administrators, Doctors, Lawyers, Judges, Business Owners,etc. The separation her between your examples an Mine as those that I an loosely describing, don't poison the minds of young people through Public display of their Private Parts on a Public Platform. They Honor God First, Not the Dollar! They don't have to Sell their Bodies in Order to be Successful,etc! They go about their lives Planting Good Seeds, not questionable bad behavior for attention. Aligning Michelle Obama with your Wish List is Twisted! Not Hating on U cause U seem young, but I believe King Mag in your Resume may indicate that U May not recognize a Real Woman if U see one, U will be too busy fixated on her T&A! The Fixation by the young on Entertainers as role Models is a bit Twisted, especially those who have to flaunt their bodies to excel. At Some Point in Your Life U will hopefully become Wise enough to See/witness this for yourself! U Will make the Difference in Raising the Bar for Others once U decide to do so. Go deeper than the outer shell and success will be yours! Agree to Dis-Agree, Just needed to be Said! Enjoy This Day!
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By: Kate105 on 9/12/2009 12:38PM
I think you are correct. Smart black women are not celebrities those women didn't become rich or wealthy from education and hard work. They have talent yes they worked hard but not hard like real black smart women do. I am going to college to become a business owner, a fulltime student and very interested in pursuing a master's. I am not saying that those women are not considered smart but that is the reson for what we see in our race today. People judge us based on these celebrities as if we don't have morals and respect, no brains just talent. Half of them haven't even been to college and that is misleading younger black women. I want the next generation, my children to be successful from education not talent although it is good to have. You just can't think because you have talent you don't need to get a degree or high school diploma. We keep putting eachother down instead of building eachother up. What about all the african americans who made something of themselves inhistory do you think they want us to base smart or intelligence on celeb status. America is over looking the most goregous and successful Black women. We are regular women who are doctors, teachers, lawyers accountants, business women and so on. We don't do our job just to make momney we do our job to make a difference. Please interpret us better than that.
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By: LUMINRRES on 8/14/2009 6:06PM
@ stilbil that was well said, i too know and see a lot of families where theres a woman and a man well educated, with a nice family structure, collaege educated masters and doctors degree and live very well but, yet it seems that they go along life highway and are very content and to me theres a lot of unsung heroes in the world and lives outside of the glaring light of camers and all of the glitz and glamor like some of my familiy members just returned from a trip in europe and had a blast and visited i do not know how many cities over there and all of the family is living a good life and always thanking god for his many blessing, and do they get paid like the stars no, it makes you wonder sometimes if a college degree is what it is supposed to be , theres people around me family, with doctors, masters, rn, internal medical doctors etc and they are living their lives to the fullness, and doing what their hearts desire and life still goes on its amazing, but life goes on, and i will say these are truly the unsung heroes.
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By: Brenda Fox on 8/15/2009 3:39PM
There you have it…With the exception of Janet Jackson, your wish list proves that unattractive successful black women aren’t having any problems either…
Media controls minds!
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By: aamilah9 on 8/15/2009 9:41PM
i hate to pee on anyone's cornflakes, but marriage is the foundation of a community. call me old-fashioned , but i kept my standards high enough to not date a man who was not worthy or committed to putting a ring on my finger. i have been a wife and mother for over 15 years.
maybe i have a different set of priorities, but how does a man respect a woman, and how does she respect herself, when she goes from man to man to man? are successful Black women turning down marriage proposals? from a man's point of view, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
and if the women on your list are so together, why haven't any of them been able to keep a man for good? i take issue with what i call "essence women" who would rather fake the funk and tell the world they're happy, than ride it out with the thousands of good brothers out there who may not be college educated or rolling in paper, but have good hearts and noble spirits, and would make 10 times the husbands than some of these fake, materialistic, "well-educated", uncle tom negroes who only care about collecting trophies.
i'm sure people will call me a hater, but i'm happy. and my daughters and son know that marriage is the standard. i would never let my girls settle for anything less than being honored and respected officially by someone who loves them and makes them happy. it doesn't matter where a person went to school or what car they drive or what neighborhood they come from. what matters is that they treat you right.
isn't it ironic that beyonce is the only one who's married? if you like it, put a ring on it...
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By: jACKIE MVARGAS on 8/16/2009 12:44PM
I think like boyoyene if u like it put a ring on that's so truse for to day men , they want a wife and agril firend i feel like if u are ging to get marry do all the thing s you want to do before u make a woman your wife y bring children in this wold with u playing the feild b4 real
life 's to short
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By: christina_keys on 8/24/2009 11:28PM
The want for REAL black'LOOKING women are on the decline. These brothas who are DARKER THAN US still have color complex and owuld rather date a latina or white girl than black girl.
And the celebrity list you created? They are all light, light eyes, long weaved up hair (not all have all three, but you KNOW what I mean)
Black women are competing with other races for their own men, and it would make me depressed as hell, but I have boyfriend (who is NOT black, by the way. I like whoever likes me, and black men do not.)
