I have been married for nine years, and we have been together for 13. We decided that I should raise the children while he provides a living for our family. I have been loyal to our agreement. I have dealt with his cheating, gambling and debt for the past seven years, and all I have now is depression to show for it. I have dug a hole for myself, and I have no clue about how to get out of. Any suggestions?
Kimberly W., St. Louis, Age 28
You may feel like life is suffocating and you may feel trapped, but neither one of those is true. You have given up the position of financial provider for your family, and in the process, it seems that you have forgotten that you are the provider of everything else. You are the provider of love, the organizer of daily life, the constant decision maker and the one who has remained faithful. You are wholly empowered, and you need to remember that there is nothing you cannot do. Your husband is the cancer in your family, and unless you cut him out, he will continue to drag you and your children down. It is time to end this negative relationship and stand on your own two feet. You deserve a life of happiness and stability and the only person who can give you that is you. Find yourself a good divorce lawyer, and begin proceedings. Make sure to file for child support and alimony, since you had an agreement with him at the onset of your marriage. Reach out to friends and family, so that you have a tight-knit support group to help you through these trying times. Also, begin to consider what you want to do in order to garner income in the future. Even though it may seem scary to go it alone, the alternative of remaining in an unhealthy marriage is much worse for both you and your children. Now is the time to be brave and show yourself that you are a person of value who deserves love, respect and happiness.
The College Survival Guide
A Fridge
Regardless of whether you have a wonderful sized meal plan, your fridge may come in handy with leftovers or when you feel like stocking it with bottled drinks.
Computer
The convenience of a computer is essential when sending your kids off to college. Forget the hike to the computer lab across campus students need a computer in the comfort of their room. A printer comes in handy as well. Depending on whether your child plans to carry his laptop around campus, you might opt for a desk top since they're lighter on the pockets.
Snacks
You will surely survive with off of a meal plan but it doesn't hurt to stock up on snacks when you don't feel like leaving your dorm room. Bottled water, pop corn, cereal and Ramen noodles are all low budget snacks to stock up on. Just be weary of the freshman 15.
Things from home
Some college students suffer from homesickness the first year. It's best to surround yourself with things like photos of the family, pillows or even stuffed animals. Anything that reminds your child of home.
MP3 Player
With all the stress that comes from school and exams, sometimes it's nice to block out the chaos in your life and even your roommate with music. It's nearly impossible to find students walking to class who aren't jamming to tunes.
Budget
Students who enter college often come in at the ripening age of 18. A great time for credit cards. Parents beware, your child may end up ruining their credit at a young age
Alarm Clock
When you're in college you don't have the luxury of getting awaken by your parents. It's now your responsibility to get to class on time so alarm clocks are a must. But keep your roommate in mind. You shouldn't wake him up ever morning with a blow horn alarm.
Cleaning supplies
Now you don't necessarily need to bring in the rubber gloves, mop and gas mask but it doesn't hurt to bring along Clorox all purpose wipes for spills or dust. Vacuums and brooms come in handy too depending if you have a carpeted dorm.
Bedding
What most parents aren't aware of is that most college beds are twin sized but extra long and require special sheets. When shopping keep your eye open for sheets that clearly state 'extra long' or else your child may come up short.
Shower shoes
You really don't know what some people do in the shower these days. College showers are known to be creeping with germs so spare yourself the fungus and purchase flip flops for the shower. You'll thank us later!
How do you make love to your spouse when he is a hip disarticulation amputee (no right hip, no right leg)? His residual stump and his right cheek look like something off of the sci-fi channel. We have been married for 21 years. I love him, but I have no sexual attraction toward him. I have been without sex since 2005. I do not desire another, so Luv Coach what do I do?
Anonymous
It sounds like you are in a very frustrating and difficult situation. You obviously love your husband and are staying true to your vows. I want to commend you for doing that. In order to reignite your sex life, it is healthy to fantasize in order to reach a level of sexual desire that will enable you to be intimate with your husband. There are many ways for a couple to pleasure each other, and it is about exploring all the sexual sensations and positions that bring about desire. Begin with a sensual massage, and as he massages you, close your eyes and imagine him as he was when you first felt desire for him. Fantasize about the type of sex you have had in the past, and focus on imagining all the parts of him that turn you on. You want to bolster his self-esteem as well, so let him know that he is sexy and beautiful and that you desire him. This is about reconnecting on an intimate sexual level, so allow yourself the freedom to explore new ways of pleasuring him and asking him to pleasure you.
