Luv Coach Q&A: Who do you trust?

After a loveless eight-year marriage and messy divorce, I started seeing a married man. I didn't want to be tied down again, and the relationship worked for a while. After five years, I decided sharing a man wasn't for me, and ended it. One day he called begging for my help -- he had left his wife not long after I broke it off and went on a downward spiral. I helped him get back on his feet, and we began seeing each other again. Eventually, he and his son moved in with me and my kids. My problem is that I struggle with a trust issue everyday, He has been nothing but good, but just knowing he cheated on his wife with me for all those years makes me wonder if he will do it to me. We have a great relationship, our three teenagers are happy and we do well financially. How do I trust him like I should?

Nicole

When you enter into a relationship with someone who is cheating, you create a weak foundation of trust for the relationship to build upon. There are no guarantees that he will be faithful, but what you can do to create more trust within your own mind is to find out why he cheated on his first wife and how he feels about betraying her trust and their marriage. You want to find out if he is regretful or remorseful in any way for his actions and the choice he made to cheat on his wife. If he can rationalize his reasons for cheating, then be weary because he may choose to cheat again. If he is aware that cheating is selfish, hurtful and damaging to a relationship and he realizes that he made a poor choice then you have less to worry about. I would recommend that either way, you should have a serious talk about your fears within this relationship, and both of you should set the boundary that monogamy is a requirement for this relationship.

My sister won't believe her husband is cheating on her even though I gave her proof. I'm concerned for my sister, because I believe that her husband is having an affair with one of their friends. My sister's husband is a party person, and my sister is not. The friend of theirs is a bartender. She enables him and gives him free drinks. My sister works 12-hour days, caters to this man and is a faithful wife. We have been hearing about this affair and we even laid out proof of it, but still my sister believes them and not me. They say I am lying, but my sister knows I don't lie. This woman has created a divide in our relationship. How can I make her truly see the light?

Betty

Your sister is in a state of simple denial, which is a defense mechanism used when a person is faced with a situation that is too uncomfortable to accept and so she rejects it. Insisting that an affair is not happening even though there is overwhelming evidence is her way of protecting herself from feeling pain and dealing with the reality she is faced with. She may feel vulnerable right now, and this may threaten her sense of control over her life. It can be difficult to show people the truth when they are not ready or willing to deal with it. The key to reaching her is to have a candid conversation about what she fears and allow her to open up and express her emotions. Take this time to point out any irrational beliefs she may have pertaining to her husband, and inquire what the potential negative consequences will be if they are having an affair. Let her know that no matter what you will be there for her, and that you are reaching out to her because you love her. She will see the truth only when she is ready, so be patient and give her mind the time to work through this traumatizing realization.

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