Luv Coach Q&A: The Aftermath of Cheating!

Why is it that when I have sex with my boyfriend who I have been with for 7 years, all I think about right in that moment are the times when he cheated on me? Will it ever stop?

Monique T.

It's natural for feelings of hurt to resurface even after you have done the work to move past the betrayal. Lingering on these feelings will only get in the way of healing your relationship and letting go is a crucial part of recovery. The key to getting past the hurt is to focus on the vision of a positive future for the two of you as a couple. This is your time to dream big and envision your partner as the man you want him to be. You need to commit to making sure that the hurt and anger will not rule your thoughts and choices. This is not always easy, but it will allow you to focus on what is positive about your relationship. During sex you may want to choose a new fantasy to keep your mind occupied and in the right place. It will take time and work but if you to retrain and refocus your thoughts so that they remain positive you will overcome this obstacle successfully.

My husband cheated on me last year, and since I found out, we have been working with a relationship coach. We were doing the work to heal our relationship, but then he decided he didn't want to work with a professional anymore. I was having issues trusting him, so I put a tracking device on his car. When I went out of town, he went to see both of the women that he had cheated with. I confronted him when I came home, and he lied to my face and said he didn't see them. I pressed him until he told the truth, and he said he visited them because he was angry with me, and that it was my fault. I told him that he was to never see them again, and he apologized and said that he wouldn't. I went out of town last week again to visit our daughter, and when I got home I found that he had gone to visit one of the women. Again, he lied to my face and said that he didn't see her. I don't know what to do. He refuses to work with a coach. I am stressed all the time, and I am so angry. I don't know what else to do.

Maggie P., 57, Kansas City

It sounds like your husband is behaving as if he no longer wants to be in a monogamous relationship. His actions are telling you that he does not respect your marriage and he is no longer willing to do the work to heal it. This is a selfish choice and it's time to set a clear boundary so that he knows there will be consequences if he chooses to conduct himself in a way that breaks the requirements of your relationship. If he chooses to continue cheating then you need to ask yourself if this the type of relationship you want to stay in. His explanation for cheating was that he was angry with you, therefore he truly believed in his mind that you needed to punished and he was going to be the one to hurt you. This is not a healthy relationship, and he is sending you a clear message. It's time for you to face up to the infidelity and make the choice that will lead you away from someone who continuously hurts you.