Rebecca Brody is a Life Empowerment coach in New York City. Her area of expertise is in relationship coaching. She is a graduate of Vassar and Ipec and has trained with the Relationship Coaching Institute. She is ICF certified and has been studying social interaction, relationships and coupling for over a decade. To work with Coach Brody, contact Brody@theluvcoach.com or go to www.theluvcoach.com.
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By: Mrs. Collins on 4/02/2009 4:25PM
Dear Kimberly,
sounds like you are in a rough spot right now. Marriage is sacred, but adultery is a reason to consider divorce. It is evident that he wants you to stay at home to control you and so he won't have to worry about what you are doing or running into you on the street while he does his thing. Please seek God in your time of need. He will tell you what to do.
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By: mark in Frisco on 4/03/2009 10:15AM
better yet seek a counselor!
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By: Pastor Williams on 4/03/2009 4:10PM
Control? Control? How is control equated to be a mother, the one who controls the household. Help me understand. Being able to stay at home for the children is a gift. A real gift. How many women and men would love to be a stay at home mom?
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By: Miss Chriss on 4/04/2009 3:50AM
I am going through something very similar. My husband or soon to be exhusband and I had a similar agreement. I stayed home and eventually started doing childcare. He was loyal to the agreement. But he was also loyal to the internet. He bacame very addicted to his blackberry and recently found a new woman.
I had to literally find him a new apartment because I could no longer bare the pain. After only 3 months, he is moving across country to start a new life with her.
My reason for explaining all of this is to let you know that you can do it! It hurts like hell but slowly I am getting used to the idea of him not being around, as well as looking forward to a new me! I still cry, and I still wish I had my husband back, but I realize that things will probably never be the same as when we first got married. I know Christ! I know that you and I will both be fine. You just have to let Him step in and guide you through the healing process.
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By: mark in Frisco on 4/02/2009 5:35PM
...Really dissappointed in the life coach's suggestion. You are only 28 and if my math is right you were with him at 15????
The two of you started off on a road to failure! I would think counseling would be an option before 'find a lawyer!!' Divorce is not a picnic for the adults or the children - even though it's 'in style' now!!
BTW - someone said infidelity is reason to separate...where is that written - not in the bible! ...it does say something about until death do us part!
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By: kemo on 4/03/2009 7:07AM
I disagree with you! I believe in the bible to and from what I understand is that you can get a divorce if someone cheats. He cheated and that is reason for divorce. This woman is very young and should get her life back while she has some left. He will drain her if she do not get out now! I've been married for ten years and I know what marriage is about but you have to walk a mile in someone's shoes before you can bring judgement about divorce
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By: Miss Chriss on 4/04/2009 3:49AM
Yes it does say in the Bible that divorce is an option. It acknowleges in II Chronicles, that infidelity is the only acceptable reason. Another thing it mentions is that not all marriages are unions by God. A union bound by God is with two people who know the Lord and are willing to follow his plan to keep their marriages together.
Oh...by the way, the basic vows that we use are not found in the bible. The true vows can be found in Proverbs (I believe).
I am currently recieveing counseling from 3 different sources as well as on my own. Each professional including a minister have told me all the same thing.
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By: Robert on 4/04/2009 12:04AM
It's not found in the bible, but it is found in the "AIDS" ward at alot of hospital around the country.
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By: All Winners LOVE Winners on 4/02/2009 10:01PM
Better You all Than US
The DYNAMIC DUO
A and E
PS - If you are all of that - Why can't you get SomeONE Else?
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By: AB on 4/03/2009 7:37AM
Incredible!!! How can a life coach suggest divorce. Marriage IS sacred!! And the Bible does provide us a way out of an adulterous marriage. But just because the Bible provides for it, doesn't mean one should act on it. Especially if she still loves her husband, regardless of his cheating ways. She should discuss her concerns with her husband and warn him that he must do better by her and their children if he wants the relationship to continue. She's young (I assume he is as well) so there's no reason she can't build up her life financially and independently of her husband while giving him the opportunity to change his ways. Since she has been a stay at home mom, she should think things through, thoroughly, but simultaneously start building her future by going back to school and getting her education. After she's completed her education, if she feels the marriage continues to be unsatisfying and unsustainable, then she should seek relief by divorce. But the cliche' goes, "the grass always looks greener on the other side."
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