Luv Coach Q&A: Fixer Upper

I am a 22-year-old mom. My last child is by a man I love dearly. He is 23. We have been dating for just over a year. He tells me he loves me, but every time we have an argument, he calls me names and packs up and leaves. We are constantly in and out of our relationship, but even after he says hurtful things to me, I take him back. My mom wants me to leave, but I can't because I love him. I know I should, but something just won't let me walk away. Should I let go or fight for my family? I am a good woman, and he even said so, but when things hit the fan, they really do. We were going to get married and be a family for ourselves and the kids. I am lost and confused because when we have a good time, we really do. Please help.

Coussie B., 22

Relationships are amazing when two people are in the bliss stage of dating, but when arguments arise, many people resort to their childhood reactions to uncomfortable situations. It seems that your boyfriend has learned to resolve a disagreement by running away. He becomes so uncomfortable in the moment that he says hurtful things as a means to push you away. When you don't back down, he runs out. This is an issue of conflict resolution, and it can be resolved with the help of a professional. I recommend that you work with a relationship coach, so that you can both understand how to communicate difficult issues and work through them instead of running away. Once you learn how to deal with relationship problems, you will find that your connection to each other will be even closer than before, and it creates a loving and healthy environment for your children.

At 60 years old, I had never married. I had a past live-in relationship that lasted for eight years. It allowed me to enjoy eight years of the best sex ever. It was an emotionally toxic relationship, but I stayed because the sex was absolutely incredible. Last year, I met a 54-year-old man who pursued me relentlessly. He is not well-educated, but he is intelligent. He is kind, loving, drug free and 100 percent into family. He's a keeper. After four months of dating, he asked me to marry him. Six months later, we were married. The minor annoyances of co-habitation are within the norm. However, as far as being a good sexual partner, this man is clueless. I cannot name one thing he does right. He does not hug, he does not kiss, he does not fondle, snuggle, cuddle or anything else that approaches foreplay. He does want sex two or three times a week. Since I do not believe that a wife should deny a husband sexual favors, he gets what he wants. The only good thing is that the main event is always over within three minutes or less. My husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told him a dildo would be a nice, thoughtful gift for a woman in my situation. He did not get it. I really do appreciate the goodness of my husband in all other ways. So should I just buy a dildo and leave the rest alone?

Janis J., New York, N.Y.

I can see that you love your husband, but there is also a hint of superiority in your tone, and it is that attitude that is limiting you from opening up and teaching your husband what brings you pleasure. You are sending the message that you are better or smarter. In your mind, he is a person who cannot learn, and if you approach him in this manner, you will be unwilling to teach him. I suggest you shift your belief into thinking that he can learn new ways of sexual pleasure, and you can be the one to show him how to broaden his sexual experience. One of the beauties of a committed relationship is the opportunity to have a safe space in which to explore your sexual desires and share new and fulfilling experiences. Imagine the deeper connection you two will have when you reach new levels of shared sexual satisfaction, coupled with your intimate bond. You have the opportunity to be a great teacher, and that requires respect and approaching your student with the attitude that there are no stupid questions. As for the dildo, there is always room in a woman's life for a sex toy.