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I have been married for nine years, and we have been together for 13. We decided that I should raise the children while he provides a living for our family. I have been loyal to our agreement. I have dealt with his cheating, gambling and debt for the past seven years, and all I have now is depression to show for it. I have dug a hole for myself, and I have no clue about how to get out of. Any suggestions?
Kimberly W., St. Louis, Age 28
You may feel like life is suffocating and you may feel trapped, but neither one of those is true. You have given up the position of financial provider for your family, and in the process, it seems that you have forgotten that you are the provider of everything else. You are the provider of love, the organizer of daily life, the constant decision maker and the one who has remained faithful. You are wholly empowered, and you need to remember that there is nothing you cannot do. Your husband is the cancer in your family, and unless you cut him out, he will continue to drag you and your children down. It is time to end this negative relationship and stand on your own two feet. You deserve a life of happiness and stability and the only person who can give you that is you. Find yourself a good divorce lawyer, and begin proceedings. Make sure to file for child support and alimony, since you had an agreement with him at the onset of your marriage. Reach out to friends and family, so that you have a tight-knit support group to help you through these trying times. Also, begin to consider what you want to do in order to garner income in the future. Even though it may seem scary to go it alone, the alternative of remaining in an unhealthy marriage is much worse for both you and your children. Now is the time to be brave and show yourself that you are a person of value who deserves love, respect and happiness.
The College Survival Guide
A Fridge
Regardless of whether you have a wonderful sized meal plan, your fridge may come in handy with leftovers or when you feel like stocking it with bottled drinks.
Computer
The convenience of a computer is essential when sending your kids off to college. Forget the hike to the computer lab across campus students need a computer in the comfort of their room. A printer comes in handy as well. Depending on whether your child plans to carry his laptop around campus, you might opt for a desk top since they're lighter on the pockets.
Snacks
You will surely survive with off of a meal plan but it doesn't hurt to stock up on snacks when you don't feel like leaving your dorm room. Bottled water, pop corn, cereal and Ramen noodles are all low budget snacks to stock up on. Just be weary of the freshman 15.
Things from home
Some college students suffer from homesickness the first year. It's best to surround yourself with things like photos of the family, pillows or even stuffed animals. Anything that reminds your child of home.
MP3 Player
With all the stress that comes from school and exams, sometimes it's nice to block out the chaos in your life and even your roommate with music. It's nearly impossible to find students walking to class who aren't jamming to tunes.
Budget
Students who enter college often come in at the ripening age of 18. A great time for credit cards. Parents beware, your child may end up ruining their credit at a young age
Alarm Clock
When you're in college you don't have the luxury of getting awaken by your parents. It's now your responsibility to get to class on time so alarm clocks are a must. But keep your roommate in mind. You shouldn't wake him up ever morning with a blow horn alarm.
Cleaning supplies
Now you don't necessarily need to bring in the rubber gloves, mop and gas mask but it doesn't hurt to bring along Clorox all purpose wipes for spills or dust. Vacuums and brooms come in handy too depending if you have a carpeted dorm.
Bedding
What most parents aren't aware of is that most college beds are twin sized but extra long and require special sheets. When shopping keep your eye open for sheets that clearly state 'extra long' or else your child may come up short.
Shower shoes
You really don't know what some people do in the shower these days. College showers are known to be creeping with germs so spare yourself the fungus and purchase flip flops for the shower. You'll thank us later!
How do you make love to your spouse when he is a hip disarticulation amputee (no right hip, no right leg)? His residual stump and his right cheek look like something off of the sci-fi channel. We have been married for 21 years. I love him, but I have no sexual attraction toward him. I have been without sex since 2005. I do not desire another, so Luv Coach what do I do?
Anonymous
It sounds like you are in a very frustrating and difficult situation. You obviously love your husband and are staying true to your vows. I want to commend you for doing that. In order to reignite your sex life, it is healthy to fantasize in order to reach a level of sexual desire that will enable you to be intimate with your husband. There are many ways for a couple to pleasure each other, and it is about exploring all the sexual sensations and positions that bring about desire. Begin with a sensual massage, and as he massages you, close your eyes and imagine him as he was when you first felt desire for him. Fantasize about the type of sex you have had in the past, and focus on imagining all the parts of him that turn you on. You want to bolster his self-esteem as well, so let him know that he is sexy and beautiful and that you desire him. This is about reconnecting on an intimate sexual level, so allow yourself the freedom to explore new ways of pleasuring him and asking him to pleasure you.
