Luv Coach Q&A: Interracial Love & Children-Is it Right?

I am black and I have been dating a white man for several years now, and I feel that we have an incredible relationship. We are honest, loving, and faithful, and we work hard to make sure that both of us are happy. In the past I have dealt with racism from both white and black people, and I worry that if we have kids they will deal with more racial attacks than us. Is it right to bring your children into a situation in which they will deal with such harsh racism? Tanya B. Greenfield, CA, 35

Racism is prevalent through out the world, and if you are mixed you may experience it from either race. Your concern that your children will be faced with more racism than other children should not limit you from having children. No matter what your race, your children are going to face the trials and tribulations of life, and be exposed to prejudice and racism because it is the human nature of the ego to judge others. The key is to teach them who they are as human beings, and that all people are equal because we are all connected to the human condition. We all love, hate, cry, and feel pain. We all live and as Susanna Moodie described, "death, the great equalizer," we all die. Teach your children to judge people by their character not by their color, and instill all the great qualities and lessons you have learned from your own experiences. Choose to live your life ruled by love, and don't allow fear to limit the great family you want to bring into this world.

2008 Deaths

Odetta Holmes
"The Voice of the Civil Rights Movement" was a singer, actress, guitarist, songwriter and activist.
December 31 1930 - December 2 2008.

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Bernie Mac
Comedian, Actor
Oct. 5, 1957 - Aug. 9, 2008.

Isaac Hayes
Singer, songwriter, record producer, composer and actor.
August 20, 1942 - August 10, 2008

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Miriam Makeba, "Mama Africa"
South African folk singer and anti-apartheid activist.
March 4, 1932 - November 10, 2008.

Reuters

Jennifer Hudson's 57-year-old mother, Darnell Donerson, brother, Jason, and 7-year-old nephew, Julian King, were killed in 2008.

Shakir Stewart
The Island Def Jam executive who became head of the legendary rap label following Jay-Z's departure, killed himself on Nov. 1. He was 34 years old.

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George Carlin
Stand-up comedian, actor and author.
May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008

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Madelyn Dunham
Barack Obama's grandmother
October 26, 1922 - Nov 3, 2008.

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Levi Stubbs
Oct. 17: The iconic lead singer, second from left, who gave voice to Four Tops classics like "Reach Out I'll Be There" and "Baby I Need Your Loving" died at 72 from complications of cancer and a stroke. Abdul Fakir, far left, is now the sole living member of the original quartet.

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Dee Dee Warwick
Oct. 18: The soul songstress died after months of declining health. Warwick, the sister of soul legend Dionne, also achieved a great deal of success, both as a solo artist as well as with her sister.

Corbis

It's one thing to date outside of your race, but I believe black women need to date and marry their own, meaning A BLACK MAN. I don't want to tell others what to do, but as a black man living in the "good ole" USA that I love, I believe that people need to date and marry each other for the sake of our children, enhancing black America socially, economically and politically. If someone has kids by their current boyfriend or future husband [of another race], they will technically be biracial, but America will see them as BLACK. A white man CANNOT teach his child, in particularly his male child, how to be a BLACK MAN. He can show him how to be a man, which is excellent, but being a black man he can't do, because he is not black and he doesn't know what it means to be black....

It is important for our children to see black men and women as fathers and mothers, just as you have in any other race that God placed on this Earth. I say that because you don't see much of the black family as a structured family like whites. While I am sure a white man can identify with many black people, that's not the same as being black in such a race-conscious society as America -- one that won't let African Americans forget that we are black. I don't want to complain about interracial dating or just complain to complain, but what I just said is real. I personally don't have any children and I am married to a black woman. If and when we do have children, I want them to know what life is about -- meaning getting the best education, being a productive American citizen and so on -- all the while understanding that they should go out and find a black man or black woman first to date and then marry. They should build a black family that can help rebuild THE BLACK COMMUNITY. Am I making the right choice for my children?

Willie A. Magnolia, Texas, 40

Your concerns for your children are the same concerns any parent would have for the safety and well-being of their child. You want to make sure that your child has the tools and lessons that will enable him or her to maneuver through the world successfully and safely. Your belief that only a black man or black woman is capable of raising a healthy, well-adjusted black child stems from a limiting belief that is rooted in history and personal experience.

There are numerous examples of black men and women who have been raised by parents of other races. They have grown up to be incredibly amazing, successful, and internally healthy and balanced adults; our current president, Barack Obama being one example. The ideology that if you are black you should only date other black people is the same extremist belief that is shunned when applied to other races. If you were to insert the word white in place of the word black in your second to last sentence it would read, "I personally don't have any children and I am married to a white woman. If and when we do have children, I want them to know what life is about -- meaning getting the best education, being a productive American citizen and so on -- all the while understanding that they should go out and find a white man or white woman first to date and marry. They should build a white family that can help rebuild THE WHITE COMMUNITY."

This is the same belief that you hold, and as you can see it sounds extreme and racist when applied to another race. It sounds like you want to be a great parent and you want to protect your children at all costs. As parents, you pass your beliefs on to your children in the hopes that what you learned in life will help them live better lives; but sometimes our limiting beliefs will limit our children. As adults you have to question whether or not what you are teaching them is right for their lives. Part of helping your children grow into healthy adults is allowing them to make their own decisions and giving them the knowledge to make the right choices for themselves.

Life Coach Rebecca Brody Rebecca Brody is a life empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with coach Brody, contact Brody@theluvcoach.com or go to www.theluvcoach.com