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I've been dating a 41-year-old registered sex offender for seven months. He molested his 14-year-old step daughter five years ago and has undergone counseling and, as far as I know, has not re-offended. My concern is that he is a minister and is very active with the youth department. He often brings the 16-year-old daughter of his ex to church with him and into his home. She has her own drawers filled with inappropriate clothing such as lace tops, short shorts and backless dresses. My boyfriend has a 9-year-old daughter who informed me that this young woman often stays the night. Once discovered, I demanded that her things be thrown out and that he never spend time with her again.
That was two months into the relationship. Most people may have run away, but I fell in love and wanted to help him. We began more counseling and prayer sessions as a couple, but I recently found out that he has been in touch with the young girl again and that he has been sneaking behind my back to spend time with her. He turns off his ringer when I am visiting! When confronted, he lied. In addition to being angry and humiliated, I am concerned for any child who is being subjected to the desires of an adult. Would it be considered revenge if I contacted Child Protective Services to investigate his relationship with this girl and send a notice to the church?
Aleeah N., St. Louis
It seems that your anger and selfishness have clouded your judgment and you have made some very poor choices. The moment you found out your man was a sex offender, you should have protected yourself and protected the 16-year-old girl who is a victim of circumstance. You are the adult, and it is your responsibility to see that this girl is in a compromised position. Choosing to stand by the sex offender while he kicks the victim out of his home tells me that your priorities need to be re-evaluated. You were only two months into the relationship when you claim you fell in love, but you barely knew him, so it seems that you were infatuated with the idea of saving this man, and not truly in love with him. The fact that this man was willing to throw a child out of his home when he was supposed to be a parent figure lets you know that boundaries may have been crossed in the case of their relationship. It seems that your anger and humiliation drove you to take the action that should have been taken when you initially became aware of their relationship. Is it revenge? Absolutely. Was it the right choice to make? Yes. Next time you are in a situation in which a minor is being mistreated, you need to be the adult first and set aside your petty jealousy and anger to protect the child.
I am 30 years old, and I have been married for three years. Every few months, my husband and I have the same fight. First, I am sick of him and those porn movies, then I am sick of the porn Web sites. Lately, he has started hanging out with some dude again. The past week he has not been there for me or my children. He has been sending me text messages saying how he loves me, but I am at my breaking point. I don't have any girlfriends to hang out with, and I told him that it is boring to sit in this house all alone. He just gets upset, claims he can't win and threatens to go home and get his clothes and leave. He knows that I have issues with men leaving me, so I want to know how do I get the nerve to emotionally stand on my own two feet -- to either make him stay or go and handle it. What should I do?
Ayana C.
It sounds like you need to identify your emotional and functional needs and clarify with your husband how he can fulfill those needs. Emotional needs are what you need your husband do in order for you to feel loved. Make a list of things that make you feel loved and a list of the things that you need done in your day-to-day life so that you can function a little easier. Remember to stick to what you need, not what you don't need. It is clear that you also need to set some serious boundaries in your relationship, and you can do that by presenting your husband with your list of needs and by letting him know what you need from him each week so that you can begin to let go of the pain and anger that threatens your relationship. As for the porn movies and porn sites, you need to set a boundary that allocates how much time and money can be spent on these extracurricular activities. Ask your husband to make a list of his priorities and then go through them. If he claims you and the children come first, then hold him to it each time he decides to watch porn rather than spend time with the family. In the meantime, you should see a therapist to help you work through your abandonment issues and to build up your self-confidence.
