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I am a widower. My wife of 46 years passed away a year and a half ago. I recently met and felt very attracted to a woman. My problem is that she is reluctant to open up to me even though we have a great time together. We live about 1,700 miles apart. She has this mind set that poor plus poor equals poor and yet she claims not to be a gold digger. She has been married twice to rich men and has traveled everywhere. Her longest marriage was with a man who she says wasn't affectionate with her. She has actually come right out and told me that I do not make enough for her style of living. Now I may be wrong but if both her marriages ended in divorce and she now has to scrape by while this "poor" guy with more money than she has at her disposal wants to be with her, would that not tip the scales in my direction? Or could it be she just does not want to be a three-time loser. This woman, whether she wants to admit it or not, has stolen my heart, and I have told her so. When I tell her I love her, she says thank you. We seldom talk on the phone though we were talking daily at first. I am at wits end, and I truly do not know what to do.
LarryIt seems your friend operates with a number of limiting beliefs, and these beliefs keep her from opening up and sharing a life with someone who will love her wholly. She values money and security over love, and that is her choice, but it is also a warning to you. She will not love you or choose you for just being you. This is a difficult time in your life, because you have recently lost your companion of 46 years. You are feeling lonely and you may want to fill the void with a new love. Coming from this place of neediness can lead you to fall into a common dating trap known as the love trap. We all want to love and be loved, and when you fall into the love trap, you interpret attraction, infatuation, need and emotional attachment as love. This will lead you blindly into a relationship and you will ignore all the red flags along the way because you believe that "if it feels good, it must be love." This woman is sending you a very clear message, and you need to read the signs. You should keep searching for someone, but make sure it is someone who is truly deserving of your love and who has the values you are looking for in a partner. Make sure that you make your decision from a place of love, not from loneliness and lack.
I have been with my man for about 12 years. I have five children, three of which are not his biological children. I really did not want more kids, but I got pregnant and now I have a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old. My older children are 16, 14 and 12. Anyway, this man will not marry me. He has been approved for a loan to buy a house. I receive assistance, but I work full time and I have re-enrolled in school to finish my nursing degree. My name will not go on the deed because my credit is horrible. Mind you, he has a 21-year-old son, but that is another story. He swears that he has not cheated and I do somewhat trust him. I just don't feel that I should stop school and work full time and help him pay his mortgage. I want to be single and raise my children on my own. What should I do?
Anonymous, 33
It sounds like you already have your answer, but the question you should ask yourself is if it is the right answer. Before you decide to uproot your life and the lives of your children, ask yourself why you are choosing to walk away from this man. Are you choosing to walk away because this man will not marry you or because you do not feel a sense of security within this relationship? It sounds like you are not feeling very stable and secure within your relationship and that is why you are asking for a formal commitment. In a relationship, you want security. And if it is lacking then it is too easy to make decisions from a place of fear instead of love. Take some time to figure out how you and your partner can work together to create security within your relationship so that you feel comfortable, safe and secure and can lovingly participate in the life you two are creating together.
Comments: (28)
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By: Mack on 6/11/2009 11:14PM
First scenario is easy: Man, stop torturing yourself with this worthless female! She's obviously not that into you. And why are you dating a woman that lives so daggone far away? Are there no women where you live? Keep your money, keep your sanity, and find you a local woman who will appreciate you.
Second scenario: You must be out your mind! Did I hear you say 5 kids?! And you think its wise to attempt to raise them as a single mother? You gave a very incomplete story here. I'm sure theres a reason why this man spent the past 12 years with you without marrying you. Whats the nature of your relationship? Theres too many details left out to give an accurate piece of advice. But unless he's busting your head or tipping on you, I don't see the strong desire to be single again. You have to know there's no longer a market for you out there. Not with 5 kids and you being in your 40's or older. Not a smart move.
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By: eric on 6/12/2009 12:14AM
If, you brothers haven't yet learned about these BW, then you only get what you deserve!
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By: chzz on 6/12/2009 12:54AM
Larry-the woman spoke to you in black and white.So quit hassling her,don't badmouth her and move on.She has the right to choose the life she wants.
Anon-33.Control your legs and your life.Don't stop until you tag that RN to your name and go forward to greater things.
Or waste another 12 years.
