I am going through a divorce. My husband and I have been together for seven years, married almost two but separated for almost a year. We have three children: 6, 3 and 11 months. I filed for divorce because my husband completely separated himself from me while I was pregnant, and I fell into a deep depression. I've always been there for him, and all I wanted was the same in return. After all the sleeping around that he did and giving me an STD, I tried to forgive him so we could go on with our lives, but several years later when we married, those feeling started to resurface. He is now with another woman, but I still think I'm in love with him. Please help me with this problem I can't seem to shake. I don't know why I cant get rid of these feelings for him. I don't deserve to be hurt like this.
Akisha S., Florida
Letting go of an unhealthy relationship can be difficult when one person becomes dependent on the other for his or her sense of well-being. It sounds like you have made a number of poor choices, starting with your choice to marry this man who was cheating on you before you even walked down the aisle. The fact that he gave you an STD is a huge red flag, and that should have been the stop sign that told you not to enter into a committed relationship with a person who cannot faithfully commit. Starting a relationship based on lies and deceit is a sure sign of difficult times to come since your foundation is weak and your values and beliefs are not solidly being upheld. As for your anger with him now, it is obvious that your resentment is limiting you from pursuing healthier avenues in your life. I would recommend that you work with a therapist to deal with the issues from your past that have influenced you in making these poor choices. After you are in a healthier place, you can work with a relationship coach so that you can make more conscious choices when seeking a relationship in the future.
Tips for STD Prevention
Fighting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) is important, because STDs can put women at greater risk for:
- Cervical cancer
- Pregnancy
- Heart disease
What is the best way to react to the news that you have an STD?
- Panic
- Denial
- Seek proper treatment
Should you wait until you or a loved one have symptoms to plan for reproductive health?
- Yes
- No
- I'm not sure
While HPV can cause cervical cancer, Chlamydia can lead to:
- Kidney disease
- Infertility
- Lung problems
The CDC recommends vaccination against HPV for women and girls between the ages of 11 and 26. What is the name of the HPV vaccine?
- JAMA
- Elsevier
- Gardasil
Is there any way to completely prevent STDs?
- Yes
- No
- I'm not sure
If you cannot abstain from sex, which contraceptive can protect you from many STDs?
- Birth control pills
- Condoms
- The IUD
How often do you need to use a condom for effective protection?
- Most of the time
- All the time
- Only with strangers
Does a woman have other options if she cannot get her partner to use a condom?
- Yes
- No
- I'm not sure
What is the most important thing for a teen to remember about STDs?
- Get tested and practice prevention
- Don't worry, be happy
- Only have sex with trusted partners
I have been in my marriage for eight years and in that time, I've fallen out of love with my husband. He has left us nine times, cheated and gave me an STD. I lied and talked to his ex-girlfriend, with whom he has three children, whenever we would have big arguments. We have been having trouble with her for the duration of our marriage, and I just recently found out that he's been e-mailing her back and forth "for the children" since 2006. We got into a very heated conflict in front of our son to the point that the police were called. We are going to a counselor (our pastor) but have seen her only once due to schedule conflicts. Since then I have noticed some of his old habits again. I don't expect him to be perfect, but how many times must we keep going through this? Should I get tested again? Please help me to understand what I should do.
Sheryl T., Ohio
It is very typical for two people to fall into a pattern in their relationship, and it is necessary to do the work to break the pattern. When two people enter into a relationship, the first 18 months is spent in the infatuation stage, in which both people feel that they are madly in love. After this stage subsides, they enter into the power struggle stage, and this is the stage in which you will see the survival dance. Each person will push to have their values and beliefs be the prevalent and dominant choice for the relationship, and they will use the communication tactics that they learned from their parents to establish this. You two are stuck in a cycle, and it is going to take more than one visit to your pastor to break it. First things first, you need to get tested for an STD and make sure to protect yourself during sex since at the moment you cannot trust your husband. If you are truly serious about breaking the pattern and healing your relationship, then it is time to see a couples coach or therapist, set a goal for your relationship and commit to the work. You two also need to protect your son, because right now he is caught in the middle of your turmoil, and he will be adversely affected by all of this. Make sure to provide him with a therapist so that he has someone to talk to in order to deal with the changes in the household. Both you and your husband have to make the choice to get help if you want to save this marriage.