Comments: (42)
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By: MALE POINT OF VIEW on 7/15/2009 6:32PM
THE THING WITH MEN AND YOUNGER WOMANS ARE BECOMING THE NORM. AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE WOMAN OF THIS GENERATION,THERE WERE ONCE A TIME WHEN OLDER WOMAN AND YOUNGER WOMAN HAD A DISTANCE GAP IN BETWEEN THEM,THE ATTITUDE WAS DIFFRENT,THE WAY THEY DRESS,JUST A COMPLETLY DIFFRENT THINKING PROCESS AND THAT MADE IT DIFFICULT FOR YOUNGER WOMAN TO CLOSE IN ON THAT GAP. NOW DAYS THAT GAP HAVE BEEN COMPROMISE BECAUSE OF THE ATTITUDES OF TODAYS WOMANS THEY ACT JUST LIKE THE YOUNG GIRLS WHO ARE MUCH YOUNGER THEN THEM. THEY DRESS ALIKE,LIKE THE SAME MUSIC AND T.V SHOWS,HANG AT THE SAME CLUBS ITS NOT UNSUALL FOR A WOMAN 25 OR 30 HANGING WITH SOMEONE IN THERE TEENS. AND THAT HAVE MADE THESE YOUNG GIRLS FEELS AS THOUGH THEY CAN COMPETE FOR THE SAME MENS, BECAUSE A LOT OF WOMAN HAD BABYS AT A YOUNG AGE SHES 31 HER DAUGHTER 16 A LOT OF TIMES ESPECIALY NOWADAYS THAT GUY COULD ALSO CATCH THE EYE OF THE DAUGHTER,NOT SAYING HE WOULD DATE THE DAUGHTER,THE POINT IS THIS GUY PROBALY DRESS AND ACT LIKE GUYS IN HER AGE CATAGORY AND HER MOTHER PROBALLY ACT LIKE SHES IN HER AGE CATAGORY BECAUSE A GENERATION GAP HAVE BEEN BREACHED.THESE 16,17,18,AND 19 YEAR OLD GIRLS HAVE CROSS THE LINE BECAUSE THEY FELL THEY HAVE BECAME EQUAL WITH THERE OLDER COUNTERPARTS,I CAN DO WHATEVER SHE CAN DO,HAVE BECAME ALL SO TRUE,I KNOW A LOT OF WOMAN ARE GOING TO SAY A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW BETTER,BUT COME ON,ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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By: Seriously Though? on 7/16/2009 7:40AM
Please tell me you aren't serious. You're damn right, men SHOULD know better. Young girls are still immature if you ask me and I'll be damned if the s*** don't show. Yes, there are some very mature young girls and very immature women, but there are even more immature men. What does dressing alike and watching the same tv shows have to do with men f****** little girls? Men and young boys dress alike. That damn sure is not reason enough to want to be with a child. One thing people seem to forget is that young girls have been giving birth for centuries. This is nothing new and has nothing to do with fact that these trifling men prey on children. When I say prey I really do mean prey. I don't know many times I've heard, when are you going to turn sixteen, can I be your first, let me take care of you, I can give you money, you can drive my car, stop messing with these little boys, and you need a REAL man. I heard this s*** from grown ass men my daddy and granddaddy's age. They tried to manipulate me with the fact that they had money, cars, their own place. All of that is appealing to a young girl. The fact that anybody is willing to give you whatever you want is appealing to children (hell, even some grown people) period. It does not make it okay. So, are you blaming the adult women for men trying to f*** little girls?
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By: DiLinda on 8/17/2009 6:45AM
Wow! I am 50 am I know that I don't do young men at all. I have many young men always coming on to me and I don't do young. I don't want and teach my man to be a real man and I think it takes a real man to be with a real woman of purpose. I hope that your comment helped them to understand that it don't matter what a person wears, or the way they fix their hair, our how much education they have, that young is still young-minded, and I think that the older generation needs t be resonsible for their actions they impress on our young men and women. Wow I hope she gets it!
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By: barbe on 7/15/2009 9:37PM
i'm one of those women that says men are supposed to know better. in fact, i go a step further and say that a real man does know better. as adult men and women we have an obligation to protect the children. it doesn't matter what type of clothing, hair style, body and language he/she uses. being an adult male or female, we should seek companionship, relations, and sex with our peers, not our peers children.