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By: glinda davis on 7/04/2009 7:31PM
hi larry,sorry but you need to take time slowly i wish i was there to support you but keep your heart warm. maybe you will e-mail me and we can chat take care.glenda
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By: louiebates39 on 6/12/2009 11:39AM
Part 1- Sir, you're barking up the wrong tree, you're simply out of your league with this obviously materialistic woman. Her ideals and values are not the same as yours and you need to come to grips with reality. Your answer is at the end of your letter, you live 1,700 miles apart and you no longer communicate on a regular basis. The handwritings on the wall, you are in denial. Don't let your heart overrule your common sense, She's looking for someone that can finance her lifestyle, love has nothing to do with her search. It's money she's seeking, nothing more, nothing less. Don't be offended but that's her M.O. and you don't fit in the category and be thankful your at this point because all she's going to do is use the next man for his resources as she would have done to you if you had of qualified for a spot on her register of suckers. Be rid of her and her greedy attitude. Find someone that has love on their mind and not using you in their heart.
Part 2- Young lady, you seem to be among the growing breed of women that will just settle for anything when it comes to a man. Where is your brain(between your legs)? Children. if you don't already know are the most expensive commodity to keep in a household. It takes dedicated parents both pulling together to properly raise and nuture each child to their potential and then that might not be enough with all the wierd things going on in our society today. Your choices in life are a result of your hormones gone wild for 12 years and you're still not this mans wife. The house's deed only requires one signature of a qualified owner and then he can add as many as or as few as people on the document as he sees fit. So, you're being sold a pig in a poke on this one. Yes this man has have your life for more than a decade and made you the scapegoat of his possible philandering ways and used you for consitent booty calls and is now leaving you high and dry. This regardless of your so-called wanting to be alone and raise your children. You're on assistance and he qualifies for a house and he's not taking this chance to honor your relationship by providing for you? Get real, this is a major scam preformed by a skilled player and you're the one suffering the consequences by being loaded down with all these children and the responsibility to raise them. Where are the fathers of the older children that you are on welfare and not recieving child support for their care? Is your current friend, who refuses to marry you, paying his share of the expenses for his two children? You're in a hot ghetto mess of a life and only God could straighten this scenario out. Get your butt to court, no, the welfare will or should file suit against these wayward fathers and start to recoup some of the taxpayer dollars we're paying for you and your children to live because of your poor choices in life. It's a shame your self esteem is so low that you'll spent 12 years with a no good man, have several children with him and then he would turn his back on you snd your fsmily. Something terribly wrong with this picture and it's you. Stop this welfare merry-go-round which involves you simply living off of society. Turn your life around and keep your legs closed and try to get a decent life for you and your children. Not to raise them and teach them that what you're doing is normal. They're the losers if they don't rise above your cavalier attitude about life and it's responsibilties as adult to do the right thing and to create a positive environment for our children and try to ensure a future for them to explore bigger and better things to reach for as they become adults and citizens in this cruel and unforgiving world. You're failing them miserably and making more difficult for them to be succuessful in our world that requires some kind of skill and intelligence to succeed. Your lifestyle is not the way to set an example to any child to thrive in our highly competitive social order today. My heart goes out to your children whom you've handicapped with this loser mentality of yours and are not providing them a chance to realize the American dream but to perpetuate your loathsome way of living and fail as you have in a time when the doors of opportunity are now opened wide to the brightest and the best of our youth. You need some serious conseling to straighten out your warped priorities. I hope you get my message.
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By: F. Wesley on 6/12/2009 7:52PM
Sir, to me she does not really want to be with you because of financial reasons. You tell her you love her but she did not tell you back? I think you need to give your heart to someone who appreciate you for who you are when they first met you MY MOTHER WOULD(SHE A WIDOW.)
The young lady with the kids and the gentleman who will not marry you. GO! RUN! he's not going to. You know when someone want to marry and when they do not.
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By: jameka on 6/17/2009 11:21AM
You can be on a deed for a house and not be on the loan. Don't let him tell you you can't be on the deed. Anyone can be on a deed, credit score has nothing to do with it.
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By: sparky smith on 6/30/2009 2:17PM
Half of these black females out here are looking for a stimulus package. RUN !! YOU KNOW WHY??
She does not have a job
Her kids are bad / have felonies
The teacher is always constantly calling her to tell her about her lovely angelsssss'sss behavior in school.(toomanychildrenfromthegetgo)
She is TooooooFAAAT
Nails Hair before teaching her children how to act appropriately; anywhere.
Children by multiple sources.
Welfare is a God send.
Run and then walk , crawl, taxi, subway, the el anythang. I am not saying this to be racist or put sistas down, BUT, the day when you could find a normal sister with a job and good behavior and normal spiritualilty is long gone..iamout
smithmusic_2000@yahoo.com
Too many children. The average black female in my city unmarried has 3.5 children. DANG
That is why God placed other women of other races...Thank GOD
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