Rebecca Brody is currently a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF-certified, and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody, contact Brody@theluvcoach.com, or go to www.theluvcoach.com
Comments: (35)
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By: inez on 4/23/2009 4:24PM
To the women in both scenarios ; you must have some self hatred about yourself to allow yourselves to be in these detrimental toxic relationships. What more do these men have to do to you in order for you to wake the hell up and walk away. These men have raised all the red flags to sing a battle ship but you keep on coming back for more!!!!!!!!! Lets see
1) They have cheated and lied
2) Been unfaithful both before and after the marriages
3) They have given you STD's
Need I say more!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is a wonderful and necessary thing but when it is compounded with stupidity; then what is the point. Not only have you allowed yourself to be used and hurt ; you have also dragged your children in this mess; who have had to watch this. Take your cares to the Lord and ask him to give you the strength to break this addictive toxic chain that you have help to create. IT does not matter what a counselor or pastor has to say ; ulimately it is you and your children who have to live this craziness and even if you are so self absorbed and toxic do not pass that behavior to your children. Break the bonds of the relationship; start over again and trust the God of heaven that he will direct your path and find you that peace and happiness that both you and your children justly deserve
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By: Nikki on 4/23/2009 7:14PM
Inez, I agree with where you come from, but in order to enlighten and get across an idea it has to come from a place of love. Most women (men too), if not everyone, has been "in love" to where the other person is more of a liability than anything else. The object is to move on and learn from that past relationship. It's easy to criticize and display your point of view, but until a person has walked in that person's shoes and encountered everything that that person has encountered you really can't begin to understand why a person does what the do.
Just like when my best friend's mom passed away, I told her I would have killed myself and I don't understand why she still decided to go through with the party she planned and how she could be so happy despite her mom's funeral was in two days (10 months later, my mom passed). My reactions wasn't what I anticipated, they still aren't. It helped me actually! I got out of my TERRIBLE relationship with my "baby's daddy" and now I have found love, true love...raw and real. ~Peace~ It's a wonderful thing. I want everyone to experience what I have (and we've been together for 3 years now)!
Leaving is hard! Relationships are habits, you become emotionally addicted to a person. So even though you know they're more bad for you than good you think you can't live without this person. You can! Once you get over that initial feeling and actually do it, you'll begin to let go, then you'll move on, then it'll come to you...what in the hell was i thinking. But it all has to come from you.
I hope this helps, I love you sister!
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By: Succour on 4/25/2009 7:06AM
Hello! Ladies everything is going to be alright, cause its not your fault that your man had cheated on you.My exwife had been cheating on me for years and I've raised three of her kids and there daddys were no where around from the ages 2yr,6yr and 7yr and they're now 9yr,14,and 15yr old.I talked to God just like we're talking now and I've askth to take away all the pain and to give me peace from within and he did.I was married for 5 yrs plus dated for 3yrs but everybody are going to go through bad relationship problems but its all how you handle it.Now! please!!! dont make a fool out of yourselves by running behind him because we men like that,so let the truth be told but anyway pray and get in church and pick yourselves up and make me proud of you because you're strong woman who can over come anything that comes your and in time you will and I can say that because I did it with all the help of the Holy Spirit.We go through these pain in life to relate with other people to help them and at the sametime its helping us to heal,so we want become so angery at the next man and yes!you and I will love again in this life time.Let us all let God bring the true love to us not us to love/them base on looks and good conversation ;if you know what I mean.I am going to pray for everybody that God the same God that helped me will likewise unto you in Jesus name A'men.Servant is my name...
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By: Lisa Joy on 4/25/2009 9:03AM
First of all....I notice everyone is saying that they are being cheated on.....you are right....but you are many cheating on yourself...