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By: SWD on 7/16/2009 9:30AM
I agree, not much to say but mature men would not want young girls. Its sick. They only want young girls so that they wont be challenged. Its stupid
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By: Renaye on 7/15/2009 11:15PM
If you are in love with a sex offender, then you need to get counseling yourself for possible love or sex addiction. You may be re-living abandonment issues played out in your own family of origin. No person seeking healthy intimacy would go for a person that sick. And, no offense to your religious beliefs, but molester training is layered and deeply rooted. It takes more than a religious conversion to cure. This person needs to make amends and then completely distance themselves from their compulsion to seek sex with minors who are not even spiritually or mentally developed enough to know what mature love is or should feel like. Him being a youth minister is like leaving crack in the candy bowl for a crack addict. It's an addiction! I want to scream for the 14 yr old, 16 yr old and 9 yr old as well as anyone else that that man comes into contact with who could be potential prey. I know from first hand experience, that one breach of their innocence, will change their self-perception of what it means to be a sexual being forever. They are in grave danger and you need to see them as such. Pick up the book "Courage To Heal" to get a perspective on what if feels like to be molested from victims who have grown up and realized that the tragedy of being molested is never ending.... GO GET HELP IMMEDIATELY! -M
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By: Lisa on 7/20/2009 3:03AM
I want this woman to open her eyes and get out now before you invest too much time into this fresh marriage. Your man is gay. Get out before he brings aids home to you from the dude he is hanging out with.
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By: Liz on 7/17/2009 12:14AM
Amen! He is seriously gay. "Lately he has started hanging out with this dude again". Not- he is always out with his friends.. but one particular "dude". You have children! Don't be so stupid. Women need to stop being so willing to compromise their children's safety for a man. Husband or not, you bring anything harmful or potentially harmful around my children (ie: sex offenders, convicted criminals, porno on the computer that the children may find, strange "dudes" around the house), your ass is grass! Women, if you aren't in a position to care enough about yourself, and put yourself first, please think of your children.
And to the male responder that blames the children, do you have a teenage sister, niece of cousin? Now imagine that the young girl is a bit more developed than most her age (to no fault of her own). You are telling me, that if she comes home and tells you that some 30something, or even 20something year old man attempted to entice her into dating or something sexual, you wouldn't want to pick up the nearest bat you can find? If your answer is no, and that you would blame her, please post a picture so my children can stay far away from you.
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By: aud on 7/16/2009 8:48PM
I am preying that the woman dating the sex offender never has children. She really scares me. No one is that naive. The second you discovered that this person was a convicted sex offender working with the church, you should have reported this to the police, the church, and the parents. You need councelling. I mean this in the most sincere way. I do not know your history or background but something is sadly wrong. You were willing to put so many young lives in danger for your own selfish desires. As for the ex's daughter, her life is ruinned. You must take accept responsibility for your role in that.
Based on what the second woman has said about her husband and most average men in America; you will need to keep your conversations short and to the point. You need to assess your situation and make a decision. Do not give the control to him. You need to be strong and decide what you can and can't tolerate. I have been married for 15 years. My parents for 41. There are always going to be ups and downs in a marriage. That is a given. You have to know yourself and know the core values of the person you are with. You already know within your self,not your heart, but your mind your senses-if your husband is a good man or not. You have got to like yourself first. Take care of you build your confidence, possible without him even though he is there. Don't be afraid of him leaving. If he leaves then he never inteded on staying. That I can guarantee so don't waste your good years. And regarding the porn it would depend on what type of porn he is watching. If it is normal consentual adult porn, well he probably will not be giving that up. The porn is not what concerns me. The manipulation is what concerns me. You need to be honest with yourself about your situation.
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By: Joe Neely on 7/16/2009 8:58AM
Barbe, both and you and renaye are right on; unfortunately, there are too many sisters out there who do tolerate this behavior from their men. The fact thatthis sister didn't know what to do in this situation and had to write "Luv Coach" is indicative of some underlying misunderstanding of her role as a women and partner. Again, what the two of you are saying, is correct in every way, but "why" are there so many sisters living with this mess in their lives.
I know it hurts - as you indicated in your reply to that brothers remarks - but a "small" fraction of what he said was true (not to justify that type of action by men at all), but there are so man blurred lines nowadays between mothers who should be setting themselves apart from younger girls, and men they have in their lives who are hanging around like vultures waiting for the chance to snare some of these young girls.
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