Luv Coach Q&A: She Ain't Messing With No Broke, Broke

I am a widower. My wife of 46 years passed away a year and a half ago. I recently met and felt very attracted to a woman. My problem is that she is reluctant to open up to me even though we have a great time together. We live about 1,700 miles apart. She has this mind set that poor plus poor equals poor and yet she claims not to be a gold digger. She has been married twice to rich men and has traveled everywhere. Her longest marriage was with a man who she says wasn't affectionate with her. She has actually come right out and told me that I do not make enough for her style of living. Now I may be wrong but if both her marriages ended in divorce and she now has to scrape by while this "poor" guy with more money than she has at her disposal wants to be with her, would that not tip the scales in my direction? Or could it be she just does not want to be a three-time loser. This woman, whether she wants to admit it or not, has stolen my heart, and I have told her so. When I tell her I love her, she says thank you. We seldom talk on the phone though we were talking daily at first. I am at wits end, and I truly do not know what to do.

Larry

It seems your friend operates with a number of limiting beliefs, and these beliefs keep her from opening up and sharing a life with someone who will love her wholly. She values money and security over love, and that is her choice, but it is also a warning to you. She will not love you or choose you for just being you. This is a difficult time in your life, because you have recently lost your companion of 46 years. You are feeling lonely and you may want to fill the void with a new love. Coming from this place of neediness can lead you to fall into a common dating trap known as the love trap. We all want to love and be loved, and when you fall into the love trap, you interpret attraction, infatuation, need and emotional attachment as love. This will lead you blindly into a relationship and you will ignore all the red flags along the way because you believe that "if it feels good, it must be love." This woman is sending you a very clear message, and you need to read the signs. You should keep searching for someone, but make sure it is someone who is truly deserving of your love and who has the values you are looking for in a partner. Make sure that you make your decision from a place of love, not from loneliness and lack.

I have been with my man for about 12 years. I have five children, three of which are not his biological children. I really did not want more kids, but I got pregnant and now I have a 2-year-old and a 4-month-old. My older children are 16, 14 and 12. Anyway, this man will not marry me. He has been approved for a loan to buy a house. I receive assistance, but I work full time and I have re-enrolled in school to finish my nursing degree. My name will not go on the deed because my credit is horrible. Mind you, he has a 21-year-old son, but that is another story. He swears that he has not cheated and I do somewhat trust him. I just don't feel that I should stop school and work full time and help him pay his mortgage. I want to be single and raise my children on my own. What should I do?

Anonymous, 33

It sounds like you already have your answer, but the question you should ask yourself is if it is the right answer. Before you decide to uproot your life and the lives of your children, ask yourself why you are choosing to walk away from this man. Are you choosing to walk away because this man will not marry you or because you do not feel a sense of security within this relationship? It sounds like you are not feeling very stable and secure within your relationship and that is why you are asking for a formal commitment. In a relationship, you want security. And if it is lacking then it is too easy to make decisions from a place of fear instead of love. Take some time to figure out how you and your partner can work together to create security within your relationship so that you feel comfortable, safe and secure and can lovingly participate in the life you two are creating together.