Rebecca Brody is a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody, contact Brody@theluvcoach.com or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
Comments: (45)
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By: misunderstood on 4/04/2009 10:25AM
It apppears we have a lot of mis-guided women in the world. Thats why our men continue to do what ever they want, because either we excuse them, exalt them or enable them to do what men do, simply because they are men. for those on the spiritual side, true, marriage is sacred! but the scripture also give you and out, and I believe she meets the criteria. So many time as women we continue to make excuses for our men. I can only imazagine how many times she has tried to talk with no avail to her man,how many nights she wipe the tears, just before falling to sleep, sleepless nights, wondering where he's at or who he's with. Robbing peter and paul to pay John, trying to cover his tracks of mis managing their money. Making excuses as to why you dont go to family functions because you are afriad, maybe a family member will see through you and see the hurt in your eyes or the mere embarrassment that you failed at your marriage. Dont you guys know the life coach did not suggest anything Kimberly has not already comtemplated, but like most of us we make excuses as to why we should hold on. counseling sometimes help, but most people end up lying to the counselor because they are lying to themselves that they do not have a problem. As women we lose ourselves, thinking we are the savior of others, in the end (for all of you on the spiritual side) the scripture tells us to work out YOUR own soul salvation. You can lose your own soul by trying to save something that you have no power to save. Only HE can accept, acknowdlege and assume responsibility of his actions. Maybe he'll wise up before she makes the final step but its on HIM not HER. If him being a cancer,(as describe by the life coach)was litterally eating away at your desires, your dreams, your hopes for the future the same way Breast cancer eats away at millions of our sisters yearly, would you encourage a cancer patient to just lie down and accept what ever, or would you encourage her to fight for what precious life she has left, seek whatever means to rise above her current condition, to take control of her life and life decisions, to focus on the positive, because a life of negative always destroys the very nature of who we are. So to Kimberly, we can all give you advse and our opinions, but until you GET TIRED, is when you will Know your answer to your situation. To all others, if we learn noting about the current situation our soceity is in, stop, look, and learn. It nots because of what others have done to us, its what we have allowed others to do to us. Not until we all accept, acknowledge and asume responsibility for our role in situations will we find our own outs. Be Blessed, Be Encourage and Be Proactive in your own life.
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By: yournotalone on 4/04/2009 12:49PM
I can really relate to her situation right now. I'm going through something simular to her. My husband and I both work full time jobs . He and I have been married almost 4 yrs. We've been together for 7, and have 2 kids together and 2 I had 2 before. Anyway He has cheated more than once on me and I have never cheated on him, although i wanted to, I never did. Last year we reconciled and I let him come back home, and everything was okay for a while. As time went on I started noticing him guarding his cell phone again and come to find out he had started taking calls from a woman he stayed with while we were seperated. I just could't take it anymore and I asked him to leave. He claims that since we had been back together that he never slept around again, but you don't have to sleep around to cheat now I'm back where I started from last year having one set of children gone for the weekend. So my advice is to pray and wait on God , He is the ony one with the right answer. I know you feel that you have giving you all, and you deserve some happiness I do too. But I don't want to tear my family apart, but I don't want my children to grow up and think this is what marriage is all about. So get keep your hands in the Lord's hands and pray , pray , pray. That's all I have left to do. I know He will answer.
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By: Terry on 4/07/2009 11:14AM
The question is what's the better options for you. Most times when people get married they lose themselves. I understand the notion of being one when married, but when you begin to lose yourself problems will emerge. My suggestion is to look within yourself figure out what your needs are and what will help you to remain healthy mentally, spiritually, and physically.
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By: Jesse wilson on 4/11/2009 5:59AM
How are you doing Kimberly ,I read what you said as well as the expression in your eys. I say this from my point of view,but if you are trying to dsave this marriage you will have to pray and IUm serious. Then again Its your option is to let go. Sometimes you can hold on to somethiung but afterwhile if that ice gets cold you have to let it go. Life is too short to burn it out for nothing. Jesse
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By: louiebates39 on 5/22/2009 3:23AM
Let this go its a burden for you, you're too young to be straped by this much drama. Move on and keep your options open. Your heart can and will recover, just bdon't let bitterness control you or distort your view. It's easy for folks to hide behing bilbical references when it's not their life involved. The human side of you needs nutured now the spiritual side will sup when you're above and beyond this situation
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