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By: Kate105 on 9/12/2009 12:39PM
I think you are correct. Smart black women are not celebrities those women didn't become rich or wealthy from education and hard work. They have talent yes they worked hard but not hard like real black smart women do. I am going to college to become a business owner, a fulltime student and very interested in pursuing a master's. I am not saying that those women are not considered smart but that is the reson for what we see in our race today. People judge us based on these celebrities as if we don't have morals and respect, no brains just talent. Half of them haven't even been to college and that is misleading younger black women. I want the next generation, my children to be successful from education not talent although it is good to have. You just can't think because you have talent you don't need to get a degree or high school diploma. We keep putting eachother down instead of building eachother up. What about all the african americans who made something of themselves in history do you think they want us to base smart or intelligence on celeb status. America is over looking the most goregous and successful Black women. We are regular women who are doctors, teachers, lawyers accountants, business women and so on. We don't do our job just to make money we do our job to make a difference. Please interpret us better than that.
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By: StiBil on 9/12/2009 1:42PM
@ Kate105 I think where things get Twisted with Young People, is who U give Power to. What kind of sound thought process would want to compare themselves with celebrities and their lifestyle. In too may cases this means they have a SELL a part of their Soul for future or continued Success. Talent get Women into the Door, Showing their Skin or Other Allows them to Stay! While Black mags Praise Halle Berry & Denzel for thir Oscars, I dropped watching or purchasing their Products. Why, Because they Sold Out to get their Oscars, She had to get on her knees and allow Bob to Rape her. He had to be the Most Disgusting Cop to get His! But the long-term illness within Our Black community is that any Praise is better than None, Thankya Massa, Pure & Simple Slave Mentality. It's become worse with Obama as President. Many don't have a clue what he is doing, but Blindly support any & everything he Says,not Does! Some cannot break from that Getting Pimped Mentality, they are intoxicated by it, and seek more daily!
He is a Brilliant Puppeteer & Magician. Time will tell, but U won't find out from Our media, they are In it as Well. Pay Attention to what's being Said in other nations around the Globe. Other Issue, we R being Sold out going back to the 1st Black Prez Billy Hoe Clinton! Surely we R not an example of God's People by the Choices we seem to make. But think God, some Choose not to jump on the Dumb-butt band wagon.
When U are Blessed to Have Examples of Successful Marriages & Lifestyles Within your Own or Friends Famila,Why Do U care what about Celebrities? Most of American Families are Dysfunctional in some sort of Way. The Media Promotes the Worst of Society. They have used Think Tank Data to assure them that Americans Love to live in Fantasy, as they think they deserve better than. So through Music, Tv & Movies they Promote Steamy affairs with married people, gay affairs,murder & mayhem! And this is a Multi-Billion Dollar Industry. Most so-called successful Black mags promote this Gossipy, celebrity worshiping atmosphere over anything that raises the bar for their people. Any Story of Honor, Character or Integrity is buried behind the Junk that Sells.
As Far as I am concerned, one must look to family as far as All the lessons that will matter in your Life. It begins and ends with family, it all in Gods Word! The World will distract U and tell U to do otherwise. If U do NOT believe in God, well this will not help U. U will be Consumed by Worldly Delights. They are Temporary and usually leave a trail of destruction of lives behind them. Too Many so called bright Sis-tas go for the Shiny Apple(Pimp/gangsta bro-tha)only to have their Heart torn to shreds. No matter how many times they see this around them, they copy that behavior. Why, who knows, but in my opinion they listen to the LCD voices. We all tend to have a range of friends. Those with good to high moral values and usually someone with questionable or Low values. For whatever reason, people seem to listen more to the Low end person than the high, to so-called fit in to what's hip and cool. Fun at first but usually end up getting played, dogged, pimped, drugged or worse dead! SO the Label of Smart Women is in Question when one has the Same behavior of other women. Model yourself in modern terms behind the Proverbs 31 woman, not Essence or other pubs that seduce U into affairs and bad behavior all in the name of being a Real Black Woman! Which-ever direction the World is going as far as values, I'd suggest U do a U turn, an Run Forest Run!
God Loved us so much, that one of his Greatest Gifts is Free Will! We can Choose to Follow the World or Choose to Follow! Him. Choose to find Inspiration from celebrities or Choose to be Inspired by Him and those of Honor & Character who Praise Him! Your Choice! In My eyes, All those Celebrities who show up in those rags are just Flunkies of Satan! Enough Said!
Wishing U the Best, May U Choose God 1st and allow him to Guide U, so U Can, Don't Worry Be Happy all the Days of your Life! DWBUJ!
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By: mia516 on 9/14/2009 9:55PM
Unfortunately, Mr. Cummings, I disagree...and trust me I genuinely wish that i could agree with your commentary. I often time joke that I feel as if I couldn't meet a decent man serching for him in the daytime with a flashlight.
I am a 30 yr old single black female. I have no children, a graduate degree (working on my PhD. I can cook, clean, love Jesus and I own my own home. I am funny, can carry my end of a conversation and do not feel as if I MUST always wear the pants. I'm not bitter or jaded towards relationships. Maybe I'm single, because as some folks put it I'm too picky, but the reality is I would never look for a characteristic or trait in a man that I myself don't posess. Maybe I am just in the wrong places to meet single, successful black men, maybe men are intimidated by me when they meet me but I KNOW that the problem is NOT that I'm unattractive. Now I am in no way vain but as a former beauty queen I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be classified as the "dog-faced" girl. Face it life may be hard for a pimp, it some might say its difficult for unattractive people, but having beauty and brains don't necessarily mean that men are just dropping from the sky.
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