Why do I say that? You are not treating yourself with the respect that God treats you with. God is a gentleman and he gives us grace and forgiveness. You are not forgiving yourself for your personal wrongs and you are allowing these negative men in your lives to treat you in a punishing way. It is so bad that we women refuse to read God's Word and realize how wonderful we are to the Lord. Do you know that a true Christian Man is supposed to honor his wife? Apostle Paul stated that Men are to Love their Wives as Christ Loved THE CHURCH! HOW IS IT WE BELIVE THAT WE ARE SPECIAL TO CHRIST BECAUSE HE DIED FOR US AND YET THE MEN WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CHRISTIAN AND THE WOMEN WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CHRISTIAN CHANGE THOSE VIEWS WHEN THEY GET MARRIED AND BECOME VERY SELFISH? CHRIST DIED FOR OUR SALVATION AND THEN ALSO WE ARE SUPPOSED TO WALK IN HIS LOVE AND MERCY TOWARD ONE ANOTHER.....HOW DO YOU LOOK TO CHRIST AND NOT TREAT EACH OTHER WITH RESPECT AND CONSTANT LOVE? IS CHRIST LOVE MAKEBELIEVE....OR ONLY FOR CHURCH ON SUNDAY? AND WHAT ABOUT WOMEN WHO CHEAT WITH OTHER WOMEN'S HUSBAND'S? IS THAT PROPER? WHERE IS YOUR WALK IN CHRIST? HOW DO YOU THINK THAT PERSUING ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND WOULD BE PROPER IN THE EYES OF THE LORD? OR JUST PERSUING THE MAN AT ALL? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE FOCUSING ON YOUR SALVATION IN JESUS CHRIST AND BUILDING YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP IN GOD...NOT FOCUSSUING ON SEX, AND IMMORALITY? I WONDER WHERE SO-CALLED CHRISTIANS STAND....IF YOU DO NOT PROFESS TO SERVE A RISEN SAVIOR THEN ----WHO DO YOU SERVE????????????
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By: jessica on 4/25/2009 11:48AM
but why is it that a black face has to be attached to everything bad? couldnt someone have put a whiteface up there? this pisses me off!
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By: Milayah on 4/30/2009 8:41PM
Jessica sorry to say, IT'S BLACK VOICES my dear.
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By: SONNIE GRANT on 4/25/2009 12:11PM
WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE BLACK MAN WHO IS WRONG IN EVERYTHING. WOMEN DON'T SPREAD STDS, WOMEN ARE NEVER ON THE DOWN LO, AND NO, WOMEN DON'T MESS AROUND. MEN CAN BE CALLED DOGS BUT DON'T CALL A WOMEN A B--CH. A FEMAIL DOG. NEWS FLASH. MY TWIN SISTER DIED OF AIDS, GIVEN TO HER BY ANOTHER GAY FEMALE,I JUST DUMPED A WOMEN WHO I PLANNED TO MARY , WHO BURNED ME NOT ONCE BUT TWICE, AND YES SHE HAD HAD SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN WHILE IN COLLAGE.
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By: Kay on 4/25/2009 9:21PM
Ok, please explain to me how one woman can give another woman AIDS....????
Truly, I am not understanding how a woman having sex with a woman can give them aids...I mean I am not gay so is there some way this can happen?
Clueless?????
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By: SONNIE GRANT on 4/25/2009 12:10PM
I DON'T BLAME EVERY WOMEN FOR WHAT HAPPEND TO ME SO WHY BLAME EVERY BLACK MAN. IF WOMEN WERE TO LEARN TO KEEP THEIR LEGES CLOSED THEN WE DOGS COULD NOT MAKE THEM LOOK LIKE FOOLS. tHAT IS YOUR BODY, LEARN TO CONTROL IT. YOU AND I HAVE MADE BAD CHOSES. WE MARRY AND AS SOON AS WE HAVE CHILDREN,YOU FORGET US. SAD SONNIE
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By: Theresa on 4/25/2009 12:18PM
ladies in the first two scenarios I feel your pain and I know what you are going through,however, you are not going to leave these men alone until you are fed up.when I mean fed up, is when you get to the point that you are tried of trying to make it work with your husbands. you have realize you can't change a grown man, I don't care how much you show him you love and is there for him he is not going to change unless he wants to. so ladies god had already revealed to you that your husbands are no good, now its up to you to act on it. please act on it asap before they give you guys something medicine can't cure and by then you will hate yourself for not heeding the warning signs before it got to that point. listen ladies God loves you first before any man and he wants you to take care of yourself and your children so do so.And in time god will send you someone that will love you and your children and this man will not put you through the stress you are going through right now.Nevertheless, if you not ready or emotionally attached to your husbands, protect yourselves until you are willing and able to leave the relationships, because you have your children to live for, and I know you want to live long enough to see your grandchilds."Smile"
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